Words: Alice White

This article is dedicated to the guy I'm currently seeing, who also happens to hate everything I write online. We became an item despite the fact that I met him because he sent me a really arrogant email after he started following me on Twitter six months ago, where all I do is talk about past dick. I’m really no better than that woman from ABBA who dated her stalker, am I? In my defence this guy is way hotter. So what’s more important, trying not to upset that sensitive little 6'3” angel by not giving thousands of strangers an extensively detailed account of my asshole or is it more important to keep my integrity and true sense of self? Let us find out as I go through some of the differences between real anal and showbiz porn anal.

There’s less angry profanity in porn
Yeah, you’ve got your ‘fucks’ and ‘jesus’ on video, but there’s hardly ever “dickheads’ or ‘wait until I fucking get a cast made of the exact fucking dimensions of what you’re working with, and duct tape it to the front of my suspender belt you piece of shit”. The faces are also less snarly and there’s also less digging your nails into a thigh until blood gets stuck under your acrylics. You also rarely hear “I hate this” and “I changed my mind” in porn so don't be surprised when you hear it for real.

“It’s like climbing through the window when the door is open”
I sent a bunch of texts out to my male friends, half-procrastinating, half-attention seeking, “DO U LIKE ANAL, YEAH?” and this window/door analogy is one of the responses I got. Not many guys are as into it as the people crying about 'what porn is doing to teenagers' would lead you to believe. Saying that, I don’t sleep with any teenagers so who knows what they’re really up to? But a cross section of late 20s-early 30s editors and advertising creatives say they like it or are not that bothered. That’s why there’s no porn about marketing managers.

So afterwards?
As a basic rule, if you can't handle the idea of shit you shouldn't be allowed to have anal sex. “I'm going to put my dick somewhere it's not designed to go and fuck it like I'm trying to get your bowels pregnant, but if one bit of digested food gets on me I'm going to scream” really means he’s a precious misery. It's like period blood, if someone's screaming about it then work out what you like about them, because it's not the fact they're a massive wimp. Hey guys, guess what? If you’re that worried about it, enemas are used in porn, but can also use them in real life too! In porn, during this specific sex act (doesn’t “sex act” sound like a newspaper report of something someone’s done that’s been caught by a gamekeeper?) you don't see much about what’s before or after said act unless you’re getting really specific and fetishy. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it's not pretty.

Women seem to like anal much more in porn than in life
Remember what I was saying earlier about guys not all being into backdoor shenanigans? Yeah, that varied amount of opinions on a range of subjects happens in both genders. Some women don't like anal, some women do. Every time some two-dimensional wifey character makes an “only on your birthday” joke, I hate them and everyone involved in writing those words. First things first, if your lady friend doesn't like anal – don't do it. I don't like custard (actual custard) and if someone tried to make me eat it for their own pleasure I'd dump them. Or maybe she does like it and you just happen to be terrible at it. Get toys involved, buy premium lube, be better. Maybe she's up for it but not in the buffoon-like way you're behaving while you're trying to get some. Some women like it, and the more you let your juvenile peers make “she takes it up the ass” comments like it's a novelty shame while connecting it with her self-worth, the less it'll happen and certainly not at all with you. How is this difficult?

There’s always worst case scenarios, right?
Things can go wrong in all manners of sex - amateur or pro. Remember that weird time when everyone thought eBaum’s World was acceptable? You gotta be grown up, careful and professional regardless of whose ass you’re fucking. Once, I ended up nearly needing an emergency MRI because I had pins and needles in my bum cheeks and thighs for 24 hours from what turned out to be a bruised spine. When the doctors phoned in the neurosurgeon he basically kicked down the door of the examination room 20 seconds after getting the call, almost choking on his words with glee “whattttt diiiddd yyoouuu saaayyyy happpeeenned?!”

I’m not saying that was anal though… oh, look at that, I did save my internet boyfriend’s feelings.