By Locke Van Kemp
December! It’s unbearably cold, it’s uncomfortably hectic, and it’s fraught with otherwise never-seen relatives. Sure, there’s Christmas, but when was the last time you got a holiday gift that could make your Kris Kringle and light your Menorah? Well, now you have. So hold up your Mistletoe and give us kisses of gratitude because we proudly present a list of our picks for the steamiest & sexiest streaming movies & shows coming to Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go and Amazon Prime in December.
Spring Breakers. December kicks off with this Harmony Korine penned, weird-as-fuck James Franco vehicle about three college girls that hook up with an insane drug dealer while on vacation on---you guessed it---spring break. The aforementioned girls (Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson) not only traipse around in teeny-weeny-bikinis the entire time, they also end up having an ultra-sexy three-way in Franco’s pool.
(Hulu – December 12)
Diane Keaton’s Boobs. HBO GO has the classic comedy, Annie Hall. It features Diane Keaton at her funniest and most braless. Want to see Diane Keaton’s nipples, but prefer MILFs and GILFs to TSILFS (Twenty-Something’s I’d Like To Fuck)? You are in luck because on Amazon Prime in December, Diane’s breasts star in the barely-elderly Rom-Com, Something’s Gotta Give. But if Diane isn’t your thing, Jack Nicholson’s old man-ass also makes a cameo.
(Annie Hall on HBO GO – December 1, Something's Gotta Give on Amazon Prime – December 1)
Brokeback Mountain. If Jack’s ass is a little too old-man for your taste, HBO GO let’s you jack-it classy style when they premiere the art house indie hit Brokeback Mountain. You know the story, now see the ranch-hand on ranch-hand action. But, if bulge-gazing is not for you, cover your eyes and open them when Anne Hathway’s boobies appear.
(HBO GO – December 1)
Speaking of boobies, Hulu has the entire Friday the 13th film series in December! Does it make sense not to debut this iconic horror franchise in October? No! Of course not! Are there any incredibly sexy young lady in part two of said series that we’ve dubbed “Cheeks” thanks to her awesomely short denim cut-offs? YES! Is there an insane amount of drugs and sex that takes place over the course of the entire series (barring Jason X, which we never counted as cannon anyway)? YES! Does it always end in death? Yeah… it does. And that part is like porn for psychopaths! You’re welcome for the heads-up, psychopaths! Not a psychopath? Just enjoy the nudity!
(Hulu – December 12)
CBGB. Hate biopics but love Ron Weasley’s ass? This movie will be a toss-up then. It’s the story of the New York City club that helped nurture the punk movement. And it’s also got Justin Bartha (National Treasure: Book of Secrets) and Rupert Grint (Harry Potter: Book of Magical Secrets) showing their punk-asses. Check it out on Netflix!
(Netflix – December 1)
Six Days Seven Nights will be on Hulu. It’s like a Spring Break Wet T-Shirt Contest with one contestant, Anne Heche, and hosted by an elderly earring-wearing Harrison Ford.
(Hulu – December 1)
If you are a Clopper (See: Brony With A Boney) then there is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Season 5 on Netflix and Black Beauty on Amazon Prime.
(My Little Pony on Netflix – December 28, Black Beauty on Amazon Prime – December 30)
The Longest Ride. HBO GO has the 2015 rodeo love story (not making that up) the Longest Ride, about a strange series of events involving bull-rides, car crashes, and a box of letters. None of that is important or interesting as the fact that there is a fuck-scene between Scott Eastman and actress Britt Robertson. I have no idea who either of these people are, but they’re incredibly fit and certainly don’t mind getting straight-up nude to bump uglies in a shower. Also, I mean, he rides bulls a lot, so you might be into that.
(HBO GO – December 19)
December 5th on HBO GO: Get Hard. Probably not sexy or funny, but I had to include it based on the title alone.
(HBO GO – December 5)
Black Mama White Mama. It’s Blaxploitation meets boobsploitation and it's on Hulu in December! Starring Pam Grier at her sweatiest, bustiest, and escaping jail-iest. It’s a fun flick about black and white people working together to escape Asian people. The important thing is that there are boobs and butts of all races here. And that’s the point of the movie. We should love each other no matter the differences in skin color, because underneath it all we want the same thing; to enjoy a naked, women-in-prison, steamy-shower, jiggle-filled water fight.
(Hulu – December 1)
A Very Murray Christmas finally hits on Dec 2nd at Netflix. Is it sexy? It’s Bill Fuckin’ Murray, of course it’s sexy. And it’s got Miley Cyrus. Also sexy.
(Netflix – December 2)
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.