“Hey WoodRocket, I've got a GREAT idea for a porn parody! You should do a take on Ready Player One about a hot chick who needs to orgasm with three random sex toys that are hidden around a virtual world! You can call it Ready Player Cum!”*

 

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but WoodRocket averages about 2,648 porn parody pitches a day, whether via email, social media, or suggestions out in the real world (I mean really, at my nephew's Bar-Mitzvah? Please stop, Uncle Mendel. No one needs an all-girl solo film called Diddler On The Roof). While the WR team appreciates the fact that our fans love what we do and want to be a part of our weird-little-twisted universe, the truth of the matter is there's a good chance that no matter what you're trying to sell us, we're not looking to buy.

 

With that being said, while we love each and every one of you who come to WoodRocket to be entertained, please, for the love of all that is perverted, STOP pitching us ideas. There are many, many reasons why we absolutely refuse pitches and will never, ever, read unsolicited scripts, so if you've been thinking about hitting us up about that iCarly idea that's been burning a hole in your adolescent pocket, here's why you should stop and leave it up to the professionals:

 

We don't want anyone grumbling that we've stolen their idea...

It's not that we don't think most of you are capable of spawning something that would fit right in with our depraved way of thinking, it's that we like to think of these things on our own. Naturally, there will be some overlap between how us and our fans think, and therefore many of the same ideas will exist. We take pride in being the good guys in an industry riddled with shady people and would never, ever, want anyone to think that we've stolen an idea just because we happen to have thought of the same thing.

 

This is why, and I stress this, we DO NOT read pitches sent to us (though we've been sent numerous). It's like working in a hamburger joint and someone coming in to pitch an idea for a great hamburger. Now imagine working in a sex hamburger joint and someone barging in with a great idea for a sex hamburger. Well... you get the point. I think it would just mean more bacon? Anyway, save your pitches for when you're out at the bar with friends. It's a great conversational piece and an even better way to pick up the ladies (note: it probably will not help you with the ladies, but good luck).

 

If you've thought it, we probably have as well and either have planned on doing it or aren't for a reason...

We all have our favorite movies, TV shows, and TMZ-worthy celebrity showdowns, but that doesn't necessarily mean all of them are good parody material. I've always been a fan of the TV show Night Court. Sure the names basically write themselves (Judge Harry T. Bone? Ball Shannon? Come on...), but would anyone give a shit about it outside of the very few Night Court fans that are still around? In the great words of Dan Fielding... “no.” So how do we choose what we want to do? As previously mentioned, it takes more than just a clever idea. It has to be timeless, relevant, attention-grabbing, AND clever. Seriously, we've thought of every movie, TV show, video game, play, musical, cartoon, comic and catastrophe ever made! Taking on a controversial subject just because it's controversial is lazy and boring. It also rarely makes for good porn.

 

We may not be big fans of the source material for some of the parodies we've done, but we acknowledge and appreciate their fandoms, which are just as important to us as our own. Nothing makes us feel fuzzier inside than creating something that die-hard fans applaud. We get off (no pun intended... okay pun intended) on ruining childhoods. Every time we read comments on YouTube or Twitter about how we've accomplished that goal for someone, we know we've done something good.

 

Coming up with a concept is the easy part. Making something painfully unsexy into something sexy... now that's an art form...

Spongeknob, Strokemon, Rob Ford... none of those scream masturbation material, which is what makes them the perfect prey for our voraciously perverted appetite. It doesn't take much to sex-ify Lara Croft. It takes a lot to make a dinosaur even remotely sexy (although it does make it easier with good-lookin' people). We love sitting around our WoodRocket Round Table brainstorming the least sexy ideas we can manage. Those are the kinds of brainchildren that work best for us. We love a challenge! Horrifying and disturbing ideas (legally... stop being so fucked up) work just as well, if not better, than sexy ones and embody the last, and probably most important, reason as to why we hate being pitched...

 

Our greatest pleasure is giving birth to these parodies...

This may come as a shock but our jobs aren't filled with 24/7 insanity like living in Pee-Wee's Playhouse (although none of us would mind). Most of the time, just like many of you (except probably Bill Murray), our jobs are normal, so when it comes time to pow-wow and pitch parody ideas we all bring our A game, spending hours laughing at the absurdity of it all. Once the tears are wiped away and an idea has been born, we beam like proud parents. Please don't take our babies away from us.

 

As you can see, creating one of our Award-winning parodies is much more than throwing out names and making people fuck. There's an incredible amount of thought, time, and energy that goes into them, and that's just in the fetal stage. Everything that comes after is an entirely different story so feel free to send food.

 

Here's the thing – we really, truly enjoy the process, so whenever someone throws out a suggestion, it makes us feel both unappreciated and out of touch with what people want. The best way you can show us that we're loved is by loving our childhood-ruining works of art as much as we do. If you think your Perfect Strangers parody idea would be right up our alley, just remember the words of the great Balki Bartokomous - “Don't Be Ridiculous.”


 

*We weren't actually pitched this but we're sure someone thought about pitching it or something very similar.

 

** Even though this article is meant to be funny, in all seriousness, via our legal team's advisement, we seriously never read any emails or Tweets or DM's pitching us. As soon as we see it is a pitch we trash, block or mute. We ain't playin' around.