Words by Locke Van Kemp

More like Penis Wars, amirite? Why is there so much phallic imagery in one of pop cultures most beloved properties? Was it intentional? Subconscious? Is George Lucas a pecker-freak? (spoilers: YES!) Regardless of the why we sat down in the WoodRocket offices to discuss, because we love you, our beautiful Crude Believers. We made ourselves, nay we forced ourselves to watch the entire original, brilliant and genre-defining Star Wars Trilogy (because none of us, I repeat none of us, consider those other movies to be canon) so that we could scrutinize, analyze, and research all the instances that definitively prove:

Stars Wars Has a Lot of Dicks in It

Darth Vader is such a literal dickhead that we at WoodRocket actually created a scale model of him composed completely of dildos. (Check it out here) From A New Hope on, old jaded Anakin’s headpiece is a dome-like cockhead, plain and simple, and it sets the precedent for all bad guys in the series. Point-in-case:

Vader’s Dark Side possessed boss, the Emperor, has eyebrows (skin-brows?) that look like a ballsack! No joke. It’s like someone stapled a scrotum to his forehead and he’s constantly trying to hide it with his cloak. “Let the hate flow through you, my disciple…and someone get me a sock to wipe my forehead nuts.”

Stormtroopers are an obvious offshoot of the Vader look of course, an infinite sea of identical penis-headed minions, but it is something to note that the white version is always smaller.

The Cantina scene is a classic Star Wars moment that ranks up there with one of our absolute favorites but, man, much like in real life, there’s a lot of dicks up in that bar. The entire house band is a load of matching slick-headed pecker-domes, and the dude sitting next the werewolf-looking alien seems to have a face composed entirely of scrotal-skin. But the most outstanding use of phallic imagery has to go to Ponda Baba, a.k.a. Kenner’s Walrus Man, who appears to have, in place of teeth, two, large white cock-shafts wrapped inside his mouth.

Sticking with the bad guy theme is easy when you have the disgustingly cock-like Jabba the Hutt waiting to get his slimed-out body rubbed on by any female in a metal bikini. They coulda at least tried to make this greasy sultan look a little bit compatible with the women that he hordes, but that wouldn’t have allowed them to force Jim Henson to create a 600 pound penis puppet. And look at Jabba’s first-in-command, Bib Fortuna! He has a cock shaft growing from his head and wrapped around his neck! And remember Ool, one of Jabba’s dancers that gets dropped into the Rancor pit? Absolutely dripping with penis-tentacles.

Moving on, let’s turn our attention to a fan-favorite Star Wars side-character, the Solo chasin’ bounty hunter Boba Fett. Of course, the helmet is an easy target for attached-penisery, but let’s take a look at some of the other accessories. That backpack, man. It looks like a big dog got excited-- if you know what I mean. Red rocket sticking outta that thing like it’s raw! Moreover (and I’m using my 3/4 Kenner Fett toy for reference here) he’s got a tiny dick peeking out of the gauntlet on his arm! Is it another rocket? Grappling hook? Penis-shootin’ cock-arm? We’d have to go into to that big ol’ toothy vagina they call the Sarlacc pit to find that one out. (YES. I’ve read the Bounty Hunter tales, but it’s not canon, you guys, it’s just not canon.)

Last but not least, we look at the fact that we are not Forced (see what I did there?) to stay with the Dark Side to witness such blatant Star-Cockery. The X-Wing fighter is a dick with wings, right? It even has a penis-headed tip! Plus Lando’s Falcon co-pilot, Sullustan, looks like a circumcision gone wrong! But why don’t we turn our gaze towards the weapon most associated with the multi-billion dollar franchise:

The lightsaber! A laser-penis that grows when touched?! Brilliant! Now make people purchase replicas and dick duel with them! Genius! Neon cock fights into the night! (note to Seth: lets trademark that phrase before publication, write a book, and use it as the title. We’re printing money here.)

That’s it for this time, my skeptical space nerds! We hope this eye-shocking glimpse into your favorite star opera merely increases your already near-insane excitement regarding the phallic-filled adventure of a galaxy far, far away. And we know that you’ll search your feelings and discover what we say is true. Until next time, I’m Locke Van Kemp and may the Farce be with you.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.