Words by Seth's Beard
Since the dawning of time, civilization has been making lists of the hottest people on the planet. Adam and Eve had one (although it only consisted of two people and a snake). William Shakespeare is said to have had an enchanted leather-bound book of the sultriest temptresses to ever take the stage. Even good Sir Isaac Newton had a handwritten scroll of his “sexiest humans aided by gravity.” When it comes to cartoon characters, however, these lists are an entirely different beast. You see, there are no limits when it comes to animated bodies powered by perverted imagination. No bust too large, no dress too short, no deformity to strange. Hell, Leela from Futurama only has one eye and rates considerably high up on our personal hotness scale. Which is what makes a line-up like this so complex and nuanced. So, without further bluster, we present Woodrocket's list of Hottest Cartoon Characters. And remember, if you passionately disagree with any of it-- then you really need to stop watching cartoons.
The original. The pioneer for aspiring sexually powerful cartoon characters for almost 100 years now. She's made a living off of winking flirtatiously and showing off those long gams. In fact Betty's creators, Max Fleisher and Grim Natwick were asked to tone down her ‘demeanor’ because she was deemed TOO sexy. She's the Bettie Page of animation.
Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Even before Darryl Hannah rocked Tom Hanks' world in Splash, there's been an infatuation with mermaids, and Ariel completes the checklist of what we'd expect the fantasy to be. She's a naïve, hopeless romantic who is willing to go with the flow no matter how much crap you throw her way. There's also the fact that she spent half of The Little Mermaid not talking... literally. She really couldn't talk which also means she couldn't talk back (yeah, I went there). Disney seems to have the formula for hot cartoon chicks on lockdown and Ariel, the gal who brought seashell bras back in style is no exception. One major mark that goes against her, however, is her obvious lack of lady parts, but that fin sure is purty.
The sister of Eternia’s Prince Adam A.K.A. He-Man-- who seems awfully protective, so make sure you treat her right. Not that she couldn't take care of herself, mind you. She clearly knows her way around a sword, if you know what I mean. The alter-ego of Princess Adora, when she was a baby, she was kidnapped by the Horde leader – Hordak, so you just KNOW she's got some messed up shit going through her head with that kind of traumatic experience. With ridiculous long legs and even longer flowing blond locks, She-Ra would even turn Man-At-Arms straight (c'mon, just look at that mustache). Her skimpy outfit also allowed for copious amounts of as much sideboob as could be allowed on a kid-friendly cartoon. The only major downside I can see is that you probably have to deal with Orko cockblocking you half the time.
How Peter Griffin managed to snag her will forever go down as one of the many great mysteries of the world. Peter is a fat schlub with no manners, while Lois is an absolute catch. She sends racy photos of herself to Peter, had a successful stint as a model, banged a former President Of The United States and even starred in her own porno (the AVN-snubbed Quest for Fur). She's the ultimate goal for Quagmire, which says a lot considering the sheer volume of women he's snogged. We can overlook her nasally voice and constant badgering for Peter to do the right thing (like, you know, be a decent parent) considering she was obviously able to overlook all of Peter's stupid shenanigans. Extra bonus points for doing KISS before they were famous.
An innocent look, a super short white frock, and the fact that she's the only girl in Smurf Village makes us surmise that she's always DTF considering how cheerful all of the male Smurfs seem to be (except grumpy Smurf, or, as he's now more commonly known, Impotent Smurf). With those long eyelashes and staple pose which always seems to be saying “hey boys, i'm horny”, Smurfette has one job and one job only – to look pretty. Seriously. All of the major Smurfs have names that coincide with their skills: Hefty Smurf is strong, Brainy Smurf is smart, Clumsy Smurf is clumsy and Sex Offender Smurf has to spend every episode going door to door telling the other Smurfs that he is a registered sex offender. And before you ask, I refuse to make any blue jokes because I'm more mature than that.
Getting away from the brightly-clothed and ditzy characters, Baroness dressed all in black, worked for Cobra and had the thick, heavy Russian (or was it German?) accent. She's the kind of girl you pay in advance to meet you in a dungeon somewhere where they pour wax on you and make you walk around on all fours.
Janine Melnitz (Real Ghostbusters)
Now if seductive, glasses-wearing secretaries who take no crap from anyone is more your thing, then Janine is the one for you. She was the one who kept all the other Ghostbusters in check by making sure everything ran smoothly around the ol' firehouse. She also didn't mind getting her hands dirty strapping on... a proton pack and helping out the boys. She has that sort of Fran Drescher whiny voice that worked against Lois Griffin, but seems to be a plus for her. Janine also spent a lot of her downtime hanging out with Slimer so it's clear she doesn't give a fuck about social appearances. She was also majorly into Egon so brains were clearly her aphrodisiac.
Yet another redhead (seems to be the norm amongst animated hotties), she was always the attractive one in the Scooby-Doo gang (along with the Stoner, the nerd and the preppy), her sexiness was elevated because of Velma and her unappealing librarian-esque attire and social awkwardness. Sort of like hanging out with your ugly friends to make yourself look better (you know some of you do it). Her purple dress fit very seductively and you just know that green scarf she always wore was just a way to hide her sweater puppies without making it too obvious.
This one's an absolute no-brainer and one of those “how in the hell was he able to get someone like HER” anomalies that occur either in cartoons or Seth Rogen movies. Jessica is a fiery redhead bombshell who just oozes sexuality. Modeled after some of Hollywood's most preeminent pieces of eye-candy, the wife of cartoon actor and obvious cocaine addict Roger Rabbit has curves in all the right places and knows exactly how to flaunt it. She's probably been voted ‘most likely to be jerked off to if you were going to jerk off to a cartoon’.
As a lifelong fan of the Transformers, there was no way I was going to leave out Optimus Prime's main sidepiece (allegedly). It was easy to spot her a mile away because she was basically the ONLY pink Transformer in the entire universe. Even in robotland, gender stereotypes are predominant as Elita-One was blessed with long legs, a halter top and a freakin' ponytail (sort of). She also always seems to be make-up ready and when she transforms she kind of looks like how you would expect the Volkswagen Beetle to look in the future. Aside from being skilled in the field of ass-kicking, she's been known to have unique skills like stopping time briefly and being able to send off an attraction field that causes those who are susceptible (read: horny) to just overheat without warning. Yowza!