Words by Seth's Beard

It's that time of year again, where we gorge on candy, dress up like Eleven from Stranger Things and admire the handiwork of our favorite horror film villains not named Donald Drumpf. But, since Woodrocket is an adult site, we thought it would be interesting to take a deeper look into the hypothetical handiwork of some of our favorite badies if they decided to hunker down and take their skill set to the world of porn. We've all thought about it, many have even fantasized about it. Don't worry, we're not judging (We're totally judging).

Freddy Krueger
This one is such a slam dunk that we've already done a parody called Wet Dream On Elm Street. Freddy is everything you look for in a male porn star. He's got a great sense of humor, he's extremely creative and open-minded, he's never been embarrassed to show off some skin (despite how charred he happens to be) and, of course, he absolutely LOVES to penetrate with his fingers. We've never seen Lil' Freddy, but one could only imagine that he's living large, and it could probably talk and do other kinds of really cool things.

Jason Voorhees

Jason Vorhees
The star of Friday the 13th doesn't have nearly the same bubbly personality as Freddy, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't excel in the adult industry. He's a no-frills sorta dude who just goes about his business without making it too much about him. He's never in a rush (as seen by the fact you've never EVER seen him run) and he does the job in a very efficient manner. He also clearly has a permanent boner for hot, nubile, female camper ass so no denying his taste. Bonus points for doing his job by using a GIANT machete. He's sort of like the Shane Diesel of the horror world.

Michael Myers
Michael Myers wears a William Shatner mask, which is enough of a reason to think he wouldn't make it. What are you hiding, Michael Myers? Are you afraid of your family knowing what you do, Michael Myers? Are you ashamed, Michael Myers?? A lot of the time he's just standing there and staring awkwardly, usually through windows. He would be super uncomfortable to have on set. I bet he's got ADD and would have a real hard time cumming on command. Plus he'll do some shitty poetry like in So I Married An Axe Murderer. Wait, what do you mean different guys?

Leprechaun & Chucky
Two different villains from two very different horror franchises that have one thing in common – both are super short. I guess if midget porn ever made a major comeback these two would have bright futures ahead of them, but since it doesn't seem like that's gonna be the case any time soon, I don't have high hopes for either of them making it in the world of smut. Leprechaun maybe has a future in foot fetish because of his obsession with shining shoes. There are, of course, pros and cons for each. Chucky somehow was able to make the big-tittied Tiffany fall for him so he's gotta be packing some serious heat, and Leprechaun will apparently do anything for a buck... anything. On the other side, Chucky just looks like a baby and that would be weird, and Leprechaun would be so preoccupied with reclaiming his pot of gold that it would be impossible to get a full scene from him. Speaking of Tiffany...

Tiffany
She's only a co-star in three of the Child's Play franchise (not including the upcoming Child's Play 7: Butt Stuff), but, my word, have you seen that rack?

Ghostface
Scream's Ghostface is the strong silent type, a rarity in porn where the males always want to be the focal point. Ghostface just goes about doing his job with the occasional phone sex conversation on his downtime (his mind is always on his work). Ghost would be a good fit for all those College Gangbang-type pornos considering all he does is hang around with hot teenage ass. That wide-open mouth is also made for cunnilingus on either guys or girls, in case he wants to expand his horizons.

Norman Bates
True, you can argue that Psycho wasn't a horror film, but think about it; he had mother issues, grew up being told sex was bad and loves to do it in the shower.

Samara Morgan
The “star” of The Ring, Samara got her start in amateur home movies. She's like that library webcam girl, except, you know, she not as book smart.