It’s the beginning of the month and you know what that means! It’s time to dive down deep into the interwaves and find the most nudically delicious movies, shows, and shorts available for mainstream screening. We have quite the array of filthy films in August, ranging from brief-but-coveted nudity to downright rut-&-fuck big screen softcore porn. So grab a Roku, a towel, and waterproof remote control as Woodrocket proudly resents:
SEXFLIX: The sexiest streaming movies & shows coming to NETFLIX, HBO GO, AMAZON PRIME, & HULU in August 2016
Zack and Miro Make a Porno (2008)
Kevin Smith tries to go “modern” in 2008 by doing his best Judd Apatow---and fails miserably. Luckily for us, we’re given a lingering scene of the always gorgeous Elizabeth Banks in her skives, as well as real life porn stars Katie Morgan and Lena Cheny getting straight-up nudie-boots. You can also gaze upon Jay (of Jay And Silent Bob fame) in his whitie-tighties, although we took an informal poll and literally no one wants to do that.
(NETFLIX – Aug 1st)
House of Lies seasons 4/5 (2012)
Um, it’s a Showtime Original, which means it’s ripe with blossoming nudity. At least a dozen different actresses and actors get naked, so take your pick of the episodes and sit back and enjoy a cavalcade of breasts and dongs!
(AMAZON PRIME – Aug 20th)
Final Destination 3 (2006)
It really is a shame that Netflix isn’t presenting this in the original 3-D that it was shown in, because it’s actually a pretty solid little horror film with some cool practical FX and tons of inventive “kills”. It also showcases a whole bunch of naked-nudity, which puts this flick at the top of the FD franchise in our humble opinion. There’s some beautiful ladies taking it all off for the Grim Reaper as Crystal Lowe and Chelan Simmons both strip down to their birthday suits for an extended amount of time (albeit their characters' last amounts of time). But watch out for that tanning bed scene or you’re gonna get burned…
(Netflix– Aug 17 1st)
13 Cameras (2015)
We didn’t know who Sarah Baldwin was (it turns out she’s no relation to the Brothers B), but she is a knock-out, this is her debut film, and we get to see her naked. That’s a lot of great reasons to watch this movie! Because although it’s not a great film, our motto remains: “Boobs make everything tolerable.”
(NETFLIX – Aug 3rd)
Michael Caine! Not naked! Thankfully! But we like Caine so it’s always nice to see him in a film. And what a film it is! Nudity, and nakedness, and boobies, butts, and bush! The actresses are foreign but the nudity makes us feel right at home.
(HDO-GO – Aug 1st)
We just realized that David Duchovny stars in both Kalifornia and Californication. Weird. Or is it? We also just realized that none of us care. ANNNNYYWAY... this flick showcases the talents of two iconic and well known actresses, Michelle Forbes and the ever crazy Juliette Lewis. BOTH get nude, and Forbes has the distinction of being the first on the August list to receive our coveted Pussy-Naked award. Congrats to both, but there can be only one. Bush, that is. There can only be one bush.
(AMAZON PRIME – Aug 1st)
Young & Beautiful (2013)
This is about as close to regular porn as you’re gonna get in mainstream films. There is complete nudity on the part of both sexes, there is a plethora of sex and sexual positions, including oral, doggy and cowgirl, and there is a very real feel to it all. Is it a good flick? We do not know. We fast-forwarded to all the porno scenes and we highly recommend that you do as well.
(HULU– Aug 26th)
That concludes this month’s smutty streaming TV Guide itinerary but you know we’ll damn sure be back in September with another roadmap to the televised sexual mainstream just for you, crude believers. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.