Words by Locke Van Kempe

The piercing, beeping chirp from my phone means I have an email. It’s gone off a dozen times in the past twenty minutes, so I have no choice but to pry open my bloodshot eyes and deal with whatever infernal problem has arisen. 11am is an insane time to be woken up. My head is killing me. I’ve been asleep less than 3 hours, but I can’t help but smile when I read the first email from the head honchos at Wood Rocket.

“Someone suggested characters who look like genitalia. Can we do something with that?”

Heh.

Goddamn straight, we can.

Let’s not dress this up anymore than we have to. These are, of course, dick jokes we’re talking about here. So without further ado I present:

THE TOP FIVE SUPER VILLAINS WHO LOOK LIKE GENITALIA

5. The Leader

He’s one of Hulk’s rogue gallery.

He’s an insane and evil super genius.

He’s a dude with a head that looks like it’s covered in scrotum skin.

The Leader is an old school Marvel comics baddie with a back story that reads nearly identical to all gamma radiated characters from that time period. Samuel Sterns worked for a chemical plant, was moving some radioactive materials, said materials exploded, and BAM, the Leader was born. As was par-for-course back then, the gamma bombardment gave Sterns his subconscious wish, that of being smarter than his egghead scientist brother. And, boy howdy, did it make him smarter. Gamma rays will turn you green, every dummy knows that, but in Stern’s case it also increased the size of his brain and, subsequently, his cranium. This could have resulted in any configuration of skull shapes but, long-story-short; it changed his head into a giant ball-sack.

Trust me, I get that it’s supposed to look like the creases & folds of a brain, but — you know what? It looks like my nuts. It does. It even has the weird divider in the middle. You know, that part that separates the testicles? It has that. Yup. Why? I have a feeling that the artist (legendary creator and all around art god Steve Ditko) was laughing his ass off as he first penciled old sack-noggin.

“There’s no way they’ll let me get away with this,” he said, laughing. “That’s clearly a scrotum head.”

To make things worse, there was that one time the Hulk hit the Leader in the head so hard it made his mouth piss.*

*that did not happen –ed.

4. Herr Starr

One of the greatest comic book series of all time is unquestionably the Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon masterpiece, Preacher. It’s not up for discussion. And their main antagonist, Herr Starr, is undisputedly one of greatest comic book villains of all time. Again, no reason to talk about it, we all agree. So it’s a turn of sick genius when those guys decided it would be hysterical to put a giant linear scar right down the middle of the bald baddie’s dome-piece, creating the most memorable penis-headed villain in comics.

The scene in question occurs in an elevator in a scuffle between Starr and lead character, Jesse Custer. Custer gets the upper hand and uses a knife to slice a perfect line right on top of Starr’s head before he escapes. When the scar finally heals, it looks exactly like a penis. A big, white, ugly penis with a face. There’s also a brilliant scene where Starr tries on a plethora of different hats in an attempt to hide the cock dome. He spends the rest of the comic book series running around in a white suit, giving orders like a boss, killing off a shit-ton of folks, and being the general badass sacred executioner that he’s been appointed to be — all the while looking like a giant, walking dick. I’d say “hats off” to Ennis and company, but that’s a bit on the nose now, isn’t it?

3. Bushmaster

He’s a dick with arms, right? I mean, I get the “I’m supposed to be a snake” design, but he’s a bald, phallic, ribbed-for-your-pleasure creature who spits white stuff.

He’s a dick.

He also has the BEST back story. You see, there was once this kid named Quincy McIver, and like a lot of younger kids, Quincy badly wanted to follow in his older brother’s footsteps. But Quincy’s brother walked a nefarious path that included slinging drugs on the mean streets of New York. So one night there happens to be this absolute shit-ton of cocaine that needs to be unloaded off a boat at the dock, and Quincy’s brother says, “Hey man, you wanna do this? It’s easy, and there’s virtually no way it will result in you being turned into a life-sized snakeman.”*

But while they’re unloading the booger sugar, the cops bust up into the place on boats of their own, and Quincy gets scared and jumps into the water to swim away. And he jumps right into the boat’s roaring motor. Yup.

And it chops his arms off.

Both.

And it chops his legs off.

Both.

