Words by Alice White

As part of my inconsistently ongoing Porn Vs. Real series, this time we're going to be looking at something near and dear to all of our hearts - eating pussy. As we all know, because we're sexually mature adults and not complete idiots, pornography tends to be different from real life and that includes to going down on the ladies.

In porn, everyone seems good at it.
The reason men like to watch cunnilingus in porn is because they're imagining they're good at it, fantasizing about having someone enjoy their mouth that much. It's as simple as that. Now, before you get all defensive, real life people with low self-esteem, I'm not good at it either. I've tried. I'm lazy and vagina tastes like papaya and the smell of papayas reminds me of this body butter worn by a Russian girl I used to be friends with at school. When she and I were on holiday together I accidentally hit her in the face with her own belt when I threw it at her after finding it in her suitcase AFTER she accused me of stealing it. She chased me and kicked me really hard in the thigh. She smelt of papayas.

The noises don't match.
Ok, ok. This is the same with pretty much all sex, but particularly with oral. It's not going to sound the same as when you're getting fucked by something because that's what noises are all about. Penetration noises are not the same as the visceral low groans that come from it just feeling real nice. That's the thing about clitorises -cliterei? cluminatti?- that's what they're for. Feeling dead nice. Sure, I've screamed profanities before and I've meant it, but usually it's that gut “uuuaaaarrrrrr” sound that comes from the pits of hell near your spine, but you don't care how vulgar it sounds because that's the point. No good for porn though in the same way that people without good acting voices sound terrible in films. Like the stunt double playing herself in Quentin Tarantino's Deathproof – it's jarring.

There's no bad head in porn.
In real life, there is boring cunnilingus and there's no arguing with that. If you're a guy who's now screaming at me (or considering emailing me later like some of idiots do) something along the lines of “YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE GETTING ANY AT ALL, BITCH!” then I've hit a nerve because you're shit and someone's probably yawned while you were passionately eating them out. Remember, it's not a service to go down on someone, unless their heel is on the back of your neck telling you it is.

There's no real life dramatic congratulating.
There are moments in your life where you'll grab someone's head while it's between your legs and tip their face to yours, with your hands over their ears so they'll have to strain to hear the compliments you're about to give them. You'll look them right in the eyes and say to them “this is incredible” because it's important to you that they know. You're telling them with the same tone as a calm, collected “you can do this” but they've already done it, and they've been doing it for 20 minutes. Doesn't mean anything though, it's just a skill. For example, the best head I ever had was from this bouncer from Seattle, I texted him a few months ago and told him how great he was but that's the only thing I wanted to tell him. It wasn't an opener to anything and I didn't reply to his surprised but knowing response. It was a stand-alone achievement. I will probably never see him again in person, but when I see him announce he's engaged on Facebook in the future, I won't be sad, I'll raise a glass to him and his new bride and say to myself “here's to you and that lucky, lucky bitch.”

This is all hetero stuff. What about women on women?
Yeah this is all nonsense when you think about it. All of it. For many reasons. But especially this one. Sorry if this is one of those positive stereotyping things like all black people can dance or special needs people are always really strong. I bet that without keeping the male gaze in mind, oral between actual gold star, gay women is probably much, much better than anything you can possibly imagine. That's something that straight real and straight porn scene have in common, we'll never ever know.

So there you go, these are some of the biggest examples of how porn cunnilingus is different from real life cunnilingus. There's obviously stuff I've missed out like the vaginas are sometimes worse and the faces are sometimes uglier or sometimes these faces and vaginas are covered in cocaine, but hopefully this helps you a little on your way towards your life of painful honesty.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.