Words by Rain DeGrey

What no one tells you about chocolate syrup is just how much it burns when it gets into your eyes. In that aspect, it's rather like cum. The sugar content of the syrup burns like acid and reduces you to partial blindness as you flail helplessly about as if you have had one too many tequila shots. Again, just like cum.

I found this little factoid out the hard way--in the middle of a giant wading pool full to the brim with gallons and gallons of sticky chocolate syrup. The wading pool was resting on a large nest of tarps in the center of a huge two-story nightclub and my almost naked ass was in the wading pool learning just how little traction and grip one gets off of chocolate syrup.

It was my good friend Cassie who talked me into hanging out in a pool full of chocolate syrup in a nightclub. Her boyfriend Kevin, entrepreneur that he was, had decided that there was an untapped and thriving market for nightclub syrup wrestling out there, and he was just the man to fill that void and reap the profits.

Full of enthusiasm and a Costco card, Kevin stocked up on tarps and Hershey's syrup in bulk, leaving Cassie to recruit the potential wrestlers. I am an open-minded sort of person and will try just about anything at least once. If not twice. When Cassie asked me if I wanted to wrestle random girls in syrup while dressed in a bikini at 1 am, I leapt at the chance. Because, you never know. There could be a world champion wrestler in me just waiting for the chance to be freed.

Cassie is the sort of person that seems to know everyone, and it didn't take her long to line up a full bill of bikini clad hopefuls ready to give it their all. Some of them even took their chance to shine so seriously they brought a hair and makeup person along to coordinate the outfit, eyeshadow and hair. Backstage was humming with nervous anticipation and Road Warrior style faux mohawks and lots of side eye cleavage checks.

As for me? Backstage brought out a fiercely competitive animal. My normally introverted self suddenly revealed a burning urge to WIN. It did not matter that most of my fellow competitors had a good 10 to 30 pounds on my skinny ass, I was going to win tonight! I had the fire in my belly. I could almost taste the victory on my tongue--and it tasted just like chocolate syrup.

There was no real planning or weight classes, we were just matched up with whoever was nearby and seemed like a likely fit. I didn't have an outfit or theme or some grand entrance, unlike the ladies that had brought in makeup artists, so I was slotted towards the back of the bill. My envy for the professionally done hair vanished like smoke as I saw the front liners come straggling back in after 2 minutes in the pit. Their coordinated eyeshadow and carefully done fauxhawks would be dissolved under a layer of chocolate slime that was slowly starting to cover the whole club. With only one jury-rigged shower, a severe shortage of towels and a line of ladies waiting their turn to hose off, the entire backstage was turning into a sticky, stinky pit of chocolate chaos.

Suddenly, it was my turn. Go time!! I grabbed the hand of my partner and we lurched into the swimming pool. The moment my foot hit the bottom of the pool, I realized that there would be no real wrestling here tonight. The chocolate syrup was bitterly cold and sucks your breath away, there is no traction to be had and the second the syrup gets into your eyes you basically become blind. And not just any kind of blindness either. It burns. Your eyeballs strongly object to the sugar and swell shut while watering profusely.

Left blind, freezing and unable to even sit up without falling over, I did the only thing I could think to do…”accidentally” lose my bikini top. It wasn't hard to do and I can't believe that nobody else had thought of it. Or maybe they were just too modest. I am blessed with many charms (these delightful full C cups among them) but modesty is not one of them.

The crowd roared, which only encouraged me. Clad in only a coating of chocolate, the briefest of bikini bottoms and heaping doses of courage, I quickly realized that crowd wrangling was going to be my path to victory. Once we hit the pit, we all looked exactly the same. The only way to win was to stand out, and my freed breasts were standing out all over the place. My “match” was over all too quickly, as it was just me and my opponent trying not to fall over and drown in syrup, but the second it was called I jumped out of the pit in a flurry of shit talking.

Standing basically buckass naked and clad in the courage of chocolate, I became a Tasmanian Devil of bouncing breasts and enthusiastic fist bumps, loudly proclaiming that not only was I by far the best wrestler of the night, but that all the other wrestlers were not even worthy of being in the same room with me. And what do you know? It actually worked! I was crowned the chocolate syrup wrestling champion by unanimous crowd decision and given the trophy, which I still have and treasure to this very day.

Chocolate syrup

And as for Kevin? The man who would be the syrup wrestling nightclub king? He had not thought out how one drains and disposes of an entire swimming pool of chocolate and lost bikini tops after it was turned into human soup. There was a chain of buckets and hoses and people looking for storm grates to quietly dump the contents of a pool down without the city noticing. Chocolate was on EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything, and it got stickier and dirtier as daybreak neared. The entire block around the nightclub smelled like melted chocolate bar for a good week after the event and Kevin never found another place that wanted to host his visionary syrup wrestling concept. Not to be deterred, he went on to his next money making idea. I hope for all nightclubs’ sakes, it was a less sticky concept than this one...

Rain DeGrey is a veteran performer with over eight years in the industry who is blessed with both an extremely open mind and a very twisted sense of humor. When she is not being a Professional Naked Person she keeps herself busy as a writer, educator, and performer. For more Rain DeGrey, go to raindegrey.com, raindegrey.net and @raindegrey on twitter.