Words by Seth's Beard

Oddly, one of the things I most look forward to when the AVN Awards roll around is who ends up winning the Clever Title Of The Year award. When 12 Years A Slave first hit theaters, I had little doubt that one day a porn version of that film would be made and sure enough less than a year later, the proud producers of 12 Inches A Slave were taking home some shiny hardware against some very “stiff” competition such as Romancing Her Rectum and Dawn Of The Planet Of The Gapes. I teared up knowing that the industry did not let me down and I almost felt like I singlehandedly willed that great moment to happen.

But attempting a clever title isn't always such a hot idea. For every catchy name, there's a hundred not-so-good ones, like Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers, which invokes uncomfortable images of people irresponsibly raping rotting corpses – not exactly an arousing image, at least not for most. Here is my list of the ten worst porn titles of all time.

Hooters And The Blowjobs
Granted, the name is a clever and convenient porn take on the band name Hootie And The Blowfish, but the problem is this, IT'S A TAKE ON THE BAND NAME HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH, who were arguably the most non-threatening, adult contemporary band of the '90s. It's like having Sting moonlight as a phone sex operator. I would like to give the name a 9/10 because of the wittiness, but am forced to give it a 0 solely because every time I think of this movie all I can think of is the fat lead singer giving BJs to the rest of the band in some poorly lit backstage dressing room. Yeah, you're welcome for that visual.

Girth, Wind and Fire
Since we're already on that “let's inexplicably parody easy-listening bands” kick, who in their right mind decided that the world needed some sort of parody of the band Earth, Wind And Fire, who haven't been relevant since Ron Jeremy was skinny... er not so pudgy? Don't get me wrong, “girth” is a great word and one that you rarely see tossed around in the world of smut, so I gotta at least give full marks for that. If the title was based around finding something that rhymed with Girth instead of something that matched Earth, Wind and Fire then I would be inclined to bump it up a couple notches on the respectability scale. But knowing this industry and its inability to let go of the past, I would be willing to bet whomever came up with the name was wearing bellbottoms.

She Plays A Mean Rusty Trombone
For those out of the loop when it comes to your run-of-the-mill disturbing sexual acts, a Rusty Trombone is when someone is licking your asshole while jerking you off. It is also customary to blow into said butthole creating a musical sound similar to that of a trombone. Hopefully you get the picture because I don't know if there's a more accurate description. I guess the title isn't so bad, just what's being alluded to in it. There's obviously enough of a fanbase for this sort of thing to spawn TWO sequels: SPAMRT 2 – Lick My Brasshole and SPAMRT 3 - The Musical Legacy of George and Ira Gershwin.*
* I may have made those up

The Legend Of Teabagger Vance
Admittedly, I'm not 100% positive that this is a real movie or a name that someone made up and it just took off. Either way, I had to include it partly because it's rather clever but mostly because it's a play off of one of THE worst movies ever made. The Legend Of Bagger Vance is a movie about the importance of drive, motivation, sportsmanship and racial equality. The Legend Of Teabagger Vance, I assume, is about a legendary guy named Vance who likes to teabag girls, regardless of race (I guess they both preach THAT important lesson). Personally, I really want this to be real so if anyone has any proof of its existence, please let me know.

Inrearendance Day
This was one of the first porno flicks I ever saw and it lived up to the billing of what you would expect from a cheesy space porn parody. As you may have guessed, it was a “loose” parody of the movie Independence Day, loose because I know there was an alien in it and the dialogue went something along this lines of:

Female: “Well if you're not here to take over the world, what do you want?”

Alien: “Your ass.”

And then I believe they have sex.

As far as the title goes, They didn't even try and change any words. They found that Independence and “Inrearendence sounded similar so they just went with it.

Not even crazy Randy Quaid could appreciate it.

White Men Can't Iron On Butt Row
I can't even... what??

Hitler Sucks
A survey was recently taken by the American Polling Association regarding what subjects or genres in porn are most appealing to the general public and, surprisingly, genocide was number one by a landslide, which would explain why this movie was even made. Having never seen it I could only imagine it's just like Emmanuelle except instead of a hot french girl it's an angry, german dictator plotting world domination while furiously masturbating in a giant ceramic tub. Or perhaps it's a bukkake where 6 million circumcised penises jizz all over his mustache? I don't know and don't care to find out.

Let's Play Stain The Couch
My couch has all sorts of stains on it, mostly bodily fluids from my cats, beer and melted mint chip ice cream, but I'm pretty sure those aren't the stains this movie is alluding to. At least I don't think so. I did have a film crew in here a while back shooting some footage of my couch for their alleged independent film. Regardless, stains aren't sexy. Guys don't brag to their buddies about all the lady stains they're sitting in whenever they come over (well, maybe some do, but they're probably wearing Affliction shirts and thus don't count).

Here's the other thing, stains can also be unsexy (ex. Poop, the band Staind etc.). If this was a Japanese game show and not a movie, then perhaps I could find some sort of entertainment value in the mystery of it all, but somehow I don't think that was ever the intention.

Sweaty College Girl Butt Stinky Panties
Listen, I get what they're going for here. This has a very specific market for fans who appreciate the female aroma. But the name just sounds like a bunch of hashtags tossed together in one giant title. Are we supposed to read it fast and frenzied or are we supposed to enunciate each word slowly and seductively like a late night slow jams radio DJ? Grammar nazis' heads would explode tallying up all the grammatical mistakes in just a mere six words. One single comma could have prevented this title from being the most difficult tongue twister known to man.

The Anal Girls Of Tobacco Road 2: Vagina Slimes
Naturally I could have chosen any of the masterpieces in the Anal Girls Of Tobacco Road series just for the name, but since we're going for the worst titles in the history of porn, I had no choice but to include this specific installment. Obviously this is a series meant for fans of anal and smokers and slime? I'm not really sure who this series is for. If no one utters the word “Mentholes” at any point in all four volumes of this classic series then I'm embarrassed for the writers. I assume it wasn't endorsed by the American Lung Association.