Dear Dov Charney,
We are sorry to hear about your American Apparel job loss. We don't want to bring you down though. From now on we will just refer to American Apparel as the “A-words”. It's a tough job market out there and you will need all of the positivity you can muster when applying for a new gig. Or will you?
Dov Charney, hold on to your $30 unisex mineral wash denim cap, have we got an offer for you! We here at WoodRocket.com applaud your bravery in the face of unemployment and your enthusiasm for walking around your office in your $35 cotton spandex mens underwear. What other job in America will allow you to get away with that? I'll tell you who! Us! That's who!
Your clothing made you rich. Your billboards made you notorious. Your reputation will now make you a star! A porn star! On a WoodRocket.com celebrity sex tape! This may sound familiar, but we would like to offer you the opportunity to pose unnecessarily provocatively. If you can look super young, that would be a bonus.
We don't want to sound hypocritical. I mean, we make porn for goodness' sake. It doesn't get any dirtier than us. Sure, we don't use our shoots to connect sexuality to youth. And hey, we tend to promote the message that people of all races and cultures and body types and sexual preferences can be beautiful and sexy and hip. Also, we don't think acid washed anything should come back in style. But we think we have got an offer that someone with your particular “tastes” might appreciate.
We want to put you in an adult movie. You can wear your underwear, and a $30 unisex graphic T-shirt that has a picture of a cat and some slogan about L.A. being “Purrfect”. But eventually we will need to see your nipples and genitals. Hey, we got stuff to sell! We'll throw in some spread eagle shots, some killer dialogue like, “Do you know who I am?” and “I'm so young and sexy, you should buy my socks”, and then some sex. In exchange, we will pay you in $50 giraffe print neon leggings and the opportunity that comes with celebrity sex tape stardom. Maybe one day you can be as big as Teen Mom.
Please let us know if you are interested. We anxiously await your response.
Lee Roy Myers
PS - Normally I would put my contact information here, but it's an open letter, so any old celebrity could read this and bug me about a sex tape. And I don't need that hassle. So if this interests you, just use the contact link on our website to let me know.