Words by Seth's Beard
The holiday season is in full swing, and supposedly, as Andy Williams sang, it's the most wonderful time of the year. We've spent almost all 365 days of 2016 opting to be either naughty or nice (or a little bit of both) and now, with a week left in the calendar year, we're rewarded with the chance to let loose, drink some eggnog and have some fun! But here's the thing – your hormones don't give a shit if you're with family or in church or sitting around with a bunch of kids. So, whether you're celebrating with a significant other or you're lighting the hanukkah candles solo, here are a variety of ways to transform everyday holiday symbols into sexually-stimulating opportunities (Note: We do not recommend you try any of these for obvious reasons).
Candy Cane – This one is the obvious one, but there's no way we could leave it off the list. It's long and it's hard and it tastes good. They even have a handle on the hand to make for easier plunging. They do tend to get sticky though so make sure you don't get it caught in your pubes cuz that would suck.
Christmas Stocking – The stockings aren't the only things hung with care. Normally used for novelty gifts, socks and cheesy holiday candy, the Christmas stocking, depending on the size of it or of your junk, can be used in a variety of sexy ways. Perhaps it could be used in a similar fashion as a Fleshlight? Perhaps it could just be a good ol' fashioned wank sock? If anything, it can be used as nothing more than a dick warmer, keeping the goods warm for when you don't feel like wearing pants, which should be, like, always.
Caption: Santa Claus is cumming... literally
Gingerbread House – Don't have TV or the Internet? Try taking advantage of this traditional delicacy in any way you want by turning it into your own personal porno! Perhaps dress up one of the gingerbread men in a faux-pizza man outfit, carrying a little cookie as if it were a pretend pizza while another gingerbread person – a slutty gingerwhore could be standing inside the door of the gingerbread house with no way of paying for said pizza. She's also a lonely gingerwhore because her sugar (cookie) daddy is away on a business trip to Chicago, and his flight got delayed by a bad snowstorm and now he's forced to stay at a Best Western. Or maybe think of something else? We don't judge here at Woodrocket. We thought about maybe substituting this with a fake Nativity Scene, but decided that may be a tad too racy.
Snowman – Nature's blow-up doll. You can make your own as big or as small as you want, dress it up how you want and go to town. This is beneficial for both men and women. For women, just take the carrot normally used for the nose and put it in a more ideal region. For men, dig a hole! Hell, maybe this is where the Christmas stocking comes into play (because no dude wants frost bite on his wiener).
Wreath – Now granted the wreath is only ideal for a very few select and “gifted” men. The shape is perfect for use as a cock ring, but you really, and we can't stress this enough, REALLY need to have the girth for this to be effective (or be a giant, which would be cool too). We're sure they sell mini-wreaths so perhaps that's more suitable for the rest of us. Bonus: wreaths also help your nads smell pine-fresh.
Christmas Crackers – Some people are really into the pain aspect of sex. You may be into being electrocuted or chocked with a cattle prod, or you may just be into being tied up and whipped. So what's wrong with a little burn mark caused by whatever the hell is inside these crackers that cause them to spark and make a loud noise when pulled apart? We're not sure exactly how, but there are definite possibilities with this one. If you have found a way, please let us know!
Dreidel - Possible beginner anal exploration? Just don't get Shin... trust us on this one.
Christmas Lights – For the more experienced of anal lovers, most Christmas lights are perfectly shaped and distanced apart to be used as anal beads. You can keep 'em plugged in to see how much your butt glows but we wouldn't recommend it.
A DVD Copy of It's A Wonderful Life – Twas the night before Christmas and all that's usually on TV is the Pope and the classic It's A Wonderful Life. You're definitely not gonna rub one out to His Holiness, so you work with what you have. Me personally, I've narrowed my solo sessions to that scene where George accepts Mary's invitation to come inside and they're both on the phone with Sam and they get super close and lock eyes and for a brief second you thought they were gonna bone. Well, in my head, they did. And it was hot as hell. She's a nasty girl. I'm ashamed of myself.
Happy and Horny Holidays to all!