Words by Seth's Beard

Well, the NFL playoffs are officially here and in full swing. The wildcard weekend is now officially out of the way and we're down to the nitty-gritty, the elite eight, if you will, of the NFL. One of these eight teams will hoist the Lombardi Trophy in less than month and bang a shit-ton of hot chicks to celebrate. If you're like me, you've probably already blown all of your regular season fantasy earnings on poor choices last week, so instead of going the normal route of picking who is going to win it all through rational, football-related logic, Why not handicap the final eight based on just how sexy they are? Because, let's be honest, it's probably just as accurate as any other system.

New England Patriots – The only true belle of the ball, you could say the Pats are the sluts of the NFL in that everyone has had a turn to try and take them down, but the truth is the Pats are more like that super hot chick in school that everyone thinks they have a chance with, but when they get the opportunity, they just aren't able to get the job done. They're just so hot that you end up blowing your wad early just at the thought of having a chance and then you have nothing left in you, so you gotta wait around politely for Bruno Mars to lip sync a bunch of songs before taking a shower and going home. Add in that Tom Brady is the dreamiest dreamboat of all the quarterbacks of the land and Coach Bill Belichick, with his trademark hoodie, is like that sexy librarian hidden behind all those librarian clothes, just waiting to be unleashed. Oh yeah, there's also the whole Rob Gronkowski/Bibi Jones scandal a few years back. 5-1

Dallas Cowboys – Ah, the land of Texas, where Tony Romo once ruled with an iron fist and a svelte but curvaceous Jessica Simpson by his side. Fast forward to today and while he may be riding off into the sunset much like John Wayne did in True Grit, there will still always been one thing that forever links America's Team with sex – Debbie Does Dallas. If you don't know the story, Debbie Benton and her gal pals needed to raise money in order to get Debbie to her cheerleading tryout with the Texas Cowgirls – looking suspiciously like the Cowboys cheerleaders. Spoiler Alert: They did. Add all this to the fact that the team's 165-year-old owner Jerry Jones once had his own scandal a couple years back, and this team is a co-favorite. 5-1

Atlanta Falcons – From a pure football perspective, this is a sexy team, probably the sexiest team left in the playoffs. Their offenselead by Matt Ryan and Julio Jones, is arousing and Vic Beasley's QB sacks are orgasmic for football fans. But I can't put them at the top and I'll tell you why. Once upon a time back in 1999, a mere 20 hours before Super Bowl XXXIII, Cornerback Eugene Robinson was busted trying to solicit a $40 BJ from an undercover cop. In perhaps the greatest example of irony in the history of sports, earlier in the day, the dude was given the Bart Starr Award, which is an award given out to a player that best exemplifies outstanding character and leadership. At the Super Bowl he got absolutely torched and the team lost. Here's the thing that bothers me, are you telling me a star player in the biggest game of the year couldn't find a girl who would be willing to polish his Super Bowl ring for free?? 8-1

Kansas City Chiefs – Like the team on both sides of the ball, they are bland. There's no controversy in the past, no crazy stories, just a bunch of football players going about doing their jobs. Doesn't mean I can't make something up though. One time back in the late sixties, Coach Andy Reid caught a mudshark while on a fishing expedition in Elliot Bay up in Washington State and proceeded to insert it into Chiefs superfan Paul Rudd. Truthfully though, Tight End Travis Kelce was on a dating show with 50 women, one from each state. Pretty sure none of them had tight ends by the season finale. 10-1

Green Bay Packers – This one is tricky. On the one hand the team comes from Green Bay, Wisconsin, where they play on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. In other words, it's cold as shit there. The fans also have a fascination with wearing large chunks of (we assume) fake cheese on their heads as a symbol of love for their State's greatest export – dairy. So far, not very appealing. At the same time the name “Packers” makes me think of a BBC movie with really petite teens. Soooo.... tie? 20-1

Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh is your typical blue collar town in a state where the motto is “You work hard, you play hard” (that may not be true – ed).  The word Steelers makes me think of two things – both being on the absolute opposite end of the spectrum... or on the same, depending on what you're into. The first being something that is hard as steel – like, oh I don't know, a wiener? The second being steal (even though the spelling is different), which makes me think of a thief. Don't know where that all fits in the grand scheme of things but either way, Ben Roethlisberger was accused numerous times of alleged sexual assault so, you know, fuck him. 25-1

Houston Texans – They're like the Dallas Cowboys' younger brother who wants so desperately to have the same kind of sexual libido as big brother, hence the use of not one but TWO state references in its name. They're not quite there yet but one time I watched a video of the Texans' cheerleaders in Puerto Rico on TMZ and it left quite the impression on me. 150-1

Seattle Seahawks – I didn't want to say anything, but Coach Pete Carroll kind of looks and acts like he watches his players shower to make sure they didn't miss any spots. Plus, Russell Wilson, their quarterback, their LEADER, preaches celibacy until marriage. I hope you never win another football game again, Wilson. 666-1