Words by Alice White

Hallowe’en is a riot. Being sexy, being cool, getting laid, showing everyone how creative you are, saying patronizing things like “oh I’m glad someone got the reference” while being disappointed someone got the reference. My friend had a one night stand with a guy dressed as SpiderMan who never took his mask off even when he left (hungover and by the door). Another friend tried to get away with cheating on his date with another girl dressed as a Smurf and only got caught out when he had blue paint all over his dick. It’s a real horror show out there and it’s the one day of the year where how gross you are on the outside, finally matches your insides. There’s no other holiday in the year that is more about sexual garbage so it’s important to know what signal your costume is giving off.

A Roy Lichtenstein pop art woman
It’s difficult to see through all the lines and spots initially, but underneath you’re almost definitely the type of person who is only fun in a self-serving way. You invite a bunch of male friends (who are only your friend because they once tried to fuck you and now pretend they’re over it) to accompany you to a cool party to give yourself an entourage while you look hot and chic and interested in contemporary art, but then when you get bored for even a second you’ll make everyone you brought leave with you and in the Uber home, subtly imply that you would’ve had a better time with somebody else. You’ll pick one to keep you company when you get back to your apartment, give him half a hand job then say “your friendship means too much to me” and go to sleep.

Ryan Gosling in Drive
Nothing says you’re unimaginative and an easy lay like dressing as Ryan Gosling in Drive. That’s what makes it so sexy. It’s like tying a cherry stalk with your tongue in front of someone you’re trying to fuck; they don’t give a shit whether you can do that, it’s purely the fact they just very obviously want to fuck you. Putting on that shiny little scorpion jacket is saying to the world “I will fuck and be fucked by anyone”.

Margot Tenenbaum
This is officially the last year you can be Margot Tenenbaum. It’ll come back ironically again in 2019 but it’s having a short break right now. As with all costumes to some degree, there’s a certain amount of self perception and being Margot for a night is your way of letting us know you think you’re cool, calm and collected, a dead pan tortured artist. You desperately want someone to say “oh yeah, you kinda remind me of her actually” more than you want anything else in the world (this also applies if you’re thinking of going as Tyler Durden). You’re the kind of woman who would’ve still idolized Disney Princesses if you hadn’t read Sylvia Plath once.

Donald Trump
You would’ve done Kim Jong-Un if hadn’t been reprimanded and humiliated by your peers that time you blacked up as Bob Marley, you fucking idiot. You won’t do better than you normally would pulling women but you’ll try harder and have a load of fake confidence because your weak personality has been overridden by the character you’re playing of a character another man is playing. Your chat up line will probably be “hey baby, you wanna be responsible for your own rape?”

Velma from Scooby Doo
You’re a dork with an American Apparel gift card who wants to be objectified by men once in a while.

Mario and Luigi
This duo is a classic because it’s always a chance for the short, chubbier one in a pair of friends to be the leading man as opposed to his tall, thin mate. People will lap it up because they’ll get it. It’s low-key and a crowd pleaser. You know what you are, you’re Mario, and he’s Luigi, you’re plumber brothers everyone will recognize you and you get to wear red dungarees and a fake mustache like the little creep that everyone always knew you were.

Sexy cat/mouse/rabbit/maid/nurse
Fuck it, it’s fun. “It’s just an excuse that some girls use to look slutty” bingo! And what’s wrong with that? Boil it down a little bit and what’s your problem? Where does your point go after that? “excuse to look slutty and that’s bad because… they shouldn’t”? Oh god, you can’t think like that. Are you one of those dumb self proclaimed intellectuals who think that appearance is somehow inferior to brains as if you had a choice in the hand you were dealt. Do you think that being trashy on trash night is something that’s beneath you? Hopefully you're the kind of liberal who lets people do what they like. After equality policies, health care, women of color being treated equally, equal pay, trans women’s rights, lesbian rights and so on; wearing what you want is, like, the biggest part of feminism. I’ve got a soft spot for the tarty bumble-bee-with-fishnets or the bunny-tail-attached-with-a-butt-plug look. It’s fun and let’s be fair, your high-brow hallowe’en venue choices are usually between a dive bar, or, if you’re really classy, a party in someone’s two-bedroom house drinking Jim Beam out of a mug.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.