Picture this... You've been waiting patiently for this brand new triple anal freakfest movie to come out. A particularly steamy scene's gotten you all worked up and you're vibing. The big moment is fast approaching for both you and those on screen. You try to time your moment just right, life's truest and most sincere form of living vicariously through someone else. The sound of balls slapping against flesh increases in intensity as the primordial grunts signifies the predictable conclusion to the cliffhanger.

He pulls out. A voice whispers something that makes the girl moan uncontrollably.

“I forgot to bring the lobster in.”

Wait, what?

Did he just remind himself to bring an aquatic crustacean into his (or hers or someone's) home? Has he been preoccupied with this the whole time? Was he going to surprise the taking of her multi-anal virginity with a homecooked seafood dinner? Does she get off on animal cruelty? No, that can't be right. Damn it, the moment's ruined! You can't possibly cum with all these unanswered questions in your head. Why oh why couldn't there have been another way to keep up with the dialogue?

That's where I come in (no pun intended). You see when I'm not shopping for douches at Target or half-heartedly wiping up semen on comforters already covered in other peoples' semen I occasionally moonlight as a captioner in porn.

Yes it does exist, and yes I'm sure some people actually rely on captions to keep track of what's happening on screen. Whether there's an actual storyline involving horny stepsiblings or an honest-to-goodness attempt at making an Oscar-worthy piece of smut, there's actually a lot more dialogue than you would think (try not fast-forwarding through 80% and you'll see what I mean). Sure, voices may not be your thing, but sometimes a particularly well-placed line of romantic poetry, for instance, “your asshole looks exceptionally gapey today” is enough to convince a fussy viewer to say to themselves, “you know what? I'm gonna see this one through to the end, see if he's right”.

Now you may be thinking, “Essentially you get paid to watch porn, doesn't seem like such a bad gig.” Well, let me be the first to tell you it's not all fun and games. Here are some of the usual roadblocks encountered that make me want to bring my computer to a set and throw it at unsuspecting fornicators.

-The Bob Ueckers -
For those who don't know, Bob Uecker was a play by play announcer in major league baseball, probably best known for playing the same role in the movie Major League. The Bob Ueckers are the performers who just don't know how or when to stop yapping. Hey there Mr. All About Me, you know sometimes the viewer doesn't need a literal rundown of what is happening and what will soon be happening. I understand that for some performers that's their thing. They like to let their partner, the director, the cameraman, the boom operator, the jizz mopper, the stuntcock (always gotta keep a stuntcock on standby) know that he's in command and what happens happens because he said it's gonna happen. Granted, I'm sure when in the heat of the moment, the last thing anyone is thinking is, “I should make this easy on the guy who has to caption all this”, but good god, just SHUT UP for 30 seconds. You're having sex with a beautiful creature. Save your oxygen. The same gripe also applies to cameraman who love interjecting themselves into the scene. The women, however, get a pass because there's something a lot more acceptable about a hot chick saying dirty things. It doesn't make it any easier, just more tolerable.

- The Jerry Seinfelds -
God forbid a scene involves two or even THREE people who love the sound of their own voice and will carry on nonsensical discussions just because they can. I've had the pleasure of captioning some of the most stimulating, most deeply philosophical discussions ever debated while in the throes of slutty DP action. I've honestly witnessed such thought-provoking debates including China's role in the conquering of Nazi Germany to favorite home-cooked meals. Fascinating to be sure, but perhaps more suitable in a diner over coffee and tuna melts.

-The Job Interview-
You're familiar with this style of porn where the director or camera guy basically interrogates a girl into giving up her social security number and willingness to bang a goat. As a porn connoisseur myself, I too sometimes enjoy a brief little one-on-one time to get to know the girl about to get railed. She's 18? Sweet. Oh, she loves giving blowjobs? My kind of girl. But when the questions start to center around the saddest funeral they've ever attended, it starts to drone on. Now imagine being the one who has to write all this down. Listen, we know that shit is made up, don't make me a part of your web of lies.

- Borat -
Sometimes frustration boils over not because of how much is being said or even what is being said, but how it is being said. Once in a while there will be a performer whose grasp of the english language is, as the French say, Le Terrible. Poor attempts at saying something dirty in a language clearly not their first makes for some interesting possible interpretations. More often though, i'm left rewinding numerous times trying to decipher a line as simple as “I love to feel your lips around my cock.” Once they start throwing in particular words from their native language it's game over.

- Pleasure through repetition -
And then there are those performers who simply cannot resist the temptation to repeat the same line over and over on repeat, like a skipping record. I don't know when this happened, but the apparent go-to line for all women in porn is “Oh my God, that feels so fucking good.” I can't tell you how many times I've written that line out. I even have it hot-keyed on my computer and no I'm not joking. It truly makes me question the importance of captioning in porn also my will to live. This also includes scenes involving multiple guys with the same girl who feel the need to remind one another how good “that pussy feels” in case the others forget.

Most of you were probably never even aware that captioning in porn existed, let alone enhanced the porno-watching experience for some. Rest assured, I am living proof that it does exist and that it does actually serve a purpose. So the next time you come across someone who tells you they caption porn for a living, shake their hand, salute them, maybe even applaud a little, for they might be the most unappreciated cog in the smut machine, but to a small few, they may be the most important.


PS. For 5 bucks I'll throw your name somewhere in a porn.