By Locke Van Kemp
HAPPY 2016! It’s a brand new year, and we here at WoodRocket are in desperate need of a tremendously tempting treat to help us quell the horribly heinous hangover that 2016 has unfortunately ushered in. Thankfully, it’s that special time at the office when we scour the underbelly of the interwebs in search of the hottest and most nudical offerings that your favorite on-demand sites have to offer! So grab your remote and a new masturbatory device to break in for 2016, as we sleazily present:
SEXFLIX: The Sexiest Streaming Movies & Shows Cumming to NETFLIX, HBO GO, AMAZON PRIME & HULU in January 2016
SWORDFISH (2001) Netflix opens the year with this John Travolta-driven-piece-of-cinematic-trash, sporting a misused, yet all-star cast. Hugh Jackman is the computer-hack-man? Well casted! Watch as his killer physique keyboards the shit outta some binary codes. Fortunately the gods of perfect titties smile upon us as Halle Berry decides to give the boys some air in the film’s only worthwhile scene. Trust us, when her newspaper goes down, your sexual desires will go up! Happy Boob Year everyone!
(Netflix – January 1st)
SIN CITY (2005) A rarity on the list, Amazon Prime gives us a cinematic masterpiece of which we’re actually big fans of. The film sports a film noir look that perfectly encapsulates the Frank Miller comic books of the same name-- BUTT-- it also has multiple nude scenes including boobs & bottom from all-around stunner Carla Gugino, as well as the sweet-ass tah-tahs of Jamie King. And although it contains no actual nudity, that Jessica-Alba-grinding-the-pole montage is a New Year’s miracle for your private parts!
(Amazon Prime - January 16th)
THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975) Damn, Lynn Redgrave was a FOX! Don’t believe us? Tune into Hulu to see us vindicated as Ms. Redgrave, playing the world’s most famous madam – Xaviera Hollander - prances around in her skives in a scene that will have you jackin’ to the oldies!
(Hulu - January 1st)
BAD INFLUENCE (1990) An oldie but a goodie! That is a New Year’s lie! Actually, none of us bothered to re-watch this flick. We instead decided to pool our collective memories and piece together what, after our hazy construction, sounds like an awful film. But hey, who knows? A James Spader/Rob Lowe Trading Places-style 90s team-up could be a real winner! Regardless, we DID remember that a super-hottie named Lisa Zane gets pussy-naked and (in the immortal, paraphrased words of W.A.S.P.) fucks like a beast! But does she do the nasty with Spader-- or Lowe? Send us an email, we have no idea!
(HBO-Go - January 1st )
TRAINING DAY (2001) Two words: Eva Mendes! Two more: Her boobies! I didn’t know you liked to get wet, dawg! Smoke some PCP and enjoy them boo-boos, son.
(Netflix - January 4th)
THE OVERNIGHT (2015) Let’s get right down to brass tits: Judith Godreche shows off her beautiful bush and ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK’s Taylor Schilling pops her apples out of the bag in this new dark comedy hitting Netflix in January. But, in what has been dubbed “the most full-frontal male nudity in mainstream cinema” Adam Scott (PARKS & REC, KRAMPUS) and Jason Schwartzman (BIG EYES, RUSHMORE) both drop trou, pull out the goods, and show off their Johnny-hoses! Head over now so you can get a long, hard look at New York’s twin snakes this New Year!
(Netflix - January 1st)
HEARTBREAKERS (2001) When you sift through the credits, it's no surprise that this movie is actually much better than you think a Gene Hackman romantic comedy would be. Underrated acting jobs by Jason Lee, Sigourney Weaver, Ray Liotta and the aforementioned Hackman aside, the REAL unsung hero of this movie is Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fantastic cleavage, shedding the more wholesome image she built up from being on Party Of Five (although not as much of a slutty coming out party as follow Fiver Neve Campbell in Wild Things).
(Hulu – January 1st)
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2 (2014) Oh man, it really pains the entire Woodrocket office to recommend this garbage-film to anyone, even with the promise of sexy sexual sex. And yet we would be remiss to leave out Bianca Haase and Christine Bently, two incredibly beautiful women and their co-stars, their equally gorgeous tits. Do yourself a favor and use the only *real* time machine to watch this-- (i.e. the fast forward button.)
(Hulu - January 8th)
That’s all for this month, Crude Believers, but remember to join us in 30 days for a look at February’s streaming smut! In the meantime we’ll be surfing a sexy wave of television static lookin’ for sweet Valentine skin for you. Until then I’m Lock Van Kemp and-- unless you hate nudity-- I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.