Words by Seth's Beard
In case you haven't been paying attention, the Summer Olympics in Rio start tonight and, again, if you haven't been keeping close watch, they're going to be an absolutely disaster. Body parts are washing up on beaches near the beach volleyball courts, athletes are being robbed at gunpoint, the water is polluted, the country has run out of money and, oh yeah, there's that pesky Zika virus that seems to be a thing. Athletes are pulling out left and right, and not the good kind of pulling out. Tickets aren't selling and interest is waining... you get the point – it's not looking so good. But fear not my WoodRocket compatriots, not all hope is lost. There is still time to right this ship, or at least prevent future disasters and there's only one surefire way how – to make these Olympics the sexiest Olympics ever. Sure it'll be hard to top the great Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding full-contact Figure Skating slugfest of '94, but these suggestions will at least bring back some of the hotness that Rio has lost.
Make all of the female swimmers race in two-piece bikinis
We've grown accustomed to ogling these svelte aquatic angels in very unappealing one-piece suits that you would normally see your grandmother wearing, and once they're underwater, it's essentially like watching scrambled porn. So why not have the ladies wear even skimpier bikinis? It seems only fair since the guys pretty much have to wear speedos and look what sex symbols Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps have become? Imagine the possibility of boobs popping out in the middle of the 200m breaststroke finals? Imagine the amount of jiggling during the backstroke? Half the fun would be to see which of the ladies would sacrifice their olympic dream in order to salvage their modesty. Sounds like an instant hit to me.
Make Beach Volleyball the most important event at the games
The ladies of beach volleyball already wear scantly clad outfits, so why not sell it to the horny teens by focusing on it? Let's be honest, these ladies don't HAVE to wear these outfits, but there's something about being on a beach that just brings out the sex appeal in a person. Imagine all of the athlete profiles filled with nothing but video highlights of them in action?
Have the opening ceremony rival Carnival for sexiest global event
While most Olympic opening ceremonies certainly dazzle in their own way, most of the time does anyone really know what the hell is going on? Usually the performances center on the culture of the host country so if you don't know much about the location, the artistically weird interpretations make even less sense. But what we do know about Rio and Brazil is that outlandish and skimpy clothing are the norm and they pride themselves on their openness and sexuality (I mean it's also widely known how corrupt and dangerous those areas are as well, but that's not sexy and hence will be ignored). Let's find a way to incorporate THAT side of Brazil into the opening ceremonies.
I think you know where i'm going with this one.
Make every female gymnast be at least 18 years of age
Because no one wants to gawk lasciviously at flexible 14-year-olds. We've all done it and we all know how creepy it is.
Replace greco roman wrestling with mud or jell-o wrestling
When most people think of wrestling they think of The Rock rock-bottoming someone through a table while someone else climbs a latter in order to grab a belt. No one outside of the Greco-Roman society watches Greco-Roman wrestling because; a) no one really knows what the hell the rules are and b) most of the time it looks like two drunk people sloppily fighting over the last slutty girl at the bar. They can't punch or kick or any of the stuff that, you know, actually stirs up excitement. Two people push each other for about 30 seconds, then they end up on the ground and it's... it's just not entertaining. So let's just replace it with mud wrestling or jell-o wrestling! The best part is there doesn't even have to be a winner or a loser, or, if there is, it can just be decided by crowd applause. Ok, it's not perfect, but it's something.
Put a stripper pole in the middle of the pool for all synchronized swimming events and require all performances be done to the tune of Ginuwine's “Pony”
That song is probably one of the most overused songs in strip clubs, but it's still ideal. Synchronized swimming is always a fun event to watch, but, like swimming, most of the action happens underwater. Every now and then a bunch of legs stick out like a Rockettes show, but for the most part it's just not sexy. Why not put a stripper pole in the middle of the pool and enforce that it be a part of the routine, girls AND guys (I can't be sexist here).
Male Stripper Pole Vault
Since we're already riding the stripper pole wave, why not introduce stripper pole vault? Instead of having to run and jump over a bar using a pole, make the male athletes have to climb a pole to get over the bar. I don't know how the winners would be decided, but as we've learned so far, this isn't about winners and losers.
Make all women go bra-less in the trampoline event
I bet you didn't even know that Trampolining was an actual event at the Olympics (We aim to educate as well as entertain), but it's actually been a part of the events since 2000. Girls jumping on trampolines became a staple in the American home the moment Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla incorporated it as a regular feature on the immensely popular The Man Show way back in 1999, so it comes as no surprise that it took less than a year for it to become a part of the biggest global sporting event in the world outside of the World Cup. The difference between the two entities is that at the Olympics, the competitors do all kinds of crazy stunts, which would make the bra-less aspect that much more impressive to watch. There was once talk of a synchronized trampolining event, which, of course, would just absolutely blow our minds. Just an FYI, the reigning men's trampoline champion's name is Dong Dong – I just thought you should all be aware of that.
Add a seductive dance to the beginning of every dive
Imagine Chippendale dancers doing their thing on a wobbly plank followed by an Inward Somersault ½ Twist.
Replace boxing with foxy boxing
And finally, even though boxing has lost some of its blood-thirsty appeal thanks to the massive popularity of MMA, there is still a loyal audience to the sweet science. Problem is boxing in the Olympics isn't nearly as exciting as boxing outside of the Olympics. For one thing, they wear padded helmets - what's up with trying to protect brains? Secondly, Olympic boxing relies on some weird point system where three judges have to agree on what punches land. In other words, no one really gets hurt and no one knows how the hell anyone wins. Boxing is all about punching and hurting and none of that seems to exist here. It's like bringing a driver to a mini-golf course. So I propose we scrap traditional boxing and replace it with Foxy Boxing. True, more often than not there is no winner, at least not in the ring (We're all winners if this ever does happen), but there would probably be more pain inflicted (one time at a strip club in Rhode Island, a stripper had her right implant ruptured in a fight – true story).