By Alice White

I wrote a tweet the other night (which I deleted soon after) about how you shouldn’t have to state if you’re a feminist and instead should opt out if you’re a moron. Now I know when I’m being a dick, it was the click-bait of feminism as in it didn’t really achieve anything and it was purely an attempt at being crowd pleasing. I believe I’m right though, I think someone who doesn’t get it is an idiot. However, like racism, the people who are still pro-bigot tend to be vocal about it anyway.

I have a follower who I’m pretty sure used to troll me - 99% of the time trolling is just someone disagreeing with you, the other 1% is death and rape threats and those people should have to make themselves known to the community. This account’s main problem is that I write and delete things late at night like a coward, so they end up being pissed when they find out that the thing they replied to has vanished. Anyways, in response to my tweet they, for some reason, asked why people were complaining about people complaining about the all-female cast of Ghostbusters. I don’t really follow anyone who’s complaining about Ghostbusters but I know it’s been a huge, noisy commotion. Almost, now bear with me here, like a publicity stunt for the film.

Paul Feig is the man behind the all-female cast thing. Actually, if you look at his resume, he’s behind a lot of women-driven movies (Bridesmaids, The Heat...). Well done him, right? Nah, not really. I mean it’s fine, but it would be just as fine with an all-male cast. And I’m not saying he’s only using women for the publicity, because that would be terrible to imply that someone is that cloying and pandering. But, imagine if I had a film company and I only employed, let’s say, blind people. And let’s say I didn’t care about their abilities, good or bad, but my choice to cast them was purely driven by the fact there’d be blind people there and everyone knows I’d employed them in a time when they’re fighting for basic control of their bodies in other outlets. It would be a good way to get media coverage but it would also be fetishy as shit, especially if I was only making the film to make a somewhat political statement. As I said though, that’s not what I’m saying he’s doing.

Feminism isn’t a fashion, it’s a global tipping point of people being sick of things like religion interfering with state decision and such. It’s about jobs and not being sexually guilted. So actually, if you think about it, a porn version of Ghostbusters would be much more of a realistic option. It’s got everything: hoses, New York loft apartments, invisible people. It would have fucking and problem solving. Add those aspects together and you get the high quality porn that I like; women having a great time, hanging out with friends, fighting ghosts. If I was in a high intensity, glass ceiling-less career such as fighting spooks, I’d definitely need to be doing some banging in order to relieve some of that supernatural stress. I'd start with romantic partners at the beginning and gradually build up to a nightly routine of pushing a stiletto through a guy’s cheek until I can feel it scraping against a tooth. Also, the thing with battling poltergeists is that you’d quickly have no respect for the finality of death. It would be sexual mayhem.

Bottom line is I haven’t even seen the original Ghostbusters because I don’t care about it and I won’t care about it any more if I’m watching a remake with people who identify as the same gender as me. Fuck it, I probably wouldn’t watch it if it was girls I went to school with. I wouldn’t even care if I was in it. Unless it was the parody porn version. In that case I’d want a pay rise.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.