By Locke Van Kemp

Welcome back crude believers! We finally have January’s sexy television of 2016 under our belt and now we’re ready to dive right straight into what our pal Oprah calls “the month of love”! Steamy, streamy and sleazy is our goal and February’s premium offerings do not disappoint! Are you a sexy sci-fi fan? Or are romantic comedies starring male strippers more your bag? What about torture porn? Everyone loves that right? Well, we’ve got all the bases covered (including home) so sit back, unbuckle your belt, and grab some private screening time, because we’re back with:

SEXFLIX: The sexiest streaming movies & shows coming to NETFLIX, HBO GO, AMAZON PRIME, & HULU in FEBRUARY

GIRLS season 2 (2014)
Amazon Prime kicks off the month with a show that you can get away with watching under the pretense of “quality television” viewing. Lena Dunham’s HBO original dramedy about a group of young women living their lives YOLO is a hit with both the critics and the fans, but we personally love it because of all the boobs, the sex, and the butt-eating. Added bonus: Kylo Ren fucking.
(Amazon Prime – February 12th)

What is there to say about this Netflix premiere other than it has got some really incesty scenes and the plot basically revolves around trying to get Buffy the Vampire Slayer to give up her anal virginity. Selma Blair, Reese Witherspoon and the aforementioned Sarah Michele Gellar are at the top of their hotness game in this one, as well as providing a rare chance to see a shirtless Ryan Phillippe in a long forgotten year when people actually gave a shit.
(Netflix – January 1st)

Who wants some penis up in this piece? Apparently Amazon Prime does! While there is no female skin to speak of, Chris Messina (the hunky Dr. Danny Castellano on The Mindy Project) whips out his pecker-flesh in a full-on nude scene while he sprints towards a shimmering pool in the moonlight. We tried the same thing at the Las Vegas Hardrock Casino fountain last week and spent the night in jail.
(Amazon Prime – February 15th)

It doesn’t really belong here but FUCK IT, Roadhouse is coming to HBO GO in February and we love Roadhouse! ROADHOUSE!
(HBO GO – February 1st)

SPECIES (1995)
Oh my sweet damn, Hulu, you’ve got Natasha Henstridge as Sil, an intensely sexual widow-maker alien babe with a haunting secret? We’re in. Lets watch her kill clueless, horny fools in the bedroom or in the hot tub or the parking garage, and lets watch her do it it all topless. This is some high quality science-fiction-murder-erotica here! A very popular sub-genre that we just made up.
(Hulu – February 1st)

This one should be called Spacies because it’s about a group of astronauts on Mars! Hulu is putting the band back together as Michael Madsen returns as Press Lenox, Henstridge is back as the sexed-up alien, and her titties reprise their roles as well!
(Hulu – February 1st)

Because Hulu knows you’re a masochistic completist! Although there is but a mere cameo by Henstridge in this one, fear not, because you get two aliens for the price of one as the trilogy concludes! That’s right, both Amelia Cooke AND Sunny Mabrey are out-of-this-world man-killers and they know how bad you miss Sil! So, to make up for it, they spend the majority of their scenes in the nude! And we can honestly say it’s of the same quality as the first two films!
(Hulu – February 1st)

It’s more man-meat than you can shake a dick at this month on HBO-GO! Channing Tatum is swinging dick-skin and showing off his shredded turd-cutter in the sequel to the mega-hit that gave Home Depot a rush on massage shower nozzles. Where there is not a ton of proper nudity in this sweaty mess, we CAN say that in our humble opinion it is probably the best sets of man-tits in cinema.
(HBO GO – February 20th)

“What?” you ask! “Why?” you ask! Just watch this newly filmed continuation of the family favorite ‘90s television staple first, and then keep your eyes on WoodRocket for a big announcement coming soon. Have mercy, indeed…
(Netflix- February 26th)

Tits, dick, blood, spit, you can see it all in Eli Roth’s follow-up to the sleeper hit film that had everyone cringing in their torture chairs. Hulu is not afraid to show a naked women exsanguinating her young victims and then bathing in a bathtub of the baby blood, so suck it up and begin your most frightening masturbation session ever!
(Hulu – February 1st)

BARE (2015)
Not gonna lie, due to lack of shits to give we only watched the trailer for this flick. BUT, the good news is it looks like it is absolutely chocked to the gills with strippers. Seems to skew a bit to the drama-side, but we added it to our Netflix queue based solely on the fact that the gorgeous Paz de la Huerta plays one of the aforementioned dancers. Plus they’ve got a helluva elevator pitch: “A young girl in Nevada becomes romantically involved with a female drifter who introduces her to a life of stripping, drugs, and metaphysical experiences.” Coooooool.
(Netflix – February 16th)

Charlie's Angels (2000)
Cameron Diaz tighty-whitey butt dance. 'Nuff said.
(Netflix – February 1st)

That is that and we are wrapped! Join us back here next month as we see what March showers have to offer (golden, perhaps?) and in the meantime, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.