By: Layne Hunters
Sometimes a good mascot is more memorable than the product they’re representing. Especially if they're oozing with pure, unadulterated sex appeal. These mascots will make you splurge (and perhaps splooge... see what I did there? Heh heh) on buying name brands at the grocery store.
There’s a reason why the green ones always make you horny. This X-rated mascot is sexy and she knows it. Always the exhibitionist, Green was the first candy mascot to “shed her shell” for Playcandy magazine. She also broke the chocolate mould when she performed a sensual strip tease for a nationally broadcasted commercial. The slogan “melt in your mouth and not in your hand” will forever leave us in a constant state of arousal.
Land O’ Lakes Indian Maiden
Is butter sexy? Just ask Paula Deen what her lube of choice is. This Native American goddess is a classic beauty and she’s been on her knees for almost 90 years!
The Utz Girl
The Utz Girl is like a short-haired version of Zooey Deschanel. They’re both quirky, wide-eyed and probably taste salty. However, the Utz Girl may play on the softball team if you get what I’m saying, seeing as how she resembles 85 percent of the crowd at a Tegan and Sara concert.
St. Pauli Girl
Beer brands have been using sexy women to push their products since the dawning of time, but the St. Pauli Girl is a true OG. First of all, she’s wearing a beer wench dress, which is the national sexy-time outfit for every woman in Germany. Second, she can carry 3 steins of beer in EACH hand all with a smile on her face like “no big deal”. Think of what else she can do with those hands…
Four mascots in one! The Fantanas shimmied onto the scene back in 2002 as a parody girl group meant to represent the four different flavors of Fanta. Although no longer used (When was the last time you’ve even seen Fanta advertised?), their catchphrase and song “Wanna Fanta! Don’t You Wanna?” is still stuck in my head 13 years later. They're like the Spice Girls of advertising.
The Brawny Man
This includes both the old-school Brawny Man with the pornstache and the more modern Brawny Man sans ‘stache who looks like he does online Gay for Pay activities (not that there's anything wrong with that). They’re both rocking flannel and have that lumbersexual image on point.
Sun-Maid Raisins Girl
Let's be honest, raisins are not sexy. When you’re the main ingredient in a high-fiber cereal and are frequently compared to an elderly man’s balls, you’re not very high up in the hierarchy of fuckable foods. However, the Sun-Maid chick makes up for hawking dried up grapes by being the brunette bombshell that she naturally is. I’m not really into the “Little House on the Prairie” bonnet, but she makes it work.
Old School Starbucks Siren
You probably know her as the green mermaid chick with the squiggly hair who is on every corner, but back in the ‘70s (and briefly in 2006 and 2008), the coffee chain’s first siren had her breasts exposed. Tasteful nudity based on 15th-century Norse woodcuts is always fine by me.
Layne Hunters is a Boston born, certified organic, tomboy femme lesbian. When she's not creating smut for us, she's producing and writing films (of the non-humping variety). She has worked as a blogger for numerous websites, and as a copywriter for the wine and spirits industry. Yes, she can get free booze. No, she will not hook you up. Listen to her shenanigans at hourofthunder.podomatic.com