Words by Alice White

Everyone on the Internet has depression. Comedians have always had depression, but now we get to hear about it in an unstructured offstage format 24 hours a day. And it’s not just them, it’s everyone; Women in their 20s, teenagers, men... That’s all of them. All four types of people on Earth: Men, teens, women in their 20s and comedians. 

I’m just scrolling past it like I’m skipping through hell- oh look, what’s this, another joke about how someone’s lying on the floor, lalala, maybe they’re just attention seeking, la la la la, even though when I myself make jokes it’s to try and alleviate enormous amounts of misery. Lalalala ok maybe they are actually sick la la oh god this is horrible, I hope they’re ok. Lala lala what can I do about it though, I’m so unbelievably shitty. I hope someone saves them. Lalala I’m just gonna keep sharing articles I find with that one other friend who has depression but never actually does anything about it because I think that mental health treatment is a clique I’m not included in. Lalalalala la la I can’t sit with the cool kids yet who are getting treatment and taking anti-depressants. Maybe I could work up to that La la-la-la la. It’s taken me 8 weeks to write this paragraph. 

I’m absolutely not going to talk to you about my personal depression history because I don’t want to. I will though give a big shout out to Dr Wilson at Stockbridge Medical Centre in Edinburgh, Scotland who put me on a 35 week waiting list for help and told me my top was too clean to be telling the truth about how I wanted to kill myself. You’re doing good work over there, buddy, keep being you! But anyway, what I am going to talk to you about it how you’ve got all this extra depression down time which is perfect to spend watching plenty of porn - you probably already have been - and this is the best way to optimize that. 

Get motivated to watch porn!
So you’ve been awake since 9 but you’re still in bed at 11 in the ‘loungewear’ you had on yesterday. You need to pee but you can’t really be bothered so you kinda end up half playing with yourself but it’s lazy and you hate it and it’s never going to compensate for taking an actual piss. Get up, you have so much porn to watch. Sweet delicious porn. You can summon your wildest dreams at your fingertips. No, don’t double check your menstrual cycle app for no reason again. Get up. Go and get ready to watch some porn. Go get your laptop, it’s probably about 4 feet maximum away from the bed. Make sure the charger’s in. Make sure you’re all set up. This is gonna be so good. You’re going to stay in bed all day and do this. No one can see you, and that’s the most important thing.

Get stuck in after you’ve had a shower
Firstly though, it wouldn’t hurt to have a shower. Go and have a shower right now and then you can get back to watching anything you want. Two dicks in the ass. Gaping. Wait, what’s gaping calling now? Goatse.cx? Doesn’t matter, if you want it you can have it. Lovely, lovely porn. But wouldn’t it be nicer if you washed your body and if your hair smelled nice so you can really appreciate how lucky you are to have all this time to yourself? Just you and porn. If you go have a shower you can watch something really rotten like something with “daddy” in the title. You deserve this. Go, it’ll only take 10 minutes. 

Set the scene
You’re looking gorgeous now but wait, not so fast, don’t get back into bed. Why don’t you make the bed like you’re inviting someone else over. Like someone you still love. Not someone who you invite round late at night because you think that the human sensation ‘touch’ is the same as ‘feeling something’. No. Make your bed like you’re inviting round a fancy date. This time though, the fancy date is hot, hot fucking porn. Fucking hot fucking porn which you’re going to schmooze the shit out of. Something new and fresh. Something like interracial stuff but where the woman is black - you deserve this. 

Look at some porn while researching where to get help
Ok so you’re lying on TOP OF the bed, all clean and your bed is made and you’re feeling good. Open a tab and type in your favorite porn site, WoodRocket probably, and get ready to treat yourself to a whole afternoon of watching tits. Remember when you used to be in interested in stuff? That’s what normality is like and you’re going to get that again some day but right now remember you’re about to get your steaming hot porn prize. Oh, hang on, but I tell you what’ll also be fun, open up another tab and type in “Where to get help for my depression”.

Watch a porn video when you come back from the doctor
You’ve done it! You’re back from the doctors (I hope they were good) and you’re now ready to watch all the porn you want, all the hardest shit you can find. You’re going to put it on and it’s going to be weird how shocked you’re going to be all of a sudden by how raw it all is. “Jesus Christ, two dicks in the ass?! What was I thinking putting this on?!” You’ll say to yourself. Hey, you’re starting to feel things again, you’re going to see everything again for the first time, start with a black and white kissing gif and work your way up. You’ve got all the time in the world. Porn is going to be so great now, so fresh and so new. And so will you. Welcome back.
 

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.