Words by Seth's Beard
Yes, it's that time of year again where tens of thousands gather together in what can only described as Summer Camp for nerds. I feel I can say that seeing as how I've been before on multiple occasions, however I've never actually gone that extra mile and dressed up in full cosplay garb. If I, however, were to partake in the dress-up portion of the whole spectacle, you can sure as hell be guaranteed it wouldn't be something you've seen a thousand times already. Seeing a Spiderman outfit isn't cause for attention, seeing someone dressed up as emo Tobey McGuire from Spiderman 3, complete with douchebag street dance, now that would be photo-worthy. With that said, here is a list of some of the most provocative and risqué cosplay outfits you probably won't see at San Diego Comic Con 2016.
Fat Dave Coulier from Fuller House – On the original Full House, each of the three “dads” had their own sexy quality. Jesse was hot, Danny was obedient and Joey was HILARIOUS... I mean how else would he have gotten that gig hosting America's Funniest People? He was also a bit of a pedophile considering how much he enjoyed hanging around little kids, but that's just my opinion and I have absolutely nothing to back that up. In the new Fuller House spin-off, Jesse still has the same sexy looks, Danny looks older but his appeal only increases with age, and Joey, well Joey looks like he ate the old Joey. Way too many people watched the reboot so if you do go as fat Joey, be prepared to be constantly badgered to do terrible Bullwinkle impressions and eat lots of sugary cereal.
The Bear from The Revenant – She's already made appearances at the Oscars and the Golden Globes to name just a couple, so the tread on these tires may be wearing thin, but that doesn't mean she can't go a few more miles. Face it, this costume would suck to wear, it would be hot, and you'll probably just be mocked for being a really shitty, bare-boned Chewbacca. You'll also probably get invited to the super secret furry party with some of the Ewoks and that one dude who's been dressing like Gizmo for the last 20 years.
Sad Ben Affleck from the Batman Vs Superman Interview – The older brother of superstar actor Casey Affleck (American Pie 2), Ben has carved out a nice little career for himself as well, culminated by his role in Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman. But that wasn't his most noteworthy role of 2016, not by a long shot. No, that would be his role as sad Ben Affleck in the viral-worthy interview he and Henry Cavill did in which they were asked about the less than flattering early reviews of the box office bomb. It was a moment of sheer introspection and, well let's face it, sadness. All you would need is a a brown sweater, a deep-rooted feeling of despair and a radio blasting our Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds Of Silence on repeat and you're set.
Sexy Snowden – So there's a movie coming out in September about the notorious whistle-blower against the NSA and he's being played by Joseph Gordon Levitt. Snowden's a computer wizard so he's already appealing to 50% of the Con crowd and the fact he's living life like he's Jason Bourne appeals to the other 50%. The Levitt connection probably only appeals to me.
Guy Fierddy Krueger – While this one isn't necessarily time sensitive for 2016, it is without a doubt the sexiest mash-up you can think of. It's like when steampunk started infiltrating all our favorite sci-fi things so we suddenly had weird looking Star Trek characters and super heroes. To me the only justifiable steampunk is the Will Smith masterpiece Wild Wild West, but many will disagree. Anyways, when it comes to Guy Fieri and Freddy Krueger, the scariest part is not knowing which of the components is the more horrifying of the two. Wait a sec, sexiest SDCC cosplay ever... or greatest buddy cop movie of all time?
Transgender Gov Pat McCrory – Pat McCrory is the 74th Governor of North Carolina and a hardcore Republican. He was also at the center of the bathroom “debate” pertaining to whether or not transgender people should be able to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity. In fact, Mr. McCrory has an extensive resume regarding his hate for all gay, lesbian and transgender people. So naturally, if you wanted to make a strong political statement at Comic Con, and you wanted to do it in the least sexy way possible, why not go as Transgender Pat McCrory and see how many bathrooms you get kicked out of. On the bright side, he is the driving force behind convincing NASCAR to build their Hall of Fame in Charlotte so I guess it all evens out from a humanistic standpoint.
Slipknot – In case you've been too busy trying to wash the stank out of your eyes from Zoolander 2, there's a much-anticipated DC flick coming out early next month called Suicide Squad and there's a TON of characters in it that can easily be sexified. You have the obvious ones with Harley Quinn and Joker and the less obvious ones like Enchantress and Deadshot. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, would ever expect a Slipknot cosplay. Think about it, his powers are he's good at using ropes. He also invented an adhesive that, get this, makes ropes even stronger. He's obviously seriously into bondage. If you're female and someone dressed as Slipknot offers to take you home, turn around and run. On his own, he'd probably be pretty cool, but within the whole ensemble he's like their Hawkeye.
Juggerhead – Who you say? It's a cross between X-Men foe Juggernaut and Archie ally Jughead. He's incredibly strong and evil, but also loves naps, burgers and wearing a bejeweled crown. You're appealing to TWO different hardcore fanbases without appealing to a single female. If you really want to up the unsexiness then you can go as Jugga-Juggerhead, who is pretty much just Juggerhead in Juggalo makeup. Or you can just go as a Juggalo.
Saw Garrera – Without a doubt there's gonna be a boatload of Star Wars cosplay at SDCC this year, as there is every year. Princess Leia, baby strollers decorated to look like R2-D2, really fat people that get angry when they're constantly being confused for Jabba The Hutt... you get the picture. Now we have a whole new crop of Star Wars characters thanks to last year's The Force Awakens and this year's upcoming Rogue One. So here's an idea, name the least sexy actor in the world? That's right, it's Forest Whitaker, who also happens to be playing some guy named Saw Guerrera, who is apparently a leading member of the Onderon rebels after stepping down as President of Scotland.
RoboTrump – Trump is all the rage these days and guaranteed there will be a plethora of Trump variations meandering around Artists' Alley. From DarthTrump to BatTrump to, probably, The Trump Of Dragons, so why not go with something a little more kitschy and '80s and go with RoboTrump? FYI, SkeleTrump came a close second.