Words by Locke Van Kemp
As a veteran of many, MANY comic conventions (just read his previous article about his worst con experiences and you'll understand), it only seemed prudent to ask our own Locke Van Kemp to give us his take on what he thinks are the sexiest cosplay costumes around. For those of you at SDCC wearing a cheap plastic viking helmet on top of a shitty blonde “80s rocker” wig from the halloween store pretending to be Thor, it's time to step up your game.
He’s a gay Canadian superhero. That’s the equivalent of a unicorn! Plus he’s got a rad skintight costume with a lightning bolt and the Canadian Maple leaf on it. Or at least it did in the 80s. I don’t read Alpha Flight. I can’t, it’s nonexistent. Someone bring back Alpha Flight! And in the meantime someone make a sweet-ass spandex Northstar cosplay cosume!
She’s a hot-ass orange skinned alien with a head of luxurious hair and little more than a micro-kini for a costume! Seriously, you can cosplay her with some old-school bronzer and 2 packs of dental floss. Plus, one of her powers is gaining the ability to speak a language by kissing a person. That’s gonna be one happy multicultural comic convention!
8. APOLLO & MIDNIGHTER
Spinning out of the book The Authority, these guys are essentially Superman & Batman archetypes (respectively) albeit adorably gay. So after they get done busting-the-holy-fuck-out-of-villains they plop down on the couch to watch Under the Dome. Apollo has a tight-as-fuck white and yellow super suit, and Midnighter looks like what would happen if Bruce Wayne got into bondage. Put ‘em together for a cosplay KNOCKOUT!
I’ll be honest: she is just a pale, bald Starfire--- BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? That’s still some major heat for a cosplay costume, and the bald thing seals the deal!
Think about it. It’s an insanely buff, half naked dude that runs around in a pair of cut-off shorts. I’m surprised that this hasn’t become a thing. Mr. Universe contest? HELL NO. Mister Hulk-i-verse 2016 looks way cooler on a sash. HULK SASH!
Nah, just shitting you. You think it would be hot, but it’s always some dude who looks like a water-head baby version of Chris Pratt. He’s strutting through the show and you might approach him from behind to ask for a picture, but as soon as he turns around you’re all, “AH! A water-head!” and then you start crying. Kids, just say no to bobo Starlord cosplay.
4. SLAVE LEIA
Oldie but a goodie! Bonus points for a gaggle of slave Leias. All just writhing around on a lifesized Jabba the Hutt statue. Even the young 80s me couldn’t have imagined I might be privy to such hedonistic debauchery. OH-HO-HOTNESS, SOLO!
3. LARA CROFT
Any version! Always scorching! Staples of the cosplay include a slightly roughed-up look from raidin’ tombs and the trademark pistols strapped into the thigh holsters. Thigh holster! Come on, that’s just double entendre at its finest.
2. SUPERMAN/WONDER WOMAN
Iconic! Breathtaking! SEXY! Seeing a couple portray these two giants of four-color-funny-books makes my day every time. Kids FLOCK to them, adults beg to take their pictures, and when they lean in to kiss--- WORLDS WILL SHAKE. Well, maybe not, but it still feels like I’m sneaking a naughty peak.
1. DAREDEVIL (masked man Netflix version)
Everyone knows that the Netflix Daredevil show is one of the greatest superhero television adaptations ever, but what makes it even sweeter is the fact that any semi-buff person can now cosplay Matt Murdock. Unlike Starlord which requires Chris Pratt’s face (and godammit, yes, I know he wears a helmet sometimes but: A. Only 2% of the time, and B. It’s not sexy when he does!)—so as I was saying —anybody with a tight bod can throw on the black outfit, tie a black scarf around their head and BAMMO, chicks and dudes are falling at their feet. It’s unisex as long as you tape dem titties back, so more than any other cosplay on here, this is a COSTUME FOR THE PEOPLE. And Daredevil is hot shit, so get to the gym, hire an old man named Stick and quit yer bitchin’.
I myself will be cosplaying as a drunk, middle-aged writer this year at every show, so be sure to come see me at a convention and marvel at my authenticity. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.