By: Layne Hunters

In my opinion if you're not into sex toys then there has to be something wrong with you, but again that's just me. I’m sure by now even the Amish have learned how to make dildos out of wood when they’re not too busy churning butter or making furniture. Regardless of whether it is or isn't your thing, we can all agree that there is such a thing as too much. The six toys listed here are for the high roller pleasure seekers. These aren’t your minimum-wage sex aids available to buy at your corner strip club’s sex shop. These are the:

SEX TOYS FOR THE ONE-PERCENT

Wooden Dildo- $2.5 Million
A 19-inch wooden dildo painted with Native American iconography was up for sale on eBay back in September for the hefty price of two-point-fucking-five-million-dollars. You know what I'd do with $2.5 million dollars? I’d buy a Bugatti Veyron and install a French tickler in the driver’s seat. Dildos feel great, but you know what doesn’t feel great? Getting fucked by 19 inches of pine and paying $2.5 million for it. As far as I’m aware, it wasn’t sold.

The Royal Pearl- $1 Million
If Queen Elizabeth has a vibrator collection, I’m sure this would be displayed with her crown jewels. The Royal Pearl contains 1000 white and pink sapphires, pearls and diamonds. Designed by Colin Burn and Nicole Gallus, the Royal Pearl has a detachable top piece that can be worn on a necklace.

Victor Phantasm 18-carat Dildo- $59,154
Designed by a Parisian design firm focusing on luxury dildos, the Victor Phantasm has 142 grams of the finest 18-carat gold and includes a removable base that could be used as a wedding ring, complete with 27 diamonds and a net weight of 1.63 carats. The fact that the Victor Phantasm sounds like an evil nemesis from Flash Gordon certainly doesn't help matters.

Sex Dolls- $25,000
It’s 2015 and we still don’t have hover boards or flying cars yet, but we do have realistic sex dolls! You can design your own doll however you want without leaving any details out, because why would you when you can have a doll that resembles your favorite porn star or that ex with the restraining order?

Lelo Inez- $15,000
Despite sounding like the name of a high-end tapas bar, the Lelo Inez is yet another pricey addition to the solid gold dildo category. The 24-carat, gold plated vibrator includes a silent mode (perfect when you want to get off while seated in first class) and a luxurious gift box. A silver version is available for $7,900 for all of you poor folks out there.

The Dream Love Chair- $6200
A Korean invention, the Dream Love Chair combines the functionality of a regular old sex chair with cutting edge technology. It's a mystery then why its beige color resembles furniture you’d expect to see at the DMV in 1975. Developed by a robotics engineer, the Dream Love Chair is a two-seat experience where the man’s chair moves backwards and forwards while the woman’s chair rotates. The chair also has a 5-gear speed system and boasts five thrusts per second. Popular at Japanese love hotels, the Dream Love Chair is yet another piece of sex tech that helps the Asian economy hump and thrive.

Layne Hunters is a Boston born, certified organic, tomboy femme lesbian. When she's not creating smut for us, she's producing and writing films (of the non-humping variety). She has worked as a blogger for numerous websites, and as a copywriter for the wine and spirits industry. Yes, she can get free booze. No, she will not hook you up. Listen to her shenanigans at hourofthunder.podomatic.com