Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
You might not have noticed this about us, but sometimes we do some crazy shit at Woodrocket just because we can. This list is a solid example of that. We could have chosen supervillains that rock in the sack (that would have been easier, I swear) but no, we had already done an article on superheroes that were good in the sack, so we knew we needed to take the opposite approach for your sake. Yes, you. You demand quality weirdness, and here at Woodrocket – we aim to please. So lets’ get this shit-show on the road! Here are:
Woodrocket’s Top 10 Worst Super Villains in the Sack
10. The Penguin
Ew, man, come on. We didn’t need to go much further than that hooked-out nose of his to know that any up-close-and-personal stuff was going to be a painful affair with our crotches. And just imagine the, “Oh god,wack, wack!!”? Better yet: Don’t.
9. Darth Vader
Without a doubt this dude is a fridge in the bed (and yes, he has his own comic. And it’s badass. Read it!). I mean, even if he wasn’t a dark-side possessed cyborg emperor-slave, you still have to contend with the fact that the last chick he fucked died. Sound insensitive? Tell that to Alderaan.
8. Paste Pot Pete (aka the Trapster)
This lameoid has been a C-rate Spider-villain forever, and any time we talk about the worst comic character anything, this guy’s name gets brought up. No good rationale. We just hate his face. He definitely sucks in bed.
7. Venom (1990s version)
He’s positively obsessed with Peter Parker, so there’s no way in hell you’re getting this creep’s attention on the mattress. Even if you manage to get past the disgusting black tar-like goo that he oozes, you still have to deal with him bragging about how he’s gonna go shitcrazy on Spidey in an alley somewhere. Just fuck and get it over with, you two.
This guy gives no fucks for our pleasure. Absolutely zero. He wants to pop his infinity nut and get back to smozzing with Death herself. Yeah, Death. How’s that for “the other woman”?
5. Killer Croc
Ugh. Wanna fuck a sewer? Cause that’s what you’re getting into with this slimed-out freak. Scaly, stinking and full of fangs & hate. What, am I fucking Kim Davis?
4. Professor Zoom (aka the Reverse Flash)
So let’s just forget that the guy is a sociopathic, time-traveling serial killer and focus on the fact that we’re talking about a quickie so fast you’re reading the newspaper one second and suddenly you just wonder why your hole hurts.
If his name was Two-Dick we might be talking about a different story here. But instead we’re speaking of a guy who can’t decide which way to talk or to wipe his ass without a 50/50 gamble. Picture asking this guy coyly what he’d like to do in bed: He has to get up, flip the coin and—oops!—tails! He shoots you in the asshole.
2. Poison Ivy
Only girl on the list! Because she’s poison! Your mind would instantly be controlled. A slave you’d be! And you know what? Everyone else in the office, man & woman, agreed: we’d still fuck her.
1. Gorilla Grodd
Not that he would even attempt to, but the fact is it’s impossible for a 600 pound gorilla to be gentle with your privates. It’s like being fucked by King Kong’s son. We are not compatible, people. This nasty monkey will make a mess of your mouth, and head downstairs to finish the job. I don’t care who you are or what you think you can handle, you cannot handle Gorilla Grodd. The last person to try was Kenny Rogers, and look how that turned out. They had to reconstruct his entire visage.
From being face-fucked by an ape. Just wanted to make that clear. Kenny Rogers.*
*ED- I know it doesn’t need to be said, but for liabilities’ sake, Locke is a pathological liar.
That’s it! (thank you baby lizardman jesus.) But it’s not over by a long shot! Join us next time as we switch gears from gross to godly when we pick the Sexiest Superhero Costumes in the Multiverse. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.