Words by Locke Van Kemp

Drugs and booze and comic books: It’s my job. When these three wonderful subjects happen to serendipitously line-up for an article --- well, let me just say I’ve been fairly enamored with this project. I had to read a lot of books and drink a lot of adult beverages, but I’m finally ready to present you with part two of this shocking, yet thoughtful expose. So grab a drink and perhaps a smoke, and put your supey-capes on because it’s time for:

Wood Rocket’s Most Drug-Fueled Comic Book Characters Part 2

An ancient cosmic entity comes to earth to wreak havoc and chooses the form of --- wait for it--- cocaine! O-M-DEVIL, I love the ‘80s. And so did Wolverine, who appeared in a solid half of the comic books that were put on the shelves back then. In this particular scenario Wolvie fights some cannon fodder fools who have been given temporary meta-human strength thanks to some laced-up super- blow. What’s it laced with?

SHUT UP! It’s not for you and me to know.

Logan must travel to South America (love it!) where he discovers the creature known simply as: Spore! What’s Spore’s end game? Motivation? Where the hell is he from exactly?

SHUT UP! It’s neither explained nor important.

The otherworldly and beastly drug-pusher known as Spore attempts to “infect” our hairy Canadian friend with his super-coke, but Wolvie’s healing factor just totally blows through it (no pun intended…wait, that’s not true, I giggled as I wrote it because it was intended).

Spore then transforms himself into a giant cocaine monster (awesome!) but is subsequently fought and defeated.

Eh. Easy coke, easy go…

Hey, you know what would be an extremely radical team-up? This guy and Snowflame! Remember him? Snowflame? Cocaine-powered super-freak from part one of this article? They could be called Cocaine Force…or the League of Booger-Sugar…Nose Command…the Powder Boys….ENDLESS possibilities. Damn, I gotta wrap this article up and pitch this shit, ‘cause it’s a winner.

Coolest power-set initiator goes to BuzzKill! The more drinkin’ and druggin’ he does, the more powerful he gets! The problem is when he’s good and liquored-up he has a habit of accidentally killing his villains in an alcohol soaked rage!

This 4-issue mini-series was published by Dark Horse and was definitely one of my most favorite things I have read on this list. It’s a great story with gorgeous art and some killer cliffhangers. It stars Francis, a guy who used to be the superhero BuzzKill. Currently he’s in AA meetings thanks to the aforementioned drunk murder brawls, and he’s trying to make a go at being sober.

Long story short, his entire rogue gallery shows up and begins to whip the shit outta him. Some of his superhero buddies step in to keep him from getting killed to death. Francis stumbles his beaten body into a church and finds a bitch-ton of communion wine and goes to town. Drunkenly powered-up he walks back out and proceeds to bust up some baddies, but once again takes it a little too far and murderizes their faces off. The art here is at its best! Super-killer dialogue, tons o’ gore, and beautiful fight sequences rule this book.

I’m not going to spoil the ending for you because you should really grab the collected version ASAP. Spoilers: My least favorite scene is when BuzzKill can’t find any alcohol and has to eat his own diarrhea to power up!*

*-equal parts disgusting and untrue. –ed.

Freak has the best origin on the whole damn list.

Whilst being chased by Spider-Man after attempting to steal from a soup kitchen, a nameless drug addict stumbles upon the secret laboratory of the questionable scientist, Dr. Curt Connor (the Lizard!). Even though the web-head is hot on his tail, this poor guy can’t help but scrounge around the vials looking to score some smack. He mistakenly picks up a syringe filled with animal DNA fluid (what the fuck are you doing in your lab, Connors?) and injects himself believing it to be crystal meth (Why? Why would you think that about a random syringe in what is supposedly a reputable place of science, dude?). Suddenly enveloped in a cocoon of sorts, he emerges as a skinless monster, dubs himself “Freak” and begins tearing shit upside down.

The age old tale of junkie-turned-skinless beast continues as Freak battles Spidey in the streets of New York. He is shot by the cops and sent into another involuntary cocoon, emerging as a different skinless beast. Spidey and Dr. Connors finally realize this is gonna be an endless cycle and trick the Freak (who is still a junkie at heart) into believing that the doc has some sweet, tasty meth. Using this ruse they are able to corner him, encase him in a foam substance and haul him away to skinless-beast-prison. In the final panel, the web-head turns to the reader and exclaims, “Remember kids, don’t do drugs or all of your fuckin’ skin will fall off inside of a slime cocoon!”*

Words to live by, Mr. Spider-man, words to live by.

*- To my knowledge, Spider-man has never used the “F” word. –ed.

Part two! Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m drunk! Thanks for sticking with us, Crude believers, on this trip down the slippery slope of drug fueled heroes and villains! We got a dozy of a story coming up for you next time, so we’ll see you back here, same ass-time, same ass-channel! Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.