Your hand is killing you from flipping the channels with the remote control (a least we hope that's why it hurts). You demand some spicy programing that pushes the boundaries of good taste, all the while titillating your mind. You know to whom you must turn to for guidance. We've once again scoured the underbelly of the interwebs to find the juiciest new offerings in streaming films, shows, and mainstream smut and we're ready to dish to each one of you about our discoveries. Stand by for televised titties and digital ding-dong as we proudly present:
SEXFLIX: The sexiest streaming movies & shows coming to NETFLIX, HBO GO, AMAZON PRIME, & HULU in MARCH 2016
American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile & Beta House (2006, 2007 respectively)
We hadn’t see an American Pie film since the 90’s but in honor of both of these new Netflix debuts we made an expectation. They are… shockingly bad. But they are chock-FULL of boobs. Seriously, the titular race in The Naked Mile is worth checking out, and there’s nary a Sorority girl at Beta House that manages to keep her shirt on.
(Netflix – March 1st)
Top Gun (1986)
Looking to pleasure yourself to some sweaty, all-male volleyball? Well then, HULU says it’s time to start Playin’ With the Boys.
(HULU – March 1st)
Super Troopers (2001)
An incredibly funny film with the incredibly naked body of Maria Tornburg (wearing a sheriffs hat!) which means that HBO GO has arrested our hearts with this classic flick.
(HBO GO – March 1st)
Trading Places (1983)
An Aykroyd/Murphy team-up! One that Landis directs! A comedy tour de force that still holds up to this day. It’s also one that marks the beginnings of the resurgence in buddy/buddy cinema. AND YET, the most important part of this entire film (indeed of any film in 1983) is our collective first gaze at Jaime Lee Curtis’ breasts. HULU to the rescue, because we wore that VHS tape OUT.
(HULU – March 1st)
Road Trip II: Beer Pong (2009)
There is a group of female bartenders who go by the moniker “The Ta-Ta Girls”. Netfilx helps you confirm that they live up to the name.
(NETFLIX – March 1st)
Bachelor Party II: The Last Temptation (2008)
Do you love HUGE boobs? Do you love completely unlikeable protagonists in an unfunny sequel made by the American Pie producers? Netflix gotchu covered, boo.
(Netflix – March 25th)
Ghoulies III (1991)
We have a deep love of B-movies and there is no greater sweet spot than the years of 1985-1993. Yes, Ghoulies III is our first chance to hear the toilet-gremlins talk (cool pizza party, duuuude) but-- more importantly to this article-- it features the prerequisite to any schlocky film made in this time period: the shower scene! 80’s-as-fuck despite being distributed in ’91, these tall-haired ladies don’t know it yet, but the Ghoulies love some skin. If you’re hankering for old school horror titty attacks, HULU has made sure that your search is over.
(HULU – March 1st)
Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach (2009)
In an unfortunate coincidence, we regret to inform you that we must, for a third time, reference the American Pie films. Stiffler from that movie, plays the lead, Gary, from this movie, and we don’t really know him from anything else. Just like the Pie films there is some pretty unfunny comedy and some pretty amazing boobs.
(HULU – March 3rd)
American Psycho (2000)
Throw on some Huey Lewis and get down watching this new-to-Amazon Prime murderfest! There’s no better time to see a naked Christian Bale with a chainsaw and there’s even some pretty hardcore bangin’ and naked knockers before the blood splatter begins.
(Amazon Prime – March 1st)
The Rules Of Attraction (2002)
This is kind of like American Psycho The College Years. Any time there's a non-porn film that has a scene where a student blows her teacher - Rocky Dennis, I mean Eric Stoltz, for a better grade, it's worth watching.
(Amazon – March 1st)
That’s it for this time, crude believers, but join us back here in April when Netflix once again team up with the American Pie producers to give us more of an unfairly rationed out comedy vs boob ratio! Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already!
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.