By Alice White

In case you didn't hear, there’s been a recent crackdown on the content allowed in porn made in the UK and everyone is fucking furious.

It appears that in Britain, the old man governing bodies have got plenty of time to crack down on videos of consensual adults rather than, you know, people getting attacked in the middle of the night (just to clarify I’m not going to post the stats getting sent to me via text from my well read and all knowledgeable rape stat friend, Jerri, just in case anyone who’s reading this is the type who’s wearing semi-soiled underwear under shorts and is waiting like a coiled spring to have a pop at feminism. I’m not interested in that. Actually, I’m not ever interested in those nonsense ‘meninism’ types unless, let’s say, I want to buy a VHS copy of WarGames). I mean we are talking about a country where you still gotta be signed off by TWO doctors as sane in order to have an abortion, rather than just be sane enough to have a child, but that’s a different matter and definitely not the fun japes you’re here for.

So this is a quick breakdown of what will no longer be enjoyed in UK porn and remember, this is all regardless of the consent of the adults involved, which is one of the best things about watching well-made filth:

Physical Restraint
I wonder if this includes mind control? Are really manipulative people banned too? Everyone is into some level of bondage I reckon, so it’s nice to know that every single person is being branded a deviant now.

Humiliation
Seriously? This could be anything. This could be having sex in a public place to having cigarettes put out on your balls. That’s right ladies and gents, this list includes censoring your feelings.

Spanking
If you wanna touch a butt, make sure it’s slow, like you’re petting a crazy dog.

Caning
Half the school girl fetish gone right there.

Aggressive Whipping
Non-aggressive whipping is what? Just laying some rope on someone?

Penetration By Any Object "Associated With Violence"
So a gun? Nobody’s fucking each other with a gun, or a grenade, a knot in a piece of rope, an orange in a sock, tear gas, broken pool cue, shields or drones.

Verbal Abuse
I find it to be verbal abuse when someone openly disagrees with me but even then, I could get off on someone tearing apart my argument in the right context. Name calling is one of my favorite parts of sex, “you idiot, you stupid idiot” is no more. RIP calling people idiots.

Water Sports
If you get stung by a jellyfish during a British shoot you are dead. The British government will let you die.

Female Ejaculation
Ok so this is a great one because the reason why it’s banned is because they can’t differentiate female ejaculation from piss and, as we learnt a second ago, you’re not allowed to pee on anyone. We, as a gender, have a rough enough time with men already thinking women can't cum at all, so debating whether or not you can make a mess or not while you do it isn’t helping. Male ejaculate is fine obviously.

Role-playing As Non-adults
All of these kinks that I’m listing have apparently been put in place to protect minors, so adults pretending to be non-adults will fuck with their heads they presume. Where does it end? Banning non-human stuff? No one pretending to be a dog? No one pretending to be a vampire? No one pretending to the clock out of Beauty and The Beast?

Facesitting
Rough blow jobs are fine though, by the way. This is what upset the most people because it was deemed to be ‘dangerous’. They got ‘dangerous’ mixed up with ‘fantastic part of love-making’.

Fisting
I reckon what happened is some old guys were sitting around a table and someone said “what about fisting?” and they misunderstood it as punching and agreed that no one should be getting punched. But then again so what? If people want to be punched, let them be punched!

Strangulation
Yes sure, don’t strangle anyone to death but really? Really? How often was that happening? And if it was, do you think that it would be cheap? I don’t know how much snuff films are to produce but I bet it’s more than the cost of a DVD. I have no idea how much a DVD costs.

And that’s that. It’s shocking, right? But this is in the UK remember, and rightfully predicted by all the local newspapers, there’s already been a mass exodus of people fleeing the Great British porn scene. Now that these rules have been put in place, what’s the point of watching stuff made on that silly little island, even if it's just out of principal? So, to my British friends joining me here on this WoodRocket website, this is the only place you need to be from now on.

This was an advert (for this website, not for abortion). Surprise!



Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.