Words by Alice White

 

“That girl looks too young... NEXT!” I say while smashing down lukewarm vodka-cokes as the guy I’m with scrolls through the porno previews on some skanky website’s homepage. All these girls are mega-young looking and it’s dulling this watching-porn-together buzz. I mean, I know they’re not because I can’t imagine what would happen to a company who didn’t verify ages, but it still doesn’t appeal to me, I basically only want to watch women who are my age, I used to be into teens though, but only when I was a teen. I was watching this trash TV show the other day, while being maybe not the most not-high I’ve ever been, called Millionaire Matchmaker and the millionaire guy, who was in maybe his early 40s, was speaking to the woman in charge of setting him up. She said “I’m gonna set you up with women around 26-28,” and he said in this smug bucket of oil of a voice “yooounger”. She replies “24?” to which he responds, “I was thinking more… 18”. Everyone I’m watching it with recoils with an urrrrgh and the channel gets changed. Sure, porno teens are hot and fun, but in real life, fucking a teen is much much worse.

 

Teens don’t know what they want
I know what turns me on now, but for ages it had to go through stage after stage of not quite getting there. Like how, when you get a bit older and come to terms with how you're never going to be a success, you actually become pretty comfortable with who you are as a person as compared to when you were a teeny baby. Take fan fiction for example; Go and find some sexy-themed One Direction fan fiction and see how wild beginners' sexuality is. It’s all about someone claiming you as theirs, them fingering you and then them dying for you. When I was a teen that’s all I thought about, someone loving me so much they’d kill anyone else who looked at me and they’d die tragically. When men read those fanfics they think “wow, this is weird”, but when I read them it makes me think “this is just too raw”. I don’t want possessive-fingering-death now, if you’re jealous and possessive then you can go home and listen to me fuck someone else on speakerphone, if I love you and you die I’ll feel all the stages of grief and not just “horny”.

Teens like the ones you see in porn don’t really want to fuck you
They don’t. Sure, they want to fuck slightly-older-than-teen-boys but that’s partially programming by our patriarchal society and partly because old people can be hot... occasionally. They’ll have older man fantasies, but who doesn’t? The reality, however, is that 9 times out of 10 they’re not interested in you. Hot teenage girls are the most powerful force in the entire world. Our language is pushed forward by them, people want to buy them stuff, they’re orbs of fertile glossy hair and skin. The only way that people have managed to keep them from ruining everyones' lives and just taking everyones' stuff is to make you believe that you’re entitled to fuck one of them. You’re not. You’re not good enough. Sorry.

They’re not what teens look like
I feel like I’m flopping the back of my hands over the keyboard now because I’m well aware people can’t get past the concept of what real life women look like compared to porno women and how it’s supposedly terrible. It’s not even a feminist issue because otherwise those feminist porn companies wouldn’t have their actresses still getting made up just “more naturally” for 3 hours a day for less money. Aaaaayyyooooo! It’s entertainment, for fuck’s sake. When I want to see a woman who’s had a couple of kids get fucked by her husband when there’s laundry hung up in the background, I’ll press the link that says “amateur”. How this specially applies to teens is that some teens are hot, some are not, and some are hot but behave like gawky marionette puppets. slouching around shrugging their shoulders and trying out whether wearing odd socks is going to be a quirky thing that they do. They’re lacking elegance and grace and a sexually confident way about them that they do in the blue movies, and if they have all that - as I said - they don’t want to fuck you.

 

People won’t high five you in real life
Trying to impress your worst friend with your teen girlfriend? Women too complex for you? Feel that girls are easier to control? In my opinion, the kind of guy who goes for really young girls is probably the kind of guy who didn’t have any friends born the same year as him and would have to hang around with the younger kids. “Doesn’t he have any friends his own age?” a mother will whisper and another will whisper back “I think the dad left.”

Teenage girls are not ‘Jailbait’, you’re a creep.
God forbid I’m trying to deny anyone their right to salivate over girls young enough, in your mind, to get you sent to jail. In porn they're tricksy little temptresses, in real life you’re the one who’s responsible for your actions. “How can any man resist?” lots of them can actually, they’re all fucking powerful business women and buying boats and everyone respects them. “Did you hear the assistant manager of Walmart fucked a teenage girl in his car?” is something that doesn’t surprise you, but “Did you hear Brad Pittt fucked a teenage girl in his car?” sounds gross.

You fuck a teen, they still exist. When you watch a teen, they don’t.
I made some terrible sexual decisions when I was a teenager, mainly because I never got the message. I’d fuck older men and then demand stuff from them, like lifts to places and other attention-based chores and they’d hhhaaaate me, but this was 10 years ago and things were different then. I wasn’t as cool and sophisticated as I was in my head and you wouldn’t be able to get me out of your house if you had to go work. I can guarantee it’s a terrible idea if you want an easy life. Actually, the “Teen” section of a porn site is the ONLY way to enjoy young women. They look good, you can pretend you’re worthy enough to fuck one of them and at the end, all of you’ve got to do is click the X at the corner of your screen and delete your history.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.