Words: Alice White

Do you know how films and TV work? I mean really know? Basically they take the interesting bits about being on Earth and present it to you purely as entertainment. Need an example? Take the movie Top Gun. It's about a fighter pilot school - that's not real life. I mean, sure, planes are real and training to do your job is real but it's exaggerated for the point of entertainment. Starting to get it now? Also, the guy who plays Maverick isn't really a trainee pilot, he's an actor and in real life he believes in aliens. Now, let's use this logic here: threesomes in porn are much, much better and more entertaining. Threesomes in real life? Not so much.

I’d put good money on the fact that most threesomes happen just so people can tell other people that they’ve done it. That’s the one similarity between real and staged group sex isn’t it? Porn is all about having sex for the purpose of having other people watch. There’s a reason there’s so much money in it - people love that shit. One exception to threesomes-are-fun-for-a-threesomes’-sake is when it’s some deep sensual rubby stuff and you’re a narcissistic touch addict. But even then, those situations are hard to orchestrate gracefully and honestly.

Everyone’s up for it a normal amount…
No one needs convincing in porn, unless it’s stated in the tags that someone needs persuading (I.e. Job promotion, job demotion, job raise, bad at job, good at job etc...). There’s not a single person who goes along with it because they don’t want to look like a Poindexter and no one is going along with it because they're in a new relationship and haven't worked out that pretending to be cool about stuff isn't as fun as being batshit crazy jealous. There’s also not a single person in porn who’s up for it too much like someone who keeps saying lamewad things about it while doing that devil hand gesture or talking about how rad they are, which makes everyone quietly angry and embarrassed and makes me as dry as the inside of a Pringles tube.

Everyone looks good together...
There’s a high chance that a real life threesome involves a group of disorganized people of all different sizes and types. On screen, I personally think two fatties look good together, as do two skinnies (I’m being careful to use the offensive word for both) but a fat and a skinny? Get real, that would be too jarring to look at in the media but not so much in real life. To be fair, this isn’t just a porn thing. Music videos, for example, are the worst for this- you’ve got eight different women who all are identical but with different skin colors and hair styles, and they wonder why everyone’s freaking out about what they look like. Have more threesomes if for nothing else but to see everyone’s bodies are weird when put next to each other.

In real life people aren’t into incest…
Speaking of looking identical, you can’t talk about the similar looking people thing without bringing up the having sex with twins thing. It’s the sexual fantasy of someone who watched an Austin Powers film once in 2006 but hasn’t bothered to fuck anything since. The main appeal of the twin threesome stereotype is that it’s like having sex with one person who can touch you as much as two people and that’s hot right? WRONG! Two siblings in the same room as each other while they bang is gross. The kind of twins who would be happy to you obviously should know to stay away from, otherwise you have as many human instincts as a lamp.

In showbiz, no one gets bored...
Everyone is full of energy in porn. No one’s pills have come up, no one’s worried about whether you’ve got three matching champagne coupes, and no one’s worried about what day the cleaner's supposed to come – is it today? What time is it? I think there was a bit of speed in that coke. Everyone also finishes at the same time so there's no hanging around, everyone has the highs and lows together, like a beautifully orchestrated 4th of July fireworks finale, but in reality there's always one dude who blows too early and spends a majority of the threesome time trying to get back in the game like a disgraced athlete, begging the coach to give him another shot. Or, to stick to the fireworks analogy, someone who couldn't wait to set off his rocket and lit it out the sun roof immediately after leaving the store. He can watch everyone else's fireworks, but he's not joining in. In real life, I had a threesome once where I pretended I liked to watch so I could secretly check my phone.

So hopefully this all manages your expectations a little bit when it comes to threeways. Sometimes they're good, most the time they're bad. I love doing things to tell people I've done them so I'd love to say they've all been great, enlightening experiences but the truth is, most of my threesomes haven't been nearly as fun as say drinking rum out of the bottle and putting porn on a projector when you're supposed to be working from home, because in porn someone's edited out all the terrible and awkward feelings. Like this one time in Milan where a guy who owned this pretentious restaurant, tricked me and my former boyfriend into blowing each other in the bathroom. Now if anyone says “you’re Scottish, would you like some whisky? it's on the house.” I freak out like I have military PTSD...

Actually that's enough of that story, there are threesomes that shouldn't be talked about.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.