Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
This one took a bit for me to put together. I read hundreds —no shit —hundreds of comic books doing research for this gig, and I have a digital file for each ‘article heading’ I stumble upon. The “hot sex” folder did not fill up quickly. Mainstream books tend to shy away from comic copulation (understandably, if not regrettably) and I don’t count “adult” comics, as that would be an obvious waste of everyone’s time (“in issue #3 of Fuck Me Real Bad there is a scene where Big Tim fucks Lil’ Lynn real bad.”) Also, stuff like Sex Criminals (an amazing book) seems too easy, as their powers are literally sex-activated. Saga has some serious sexy burn to it, but again, while there is shock value I pretty much said no to all ‘indie’ books —so that brilliant series is left out of the running as well. Instead I look towards Marvel and DC for four-color fornication because, well, frankly, finding steamy stuff in that paper jungle is no easy task. But fortunately for you, crude believers, I happened to have uncovered some real mainstream smut here, some top-tier superhero bump & grind. So grab an adult beverage of your choice, sit back in your loosest pants and prepare to be titillated in fabulous, full-color 2-D, because here is:
The Hottest Hook Ups in Comic Books
Harley Quinn and the Jokers (you heard me, plural)
This one shocked me based on the unmitigated audacity and massive donkey balls it takes to pull something like this off in one of the top two’s best-selling franchise books.
Harley Quinn originally showed up as the Joker’s sidekick and main squeeze in the Batman: the Animated Series cartoon from the 1990s. She ended up being so popular that DC actually introduced her into canon in the current Batman comic book universe. This alone is pretty amazing, as that’s only ever happened to a handful of characters to my knowledge. I mean, H.E.R.B.I.E from those old 80s Fantastic Four cartoons never had HIS own comic book (although I am aware he’s referenced in the 616 Marvel universe, nerds. But no one gives four robotic shits about him).
So it’s completely bonkers to me that in Harley Quinn Invades Comic-Con International San Diego there is essentially a gangbang scene.
You heard me.
The premise is simple: Harley has crashed the real-life SD Comic-Con in California and gets up to all kinds of loopy shenanigans. But the kicker scene is when she accidentally stumbles upon a room of Comic-Con cosplay attendees, all dressed as the Joker in various incarnations. She opens the door and says, “Here I… come?” and then proceeds to shut said door and we are treated to some sweet onomatopoeia in the form of “BOINK” and ”SQUISH”. Then we see Harley emerge, disheveled sex-hair and everything, and she says,
“Yeah, yeah, I know none of them was the real Mistah J . . . but I hadda make sure!”
And then, we get a sweet, full-panel spread of ALL the Jokers with smeared lipstick on their faces, drooling spit, with legs splayed everywhere, piled up all over the room saying shit like:
“Uh . . . can I get your number?”
“Best. Convention. Ever.”
It’s a dream cum true for cosplay attendees everywhere and, more importantly, it also marked a 155% rise in ticket sales for SD Comic-Con the following year.*
*we know we don’t have to tell you that last part is untrue, but it’s our editorial duty. –ed.
Wolverine and Domino
A brief preface: If you google “Wolverine and Domino have sex” the first listing is going to be for Domino’s Pizza. Seems inconsequential to this article but I did drunkenly order pizza afterwards, so be warned that those corporate bastards can snare you in their SEO trap . . .
X-Force has been through A LOT of incarnations. One particularly badass line-up was the “black ops” version led by that hairy, violent fuzzball himself, Wolverine (R.I.P.). This team was chosen to carry out wet-work based missions deemed too brutal for the normal squads (XMEN, XFACTOR, XDUDES.) They had no compunctions against killing, and in fact seemed to revel in the murderous aspect of their jobs. I kinda loved the shit out of it. So it went without saying that I’d pick up the 3-issue miniseries called X-Force: Sex and Violence starring Wolvie and his dangerous cohort, the incomparable and smoking hot, Domino.
The series begins with Domino bleeding and beaten and explaining to Logan that she had a run-in with the Hand, a dangerous ninja clan that Wolvie has tussled with many, many times. Before you know it, here comes the promised titular team-up, and the two begin raising all holy hell as they slice, dice, chop, stomp and blast their way through a spectacularly doomed gaggle of never-ending ninjas. Cyber ninjas, mutant ninjas, cannon-fodder ninjas and one big-ass dude named Razor-Fist, who will now need to change his moniker, as Wolverine promptly cuts his fists off.
After all the bad guys are dispatched and Domino and Wolvie are good and blood-lusted, the two fall into bed together in a cheap motel and make the beast with two backs like the filthy, murderous animals that they are. It makes the list because it’s pretty out-of-character for Marvel to put out a comic called Sex and Violence, but especially so since it stars one of their most popular mutants. The scene ends with the two lying in bed together, wiping what I can only assume is blood and semen from each other and discussing who they need to kill next.
Consequently, Domino later gives birth to an actual baby wolverine that can spit acidic-cum and has rubber dildos for claws!*
*ah-hmm. We once again debated on whether or not to say anything, but absurdity aside, this is clearly a boldfaced lie –ed.
Catwoman and Batman
There has always been an obviously flirtatious nature to the relationship between Catwoman and Batman. That’s why it makes it all the sweeter when they end up hooking up and bangin’ like animals in 2011’s New 52 relaunch of Catwoman’s solo series.
A few years back DC comics took it upon themselves to clean house with the continuity of their universe(s) and decided to reset every series back to an issue number one. Some folks liked it; some folks are whiney fan boys. There were no shits I gave, as comic book continuities are in constant flux and new ideas mean new readers and that equals more comic books. And I love comic books.
SO! Virtually every series got a ret-con in history . . . or they simply got the proverbial axe. Catwoman is a staple of the DCU, and I was as pleased as the Riddler at trivia night to learn she was receiving her own on-going series.
Now the editors musta been feeling generous for this particular relaunch, because between the end of issue one and the beginning of issue two we are privy to some serious fornication of the Bat/Cat variety! It begins with the man behind the cowl himself, Batman, showing up at Catwoman’s alter ego Selina Kyle’s place to warn her about some Gotham ne’er-do-well. Essentially Bats wants to check up on his crush and make sure the pretty kitty is safe. Selina is all, “I’m good —but I could be better, Batty,” and in the wink of a cat’s eye these two are tearing each other’s clothes off. Literally. I’m talking shredding each other’s costumes to get to the naughty bits. Bat-chest, Cat-ass. Groping and grabbing and throwing each other around. It’s comparable to a bar fight between two super hero combatants entwined in some seriously intense coitus. Hottest part? They keep the masks on! I suppose it could be so that that they don’t compromise their secret identities, but just between you and me, I believe DC knows what the fans want to see.
And that’s a Cat and Bat bang. WITH THE MASKS ON.
Then Robin shows up and blows the whole thing by asking if he can “smell some bat-fingers.” Crazy weird and off-putting; I have a feeling it’s the reason why Batman was later seen spanking the boy wonder in an alleyway in the book entitled Bat-Slaps and Boy Traps.*
*fuck it. just fuck editing this –ed.
That’s it! You can now wipe the steam off your glasses, crude believers! I usually don’t spoil the next project I’m working on, but I have to give you a hint: It’s the hottest bald ladies in comic books. That’s a helluva hint, huh? So join me back here on the multiverse’s greatest website, Wood Rocket.com! I’ll happily pour you a glass of single malt as we dive into some more seriously amazing comic book smut. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.