Words by Rain DeGrey

Ah porn. The glamor. The sexy times. The huge heaving breasts. The massive shuddering orgasms. The firm tan flesh all twisted up in tantalizing ways. Sounds like heaven, am I right? Who wouldn't want to sign up for that! Nothing could possibly go wrong... could it?

The truth is that reality is the poor cousin to fantasy. Fantasy is fun. Nothing ever goes wrong in fantasy. Nobody ever has bad breath and they always say the right things at the right times. Reality? Reality is a little different. Many things can go wrong with reality. Without any further ado, let me pull back the curtain and reveal a list of the top eight things that people don't expect in porn but will totally happen.

1) How close the camera man will be to you
The camera is not a drone, nor is it operated by remote control. It is operated by a human. Usually a guy. A guy you don't know very well hovering very close to your thrusting naughty bits. It is the only way to get the shots needed, particularly for the under and between the legs shots. They have to get right up in there. As a performer you will basically be repeatedly scrapping your bare ass across the top of the camera man's head. And speaking of bare ass...

2) The grooming
If you are a guy, your butthole will get much more camera time than your face. Nobody is paying to see your face. It is all about your groin region baby. THAT is what the viewers want to see. And you have to keep that area extremely well groomed. Your balls and butthole can't resemble Sasquatch, as nobody wants to fap to a furry forest. In practice this means you will spend much more time squatting over a mirror staring at your sphincter as you trim down butt hair than you ever expected. Embrace the brown eye. 

3) The unreasonable and unsexy temperatures
You will always be ether too hot or too cold while shooting as you can't run heaters or air conditioning. The ambient noise that heaters and air conditioners make bleed into filming and are very distracting, so they have to be avoided. As a result, your job will be to convincingly portray sexy times as you are either dripping with sweat or so cold your nipples want to fall off.

4) Even in straight porn your dick will run into a lot of other dick
As a guy, you will have to be comfortable hanging out in very close proximity to other naked guys sporting hard-ons. If you shoot a gangbang scene that includes a DP (double penetration) your nuts WILL drag against another guy's nut sack. It is just physics. There isn't much that separates a pussy from a butthole. And if you shoot a double anal or double vaginal scene? Your dick is full on sliding against some other dude's dick while tightly mashed into an actress's hole. You better maintain wood as you are folded like sweaty origami and rubbing your cock against another guy's cock or the scene is ruined. Try to think of it as shaking hands. Inside someone's vagina.

5) Bodily fluids where you don't want them
There is a lot of DNA happening on a porn shoot. Sweat, lube, drool, cum... it is the type of situation that a forensic specialist would have a field day with. Fluids everywhere. Some of the fluids can be hot, others not so much. If you are a guy, at the very least, you can expect another guy to drip his hot sweat all over you. Worst case scenario? Some other dude can accidentally shoot his cum in your eye. It is considered extremely poor form, but it DOES happen. Bring Visine and a sense of humor to set.

6) Poop happens
Do enough anal scenes and you WILL eventually get some poop on you. It is the nature of butts doing what butts are supposed to do. Non porn people never see that part as all the poop footage gets left on the cutting room floor, leading folks to believe that porn butts are somehow miraculously poop free. They aren't. A good cleaning out will usually do the trick, but it is like playing a game of Russian Roulette. A butt is loaded and eventually it is going to go off on ya. But hey, if you can't deal with poop you really have no business getting near a butt in the first place. If you are squeamish, stay away from the ass already! Anal play takes both maturity and a sense of humor.

7) The merciless pressure to maintain wood, no matter what
No wood, no paycheck, no job. Bad mood? Car broke down? Fight with your girlfriend? Your dog just died? Your co star is a shrill chatterbox that just won't stop yammering away and drives you crazy? Doesn't matter. Your only job is to get wood, maintain wood and then cum when told to. You need to get wood immediately. You need to maintain wood through all of the starts and stops, the cuts and holds, the uncomfortable and unnatural positions, the excessive temperatures, the camera man hovering two inches from your swinging nut sack and then you need to cum when it is time for the pop shot. Can't maintain wood or pop on command? No more shoots for you. They will book someone else that CAN perform under those circumstances. Which is actually a very small group of people on the planet. Which is why you always see the same 10 guys in porn. Nobody else can operate under those conditions.

8) The ridiculous outfits and plots
You will be outfitted by the wardrobe department in clothes you would never consent to wear in real life and then they will TAKE PICTURES of you dressed as a space age rodeo cowboy and post them online for everyone to look at. Forever. You will not be able to escape the shame. And don't even get me started on how you are expected to believably portray a clown walking down the sidewalk that runs into a nun that then finds a handy nearby closet to bang in as the inevitable sexy times ensue. There is no acting class that will prep you to convincingly deliver a believable performance. You will just look like a dude with a boner in a clown outfit wiggling your eyebrows suggestively at a makeup wearing nun sporting massive implants.

The truth is that porn is fantasy. It is fun, but it is a performance. It is naked people doing their very best to entertain you, the viewer. And naked bodies being bodies, there are all sorts of things that can go epically wrong. Most of the bloopers end up getting left on the cutting room floor but now you have a bit better of an idea what exactly a porn shoot really entails.

Rain DeGrey is a veteran performer with over eight years in the industry who is blessed with both an extremely open mind and a very twisted sense of humor. When she is not being a Professional Naked Person she keeps herself busy as a writer, educator, and performer. For more Rain DeGrey, go to raindegrey.com, raindegrey.net and @raindegrey on twitter.