Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
Let’s make no mistake here, I am enamored with alcohol. If I was on my death bed I’d request that you please tell Single Malt that I love her. I am also no stranger to drugs, and have in fact probably lost an equal amount of grey matter to this mistress as I have to alcohol. So, compiling this list was a true labor of love for me, a meeting place – a crossroads if you will – of my most prized passions: comic books, alcohol and drugs. The only way it could have been better is if there had been a pothead, alcoholic comic book character named Dr. Pizza Cheeseburger. But I digress. Let’s get high as fuck, down a beer, and dive straight into:
Wood Rocket’s Most Drug-Fueled Comic Book Characters Part 1
“I am Snowflame! Every cell of my being burns with white-hot ecstasy.”
Actual quote from this comic book! I swear! Not putting the shit on you; this guy is the absolute BEST! Snowflame shows up in an issue of DC’s New Guardians in the year 1985 and, true to typical ‘80s fashion, he’s got a drug problem.
Well, I mean it’s only a problem if he doesn’t have drugs.
You see, Snowflame’s powers, which are flames, are powered by cocaine (say that 5 times fast). I’m not making any of this up! The more coke that ol’ Flamey does, the more powerful he becomes. So, of course, he and his drug cartel are tending crops of coca leaves in South America. Suddenly, the New Guardians show up with every intention of bustin’ the balls off this criminal organization! But, goddammit, obviously the first rule of Snowflame is “Do not attack Snowflame in his crop of cocaine.” That’s the equivalent of attacking the Punisher in his ammo armory.
Snowflame starts snortin’ the Columbian-white like a metahuman Scarface and proceeds to hand the Guardians their collective asses. He’s insane, he’s a man possessed, it’s like he’s on cocai---oh right, he is.
They eventually end up pushing him into a combustible ammo fuel shed which, good to its name, explodes---
---and KILLS Snowflame! What the fuck?! Why? That character was a goldmine, and you just offed him in one issue? If I ever get to work for DC my first order of business will be to resurrect Snowflame. Because anyone whose mission statement is “Cocaine is my God -- and I am the human instrument of its will!”* is my kinda guy.
*-holy shit, it’s true! That was an actual quote! –ed.
The breaker of the Bat! Bane is a sweet-ass addition to this list because, well let’s face it, everyone else on here is gonna be a third-stringer at best. But Bane?—Bane is a top-tier, drug-fueled super-villain. He’s the real damn deal.
Bane’s mother gave birth to him in a prison on Santa Prisca (Fictional place? Probably. Research? Ugh.), and, in spite of his obviously less-than-desirable circumstances, Bane is a smart kid and exceptionally strong. The guards take note of this and decide to enter him into test trials for a drug their scientists have concocted called Venom. It almost kills Bane, but he survives and is given superhuman strength to accompany his already sizeable intelligence. He uses all this shiz-nit to stage a daring, never-been-done-before breakout and ends up in Gotham City.
Equipped with a new cyber-suit that continually pumps the Venom drug into his body Bane tracks down Batman, figures out his secret identity, breaks into his house and confronts him. Now, ol’ Bats has already been out on a particularly exhaustive mission at this point (I’m not making excuses for him, I swear, he had a super rough night), and Bane gets the upper hand pretty quickly. He grabs Bats, lifts him up, and brings him down on his venom pumped knee. CRACK- CRACK, THAT’S YOUR BACK, BAT!
Bane not only makes Bruce a paraplegic, he also forces him to give up the bat-mantle (holy wheelchairs, Batman!). The guy who takes over for Bruce uses a new Bat-Armor and some slick bat-razors to sever the tubes that feed Bane his Venom drip and, essentially, Bane just goes into withdrawal. It’s a strangely sad scene to witness Bane begging the new Batman to kill him, quite honestly, but a definitive, “Hey Kids? Drugs are bad.” statement from DC comics.
Bane later joined Nancy Reagan in the D.A.R.E. campaign and was heard to say, “I’m high on life now, brother. I spend my time playing bongo’s at Bojangles. They call me Bingo Banejangles the Bongo Man.”*
*-I don’t even understand that one enough to be mad about it –ed.
The brainchild of Ziggy Marley (Bob’s boy, of course), this comic book dropped on 4/20 just to make sure it arrived in proper fashion. It’s actually not too bad for as absurd of a premise as it is, but it ain’t gonna win any Eisners either.
MarijuanaMan is an alien from beyond that arrives on our planet looking like a normal earthman but with THC instead of DNA (whaaaat?). He’s just a regular-looking dude until he smokes up (or even gets a contact high), and when he’s good and loopy, he develops superpowers. Using these powers he fights a steroid-laden biker man named Cash Money who was sent by the fat cats in the government to destroy marijuana fields (heavy-handed, I know). Now, and this comes as no surprise to anyone, the book is extremely pro-weed, but it’s also not afraid to make Marijuana Man a lackluster and unmotivated slacker. He’s just sorta getting shit done if it’s put right in front of him, and even then he’s like, “Ugh, okay…”
In the end he defeats the dreaded Cash Money by eating a shit-load of those Little Debbie Cakes with the chocolate frosting on them and then passes out on Cash and suffocates his body to death.*
An uplifting tale for potheads everywhere; I really got a kick out of the book… and as a special added bonus, the last page is actually a giant rolling paper that you can tear out and roll yer own!**
*-we doubled checked because it could be true. It’s not. –ed.
**-sigh. nope. two lies in one review, new record. –still ed.
Well folks, we’ve wrapped up a drug-soaked part one, but there’s still an alcohol-infused part two to come! Join me next time, Crude Believers, on the greatest website in the multiverse, WoodRocket.com. Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.