So they take him to the hospital, and by an incredible stroke of luck there’s a company called Roxxon looking for quadruple amputees (luck o’ the Irish!). They say, “Look, my boy, this seems bad now, but how would you like to have brand spanking new bionic limbs? Turn that frown upside down! You’re gonna be fine, and in no way will this result in you becoming a body-snake!”*

But of course, they lied. And when Quincy wakes up they have grafted a snake tail on him instead of legs. And he’s like, “WTF?” and they’re like, “If you test this snake tail for one year for us and don’t like it, we’ll build you some sweet-ass, legit legs. Cool?” And then two months later Roxxon goes out of business and Quincy has a snake tail forever. (I’m not making this up. I couldn’t make this up.)

So, attempting to make a horrible situation worse, Quincy adopts the moniker Bushmaster and starts a life of crime. While researching this with comic book store owner and all around freak, Rik Kirby, I started noting that every Bushmaster tale had at least one of three words in its conclusion: Captured, Defeated or Poisoned. Now I get the captured and defeated part, but why are people constantly poisoning a snake man?

Probably because he’s a dick.

*Virtually nothing in quotations is actually present in Bushmasters history. –ed.

2. Angstrom Levy

Another scrotum head? A fairly recent creation, I think we all see the homage to the design of the Leader because — seriously — this guy has a nut sack for a skull as well.

Angstrom is a super villain in the killer comic book series, Invincible. If you’re not reading it, you should be, because it’s one of the best superhero books on the stands. That does not, though, exempt it from my distain regarding the fact that I have to look at another set of man-nuts growing out of a super-freak’s head. Angstrom’s history is a classic one — an accident of his own doing mutates the villain but, due to the severity of the damage, he is driven insane and believes the book’s titular protagonist, Invincible, caused the accident. The accident in question apparently makes his dome grow balls.

The book is drawn by fan favorite artist, Ryan Ottley, and whether or not you dig the scrotum-headed design, you gotta admit it’s probably the most hyper detailed scrotum-head we’ll ever see. Wrinkles, veins, and creases are all painstakingly and lovingly rendered here. I mean, even this dude’s neck looks like cock skin. The worst part is that in one of the later issues, Angstrom actually spits into a woman’s vagina and gets her pregnant.*

With a Penis-Baby.**

*Again, this did not happen. –ed.

** Nope. What is wrong with you? –ed.

1. Open Face

I saved this little freak for last ‘cause he’s the only “lady parts!” Open Face is a villain of Savage Dragon (which also happens to be the name of one of my most favoritist comic books), and this little dude is a nightmare for penises everywhere. That’s because Open Face has a head that is essentially a vagina… with teeth!

I’ve read all the Savage Dragon books and, to my knowledge, this guy Open Face doesn’t really have a back-story as far as how he actually became a toothed-vagina-head. In fact, the only time I’ve ever even heard people refer to him as something other than Open Face is when they call him Mr. Brown. What? Ew. I don’t know why that’s gross to me but it is. Sounds… unsanitary.

But I digress. Open face has an oval head and a vertical slit down the middle which opens sideways-like and has a metric bitch-ton of teeth jammed in there along with a slimy lookin’ tongue thing. It’s super nasty and is actually a really cool design, but I don’t know anyone who read the book and didn’t laugh at him whenever he was on the page. That’s probably exactly what the creator Eric Larsen was going for, and we were all devastated to see Open Face ripped in half by an evil fool named Emperor Kurr. Bad guys killing bad guys? All the damn time in Savage Dragon. But the silver lining is that Open Face has a son! So maybe we’ll get to see more pussy-toothed madness soon enough.

In a shocking coincidence, I just discovered that Open Face’s son’s name is PussyToothFace.*

*It’s not true. I fact-checked this entire article and virtually 10% of Kemp’s claims are complete horseshit –ed.

My head (which is thankfully not covered in scrotal skin) is demanding any and all alcohol so, unfortunately, that concludes our voyage into the world of super villains and dick jokes. But stay tuned, Crude Believer, because the next installment is gonna knock the nipples off your titties! After all, l never told you what was in the other emails. Suffice to say, it shockingly sobered me up and believe me, that’s no easy task. See you then, old chaps, and remember; I’m Locke Van Kemp, and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.