Words by Alice White

You lucky, lucky Americans. You get to pick who runs your country from a squad of white, middle-aged men and one middle-aged woman. This is democracy at its very best. This is what we want for other countries, this is what we’re fighting for (for them [I think?]). You are in a society where you get to choose between someone who’s either blood related to someone else who’s already been president or someone who’s been married to one. Democracy. At its absolute finest. But what if you want to choose someone not because of how much money donors have put into their campaigns, but because of something else? Something deeper? Something more personal? Something intimate? Would you vote for them based on how they fuck?

They’re not young but they’re not inexperienced. They’ve all fucked someone before, maybe not Jeb Bush, but the rest of them I’m sure. By the time a sexual scandal makes it to the press conference stage it’s become so sanitized and news friendly, but what if you heard the details of what gets them off? Imagine if Bill Clinton had said “I, an old man, like using my power to spunk on a 22-year-old intern and then systematically ruin her credibility until my semen is the only thing that anyone thinks of when they say her name.” If he’d said that in front of the world’s news we might’ve had time to think whether his Saxophone playing was quirky enough to excuse that. Here’s how I think the candidates for the 2016 presidential election fuck...

Joe Biden
Enthusiastic and weirdly asexual, he’d fuck you with learnt skills like how someone with autism learns to copy behaviors in order to make friends. He will have picked up things slightly wrong, he will have watched a not-amatuer-not-professional porno where they haven’t edited out the porn actor looking at the director to say “this good?” and Biden will have taken note. So after pumping for 7 or 8 minutes he will focus on a point on the wall and say to no one “this alright?”. It’ll be slightly off but hey, it’s Joe Biden and it’s a great story at brunch with your friends who talk about Parks and Recreation too much.

Ted Cruz/Rick Santorum
Are these different people? Because they look the same and are both pretty interchangeable in the Jezebel headlines so I’m going to lump them together too. I know I’m British and it might seem I’m ragging on the diversity in American democracy (which I am) but I understand, for leadership of our left(ish) party we once got to choose between two near identical brothers. Anyway, both these Cruz and Santorum men seem to have some bullish ideas disguised as good family values. So that’s what they fuck like, missionary and without sin. Orgasms in women are only considered because that mean babies are more likely, something to do with the muscles, so “you better enjoy this or you hate America” is something one or both have probably said. I reckon they’re the type that thinks anal is a sin because it’s what gay men do, but it’s not ungodly to not let your missus go on top once in a while. Which it certainly is.

Rick Perry
I bet he just loves getting choked out, as people with big smug, squareheads and black rimmed glasses always do. He’ll have thought about himself in thigh-high boots but has been smart enough not to put any on in front of a near bankrupt journalist pretending to be an escort for a story/actually making ends meet as an escort, who he’s paid to choke him. I bet he once bought a thin polyethylene gimp mask from eBay, but when he tried to stretch it over that cubed ham head it split just before he came and he then desperately tried to repair it with a bicycle tire repair kit but lost confidence in it and the load went unshot.

Hillary Clinton
Submissive is my bet, I bet she likes to be patronized to shit and why not? You work hard all day and sometimes all you wanna do is get home, take your shoes off and have your head patted when you give your guy a blow job. It happens! In every aspect of your life you’re composed and in control and as soon as someone else’s genitals are there you’re bowing to them like they’re your ninja mentor. Look at those businessmen who like getting their nappies changed in a squat in Brooklyn, sometimes you want to just get told you’re a bad baby. I bet if she was in a threesome she’d be in charge of the other woman though, that’s for sure.

Bernie Sanders
He seems to know about women and men’s needs, young people’s needs, old people’s needs more than the other candidates but just because he’s left doesn’t mean he’s a bleeding heart liberal. If I was on the electoral register, he’s where I’d mark my ballot but would he get my fuck vote? Absolutely not. I’d fuck Rick Perry for the choking thing, but even more so when he loses and he’s at his most sexually vulnerable. I bet Bernie’s into some outlandish stuff though; role plays, gender reversal, group sex. I bet he’s been the oldest at an orgy in student accommodation, where someone studying sociology tries to subtly controls their friends with sex games while everyone ironically wears famous president masks.

Jeb Bush
I bet he would try to finger you all the time in a sawing motion, with every stroke saying “you like that? you like that? you like that?” and his socks will still be on and he’ll be looking at you with those soft, dopey eyes and you’d be desperately trying to avoid them. He’d wince, half with embarrassment and half with excitement if you said his name while you miserably faked an orgasm to make the sawing stop. Delusional enough to believe in his own abilities, when you say “oh Jeb” he hears it as a compliment but instinctively and subconsciously knows what you think of him, like when a dog knows the rain is coming, and can’t quite put his finger on why his heart is breaking.

Donald Trump
Look at his silly hair. Look at his silly hair because that’s exactly what he wants you to do. You know when you’re thinking about North Korea and how the Kim Jong’s pretending they only get holes-in-ones and can control the weather and that shit, and we’re laughing and laughing and distracted from the fact they’re starving their people in huge concentration camps? Kim Jong-Un is to North Korea what Donald Trump’s wig is to America. You think a billionaire can’t get better hair? He’s softening himself to you, so his buffoonishness is palatable in a way that he’s still human and silly and vulnerable. And of course it also keeps him talked about in social media. Imagine if he had normal hair. Imagine how dangerous he would be perceived as. Oh shit, I was supposed to be talking about what he’s like in the sack. I bet he’s really sweaty and the sweat stinks.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.