By: Layne Hunters

I may be dating myself here, but back in the olden days, it used to be only burly sailors who would be covered from head to toe in tattoos. Not anymore. Nowadays there's a good chance that the innocent looking girl who makes your morning latte is sporting some serious body art. But what do they all mean? Chances are that girl with the Captain Morgan pirate tattoo you drunkenly made out with at Daytona Beach has her PhD, right? Here’s a quick, tongue-in-cheek guide to help you decode what her ink is really saying.

Anything On Her Lower Back
The quintessential tattoo for ladies who work the Tuesday afternoon shift at the worst strip club in town. They don’t call it a “Tramp Stamp” for nothing. A French study was conducted on the social commentary surrounding lower back tattoos and it revealed that men who spotted women with a tattoo on their lower back assumed that she would have sex on the first date. Now we’re not confirming nor denying this, but if you do see a chick with lower back ink there’s a 90 percent chance she enjoys listening to Nickelback so making bad decisions seems to be a fairly regular occurrence.

Her Ex’s Name
Speaking of bad decisions, it also seems to be pretty common for guys to fall victim to the romantic notion of getting their love-du-jour permanently etched onto their skin, but sometimes ladies make this mistake as well. If the tattoo is playfully covered up with an X, then she has a sense of humor and probably doesn't take life too seriously. If the tattoo is still clearly visible with her claiming that “Big Ed” is actually the name of her baby nephew, run away as fast as you can.

Some Quote From a Random Book That Nobody Has Ever Heard Of
This girl is a pseudo-intellectual who claims she’s well-read, but hasn’t picked up a book since Jane Eyre back in her freshmen year of high school. She Googled “literary quotes” and picked out the best one that would fit on the inside of her wrist. She has seen the movie Twilight several thousand times.

Some Trite Quote Everyone Has Heard Of
Unlike the girl with a quote from some obscure piece of literature this chick doesn't even try to be original. Ink that says: “Life Fast. Die Young” or some other verbal diarrhea that would scatter the pages of a high school yearbook/bathroom wall should be avoided at all cost. This girl lacks inspiration, thus she would probably be a bore in the bedroom. Everyone knows, the more creative the ink, the crazier the fuck.

Anything On Or Near Her Boobs
You would think that this tattoo would fall under the same category as the lower back, but that’s a rookie mistake. If the tattoo is on the top of her breast and is a rose or some similar iconography, her name is probably something like Bev and she still brags about being a groupie for some Hair Metal band that hasn’t been relevant in decades. If the tattoo is under her boob and is a word like “Wanderlust” done in some fancy script font, she brags about how many Instagram followers she has and can be found in a tent at Burning Man giving hand jobs with some organic lube made from Mother Earth.

Old-School Inspired Ink
Chicks with Sailor Jerry-style tats are the type of women who will drink straight whiskey and can no doubt outdrink any man willing to sit next to them at your local dive bar. They’ll also hustle pool games at said bar and make you feel like Steve Urkel compared to their sheer badassery.

Any Looney Tunes Character
And of course no tattoo list would be complete without these. Everyone watched Looney Tunes growing up. Does that mean I’m going to get Marvin the Martian tattooed above my twat? Hell no! 99% of women who have a Looney Tunes tattoo probably got it done by their alcoholic boyfriend after he traded a transmission from a Pontiac Fiero for a tattoo gun. Most of these tattoos are either Tweety Bird or the Tasmanian Devil. Don’t believe me? Just head to the nearest Podunk town’s demolition derby. What I’m saying is, don’t even bother hooking up with this woman unless you want to be on Cops.

Layne Hunters is a Boston born, certified organic, tomboy femme lesbian. When she's not creating smut for us, she's producing and writing films (of the non-humping variety). She has worked as a blogger for numerous websites, and as a copywriter for the wine and spirits industry. Yes, she can get free booze. No, she will not hook you up. Listen to her shenanigans at hourofthunder.podomatic.com