Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
This is a discussion we toss around quite a bit in the Wood Rocket offices. We love porn, we love comic books. So you can’t ask us to look at a superhero’s power-set and not question how it would relate to his or her baby-making skills. We needed a list! This would require work and careful consideration! Beer and scotch would be required STAT! Notes have been taken, heated discussions have been had, words have been spoken that can never be taken back. All this so that we can bring you, beautiful readers, a shockingly provocative list that we like to call:
The Top Ten Best Superheroes in the Sack
Kinda a no-brainer here. Dude is ripped. Looks like he takes care of himself. Seems confident but not cocky. We like imagine him yelling “By Odin’s beard, I swear to bequeath you the hammer of Thor so hard that you’ll verily believe Asgard to shake beneath thy very booty!”
She’s got the whole “all red” costume thing going on. She’s always twisting her fingers into weird shapes. She seems quiet, and you know what they say about those girls. Plus, she’s just smoking fuckin’ hot… or maybe we’re just infatuated with Elizabeth Olsen’s Age of Ultron incarnation of her.
Everyone, man and woman, everyone wants to fuck Selina Kyle. This woman oozes sex. And you can tell by the way she carries herself that she knows her way around the bedroom. Always slinking around, purring, scratching (to say nothing of the fact she has no real moral compass!). All that and a skintight catsuit? MEOW.
This goes back to the “quiet-type” philosophy. Black Bolt can’t speak without creating unimaginable destruction, so he’s gotta express himself elsewhere. We believe that place is in his Attilan bedroom, where he can spray you with his Terrigen Mist.
Well, first off, dude’s name is Dick. Secondly, he’s an acrobat by trade (limber much?). Thirdly, this dude has made sweet love to some of the most bangin’ ladies in the DC universe, and they seem to have NO complaints.
LUKE CAGE (POWER MAN)
This cat looks like he stepped off the Mr. Universe stage. Big, black, and the current leader of the Mighty Avengers, Luke looks like he was born to pound some trim. Sure, he’s married with a kid, but that just means that he fucks, right?
Honestly? Pretty damn scary to think of in bed. But undeniably an unforgettable wet and wild ride, full of laughs and screams. Bonus points for always being all up on Poison Ivy all the time, (but maybe a couple points off for the Joker infatuation).
Though currently divorced this guy at one time managed to put a ring on the X-Men’s Storm. Storm. Goddess, Mutant, Master of Weather, Ex-Queen of Wakanda, one-time member of both the Avengers and Fantastic Four, one-time leader of both the X-Men and the Morlocks. So he, um, he---you know what, I actually think we meant to go with Storm on this one….
Because people think he’s a joke. So when he gets in the sack, he overcompensates! The last thing this dude needs is one more thing about him for the JLA to make fun of, so when it’s his turn, he’s going downtown on a lady for an hour or so. The fact the he can breathe underwater helps.
One time she and Tony Stark knocked boots after Tony was bragging about his sexual prowess. They are shown lying in bed afterwards, and when Gamorra gets up and leaves, all Tony can whine is “Ow.” She sexed that fool so good that Iron Man cried.
And with that we bid you a fond adieu, crude believers! Join us next time on Wood Rocket when we look at the antithesis of this list --- and tackle THE WORST SUPERVILLAINS IN THE SACK! Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.