By Alice White
I reckon that without porn, women’s fashion without pubic hair would be weird as fuck. I also fully believe in trying to make an effort in regards to what your partner likes and if you think it’s too much of a feminist issue for you, then just don’t. Everyone’s always harping on about how pubic hair has gone from 1970's show bush to completely smooth, but have you noticed how no one seems to give a shit about what's in between? I’m not even joking, when I went to research it (since I also previously didn’t give a shit), there seemed to be no one talking about that middle ground. Anywhere. At all. Porno bush or silky smooth... that's it. Originally, the plan was for this to be a highbrow think piece about the evolution of pubic hair through the ages until I thought “no, don’t do it, not a single person cares about what came after hairy”. So instead I’m going to ponder about what the future of pubes could possibly hold. Warning: If I'm somehow able to predict any of these accurately, I promise I’ll never shut up about it.
Dick Shaped Wax Jobs
Regardless of gender, nothing says you’re confident about your sexuality than shaving the shape of a dick into some hair. Sure you can do hearts, diamonds, Jack of clubs, whatever, but why don’t we try more macho stuff – ya know, like dicks, guns, mother issues. As a distinguished member of the gender with the best looking genitals, I speak from a place of deep knowledge. Putting a dick on there will just accentuate how fantastic a vagina actually is.
Just The Outer Labia
I’m puking in my mouth because of what all the negativity of the image-conscious media has done to my brain, because my first worry is about whether or not having some kind of undercarriage mustache would make my hips look big. Maybe I should stop trying to think of whether it would be flattering and just embrace it as a brave new fashion. Maybe? Probably not. It’s unlikely to become a thing because it’ll make a pussy look like you’ve peeled the sticky side of a sanitary pad off the back of a dog.
V For Vagina
Instead of a landing strip how about the polar opposite and just keep everything else. It’ll kind of look like a 1920's strong man outfit. It is also very, very loosely connected to V for Vendetta, which, as we all know, is a film all about how if you try to overthrow the government, you’ll never never EVER get laid [this portion of the article was edited by the government].
Grow everything in and then comb it over the hips and buttocks to make it look like some fluffy bikini bottoms. For some reason, a thong would be less hair but more gross.
Don’t pretend you’ve never touched yourself to the transformation of Hollow Man. Grooming might go one stage further and the new trend of 2018 will be to just take the top layer of skin and flesh off like a PETA shock image. I’ve got a slogan to try and promote it: “Ladies, make the outside of your insides look like the insides of your insides”.
Whatever comes next, you are probably going to love it. Not only because swapping things around is exciting, but also, as a girl, I know if a guy has a problem with something like pubic hair, manicures, roots or any kind of maintenance-based beauty routine, then they’re going to bang like someone who lives his life in fear. Constant fear. Screaming into the shower fear. Embrace it, even if it is the skin peeling one.
Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.