Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan

You’re the world’s mightiest superhero, and you’ve just had a long day of outwitting megalomaniacal assholes, saving children from burning buildings, and thwarting an alien invasion of planet earth. Now you just wanna kick back, pop a brew, and rub one out. Nothing wrong with that, but what to watch? That’s the question we posed to several of the world’s utmost experts in both the comic book industry – and the pornography field! So hold on to your precious penises and private pussies because we proudly present the opening installment of a series we like to call:

PORN THAT SUPERHEROES WATCH

Green Lantern
He can create just about anything that he can imagine from the cosmic power ring he was willed from beyond the stars – but, as usual, here on WoodRocket, we believe he would conjure up and fuck a green Bea Arthur. Thank you for being a friend!

Wonder Woman
Unanimously the thought was bondage. Dominatrix style! She wants to see a fierce, ass-kicking Amazon chick with the tools to restrain some muscle-bound fool. Handcuffs. Duct tape, and, most importantly, rope, baby, rope. A little boot-licking to round it out and it’s a wonder she hasn’t cum yet!

Aquaman
This dude loves the squirt! In the face. On the chest. In the MOUTH! This guy wants to see some folks get majorly blasted with squirt juice, and there’s nothing fishy about that!

Spider-Man
Facials. You know this to be true. The stickier the better! He gives bonus points if they play with it on their hands making a web of drool and semen from the mouth. Really? That’s amazing, Spider-Man!

Batman
Subject to a lot of debate here. In the end we decided the Dark Knight was probably down-to-clown. Juggalo porn! Faces painted, lots of circus props, and really just whipping the everlovin’ shit outta each other! Fuck you, Joker! No, really, fuck you!

Captain America
You’d think this guy would be as straight-laced as the day is long, but it turns out he’s the freakiest of them all! Piss Popsicles. Fecal Twister. Puke Play! And all the while watching this stomach-turning display of debauchery, he always insists on lighting his own pubic hair on fire! Cap is a freaked-out sexual monster-beast, but at the end of the night he clears his Google searches – for America’s sake!

Dr. Strange
The good doctor doesn’t care what he’s watching as long as he’s been sitting on his hands long enough to make them go to sleep. He refuses to touch his own penis unless he can’t feel it. It doesn’t matter if you put on a Kayla Danger video or an episode of Pimp My Ride, he’ll wack it with ‘pins and needles” to completion – and has thus gained the moniker around the Avengers mansion: “Dr. Stranger.”

She Hulk
Scrawny dudes! Little guys giving it their all! If she sees some six-pack abs it’s a big thumbs-down and keeps on scrolling. But a man of small stature going downtown-and-back-around on a lady with a little cushion for extra pushin? It makes her green with envy – and pleasure!

Black Widow
Nat is always in control. So when she wants to get off she wants to feel out of control. Hardcore gonzo! Choking, stroking and anal groping. Spy in the streets, Belladonna in the sheets!

Iron Man
What do you get the man who has everything? An orgy! Tony Stark wants to see it all, baby. Girl-on-girl. Guy-on-guy. Girl-on-guy-on-girl-with-a-dick -on-a-merry-go-round-propelled-by-dildo-rockets-riden-by-monkeys! If you can dream it, Stark has seen it. And Tony doesn’t mind putting his money where his smut is – in order to back some of his more inventive ideas. Hell, where do you think Woodrocket gets our funding?!

That’s it for this week, crude believers, but be sure to join us back here when we take a tally and find out which superhero rates the best – in the sack! Till then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.