Well, another spooooky Halloween is right around the corner and that means it's time for so many of you ladies to patch together yet another generic “slutty” Halloween costume that's been done thousands of times over. While it's nice when people try to do something creative or original (I went out as “Lumbergh-jack” last year – a combination of Bill Lumbergh from Office Space and a lumberjack. Brilliant!), sometimes the end game is less about winning a costume contest and more about sloppy, drunken bar bathroom sex. Hey, who am I to judge? More often than not you'll see the same lame “sexy” costumes at just about any bar you go to, so why not rate those costumes in terms of their effectiveness? I present to you...
Rating Slutty Halloween Costumes
Perhaps the most overdone of them all are those sexy devils and angels you'll inevitably run into. You know the ones – the devil is wearing all red with a tail, cheap plastic horns and knee high latex boots all while brandishing a sad-looking pitchfork. The angel, of course, is dressed all in white with a cheesy looking shiny halo and wings that look like they belong to a moth. The two, naturally, represent the good girl/bad girl personality traits or, in other words, one is supposed to be innocent and the other naughty (I'll let you figure out which is which). If we're being real here both represent a complete lack of creativity. If someone is wearing either of these two costumes, there is little doubt the end game is to not be wearing it by the end of the night. I give these a 2 on 10 in terms of creativity.
Clever Alternative: Sexy Mary, Mother of Jesus. She “claims” to be a virgin, but come on.
Pretty much every slutty schoolgirl costume is meant to appeal to older men or... dare I say it... pedophiles. Think about it. There isn't a single sexy schoolgirl costume that doesn't include an incredibly short skirt and thigh high white socks. Seriously, Google it, I'll wait. The hair, usually done in pigtails clearly alludes to children, which makes the whole thing even creepier. It's weird because when I was in school, NONE of the girls I knew wore outfits like these. I wore one once for school pictures but they told me I needed to change into something more conservative which shows you that THESE SEXY SCHOOLGIRL OUTFITS ARE A LIE!!! I give these a 1 on 10 for creativity but I will give a 9 for clear intention in terms of end game efficiency.
Clever Alternative: Sexy Breakfast Club member... but only if you're eating a Cap'n Crunch cereal sandwich like Ally Sheedy
So the Sexy Witch is really just the sluttier sister of the Sexy French Maid. Think about it, they both wear all black and carry brooms (duster, broom... same purpose). You don't see the sexy witch as much you used to so it feels like more of a retro throwback than just a lazy last-minute costume. I blame Harry Potter and his crew for ruining the broom ensemble. Occasionally there will be a black cat somewhere either as another accessory (purse maybe) or just sewn onto the costume itself. Also, it takes a lot of sass to wear a witches hat and not look like Gandolf. We're bringing sexy scary back so I'm giving it a 7 on 10.
Clever Alternative: Duh... Sexy Gandolf!
Sexy Police Officer
The Sexy Police Officer used to be reserved for badly-acted male strippers making house calls because they received a complaint that things weren't sweaty enough (That's what happens, right?). But now, thanks to gender equality, women too can “taser” your heart and read you your risque rights. The outfit will almost always consist of a plastic baton, handcuffs and aviator sunglasses which, if you're still wearing after midnight shows off your penchant for cocaine. The outfit will, naturally, be skin-tight with either a miniskirt of short shorts which, to be honest, I've never EVER seen any officer of the law wearing, and I've been to Club Med! Being a police officer nowadays is a tad more controversial than years past so it's commendable to all you easy ladies still showing your support to the men and women in blue. I give this outfit a 10 out of 10 because I respect our law enforcement.
Clever Alternative: Sexy Jessica Fletcher because while murder is what she wrote, getting busy is what she wants!
It was a toss-up between this and the Queen Of Dragons chick from Game Of Thrones. Both are supposed to be insane and have dragons (I've never seen Suicide Squad, I assume Harley has dragons). I chose Miss Quinn primarily because I've been to a lot of comic-cons and she's fucking EVERYWHERE. Even after the movie bombed she was still the most overdone character. I also chose her because she's primarily a combination of all of the previously listed generic costumes. She acts both devilish and innocent, she dresses like a schoolgirl, she's probably a witch and she carries a bat, which is like a baton. So, she's basically a Sexy Schwitch De-officel. That doesn't really roll off the tongue, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is you're gonna see at least THREE Harley Quinns wherever you go on Halloween. That's an even bigger guarantee than a DC Comic movie flop. Three years ago I would have given this a 10 on 10 for creativity, but now it gets a -1.
Clever Alternative: Sexy Foggy Nelson from Daredevil. If you can get laid being the most annoying character in the history of television then Kudos to you, my friend!