What’s that you say? Where’s my streaming smut? Why, it’s right here, Crude Believer, waiting for your filthy perusal! We have once again scoured the grimy underbelly of the ‘net for the most pertinent mainstream nude scenes and sex jobs, so grab an old TV Guide to wipe yourselves up with as Woodrocket.com dives straight-the-fuck into:

SEXFLIX: The sexiest streaming movies & shows coming to NETFLIX, HBO GO, AMAZON PRIME, & HULU in September 2016

2001 Maniacs (2005)
This horror comedy remake of the 1964 film is full of blood… and boobs! Freddy himself Robert Englund slums it up in this surprisingly fun, gory, and sorta well-written romp. If you like your titties soaked in Krueger blood, well, search no further!
(HULU – Sept 1st)

American Psycho (2000)
Naked bloody Batman! Nuff said!
(HULU – Sept 1st)

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
Salma Hayak with a titty snake! This scene will be forever burned into your mind (if it already isn’t) in this blood-soaked horror road trip starring George Clooney still sportin’ his ER haircut. If you can stomach Quentin Tarantino’s horrible acting you shall be rewarded with a fantastical titty-snake-dance.
(Hulu – Sept 1st)

Masters of Sex Season 4 (2016)
Lizzy Caplin gets down-and-dirty with her TV husband and that’s about all you need to know about this show. Lizzy is hot-as-balls and you’ll get to see her boobs. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
(Hulu – Sept 11th)

Coyote Ugly (2015)
Peter Coyote BUCK NAKED! Dat coyote ugy. JK kidding, guys, JK kidding. This is a flick about a group of hot waitress/dancers that do some sexy strip dancing at the bar they work for. Is it titty-snake-dance hot? No. But what is?
(HBO-GO – Aug 1st)

Amityville Horror (2005)
Naked bloody Deadpool! Nuff said!
(Netflix – Sept 1st)

Heaven’s Gate (1980)
An oldie, but a nudie! We have no ideas what French actress Isabella Huppert went on to do, but in this film she does IT ALL! She also walks away with the first Woodrocket Pussy-Naked award this month and for that, our privates salute her!
(Amazon– Sept 1st)

Knock Knock (2015)
Knock Knock, who’s there? Quadruple titties! Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey is chillin’ at home one night when two SUPER hotties show up unannounced at his house and seduce him. What happens next?! They both get nude. The end!
(Amazon – Sept 1st)

Lake Dead (2007)
Cliché’ cabin-the-woods flick, sure. Absolutely no name-celebs in the film, sure. Hot naked-b-movie-bump-and-grind? SURE! Not 100% who Malea Richardson is, but she is NOT afraid to get butt-naked in the woods. Not to be confused with Pussy-Naked, because that would have won an award.
(HULU– Sept 1st)

The Revenant (2016)
We haven’t seen it but Seth says someone makes fuck to a bear!
(HBO-GO – Sept 17th)

Body Of Evidence (1993)
We blame 1992’s Basic Instinct on this one, and by “blame”-- we mean, “shower with accolades”. This flick the exact opposite of the earlier mentioned Lake Dead in the fact that it’s ALL celebrity nudity up in this piece! Madonna (when she was hot!) just absolutely tits-out naked! William Defoe shows off ass and dong-tip and the fiery-redhead that is Julianne Moore takes the last of the converted Pussy-Naked awards for today. It’s pretty impossible to get this many hot, naked A-listers in one movie anymore, but alas, it was the 90’s…
(Netflix – Sept 1st)

That’s it for dicks and tits! We given you everything you need to surf the skin in September but hurry back here next month for the next installment of the one article that makes your cable bill worthwhile. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.