Words: Locke Van Kemp
(Note: Every now and then Locke goes on a ludicrous fiction bender where he cannot stop himself from completely making things up. As he is our resident Comic Book expert there is rarely a time where we feel the need to doubt the validity of his research. This is one of those times. - ed)
“Agent PeckerMaster is a lady?”
“Of course she is, man! And she can turn your own dick against you! It’ll grow fangs, bite your thighs…”
Hold on. Hold the boat. Stop the pecker-biters. I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?
While discussing, pitching and screaming ideas, one subject that keeps getting circled back to was: “worst super hero & super villain names in comic books.” So I did some research and, yes, sure, of course, there are some bad ones. Snowjob in Larry Hama’s GI Joe comic, and Rocksteady in Eastman and Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles both stood out as particularly sexual and unintentionally hedonistic codenames.
But good gods, really? They’re not that bad, are they? I mean, they’re fairly innocuous given the current state of comic books and literature in general. I share my writing studio with bastard artist and fellow drunkard, Rip Branagan, and because I consider him an all-around inventive fool, we began chatting up ideas regarding the worst names of all time as he drew and I drank. Rather unintentionally we began creating and un-creating our own versions of shit names and powers. We laughed, thumbs-downed, yelled, sketched and wrote like mad idiots -- and I’ll be drawn & damned if we didn’t come up with some amazingly horrid monikers that rivaled anything we could find elsewhere. Why should we provide you, our faithful reader, with subpar creations when we held the keys to true awfulness in our very craniums? So without further ado, I present to you our completely made-up, filthtastically original:
Top Ten Worst Comic Book Character Names Ever.
10. The Unfuckable Captain Tartar-Cum
He’s a really good guy with a really terrible power. By using sheer willpower the Captain can spew an awful smelling jizz that will encase any bad guy in a seafood-scented concrete-like structure. Unfortunately he can only cum this substance, and has therefore gained the unfortunate moniker “Unfuckable” among not only the female heroes of his league, but also anyone in law enforcement that has been tasked with hauling away his foul-stinking “catch.”
9. Doctor Sixty-Eight
She’s a lab coat-wearing villain that tricks you into going down on her, knocks you out afterwards and then says “I owe you one.” The same few super-dudes “fall for it” over and over because she is insanely hot.
He’s a piss-freak fairy from the planet Urinus. A tiny villain that attacks his prey from above (he’s a space-fairy; he can fly, obviously) by spraying them with a very hallucinogenic piss. While people are tripping-out, seeing freakish piss-induced nightmares and going as crazy as a shit-rat in a hot bottle of shit, Trinklar is able to make off with their valuables. As for the explanation of his name, panel one of issue number one’s dialogue sums it up succinctly: “On my planet we trinkle on our enemies.”
7. The CockKeeper
Elderly lady villain that steals penises and uses them to adorn her jewelry. She has entire wardrobes comprised mostly of dicks. She has no real evil agenda to speak of; she just really likes wearing a shit-ton of cocks.
6. Mr. Number Dookey
This guy is the worst. He has anuses in the palms of his hands and shit falls out of them on command. It’s not much of a power, but his villain friends love working with him regardless. They bust up into a bank and scream “Everyone freeze, hands up or you get a filthy taste of Number Dookey!”
5. Count DickuLocke
Much like a vampire but with two small cocks for fangs. He lays them on your neck and secretes a mind-control semen and you become cock-locked to him for eternity. The trick lies in him being able to subdue his victims while he lays the two tiny, flaccid dicks on their necks. We imagine him as a pretty big dude, though, so he probably headlocks you into his cock drop.
4. Juan Toot Tree
Hispanic guy who is made completely out of a tree bark and farts deadly toxin gas. His catchphrase is “You have till the count of Tree.”
3. Professor PussySnare
African warrior princess that comes to America, gets her PhD in molecular biology, and uses science to train her pubic hair to attack on command. The pubes grow and shrink in size and they obey her mental commands. She’s like a vaginal Medusa. Her favorite way to knock-out the bad guy is to grab his head with her downstairs-hair and smother his face in her crotch. Why? You figure it out.
(I actually like this one quite a bit-- If I end up doing any work for ZZZ Comics this is a contender for a pitch…)
This guy oh-so-badly wants to be a good guy, but his only power is making a villain’s feet magically crack off, and that’s just not cool, man. Lot of blood involved. No super team will have him, so he is constantly interviewing people to work with him. Unfortunately, the moment any new hapless partner sees him rip off some poor bad guy’s feet, vomit ensues, and FeetTaker is back on Craigslist under “sidekicks.” To further complicate matters, the feet appear in a satchel that he carries, and by nightfall he is forced to dump them out into a giant landfill behind his trailer. It’s affectionately called the FeetPit by no one but him.
1. Agent PeckerMaster
Number one! PeckerMaster works for the J.U.N.K. dismemberment agency as a dual super-spy/sorceress supreme. Although she could cast virtually any spell that she desired, she’s overly particular to the ‘I’m-the-master-of-your member’ spell. Will your dick grow fangs and bite you? Will it spit acidic cum on your chest? Will it detach from your body and throat-choke you to death with your own balls? Only Agent PeckerMaster knows for sure. Plus, seeing as her disguises are of the highest quality, her “marks” often time don’t know they’re in trouble until their own penises are attacking them. Dismemberment, indeed.
So, crude believers, that’s it for this installment, but holy shit-on-a-shitcake do we have some amazing stuff in store for you coming up! I’ll see you then, you beautiful lot of freaked-up maniacs, and remember; I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.