Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
Part two, you say? Hell yes! We’re blasting off into the realm of women with balls of steel, but no upstairs hair! It sounds weird, and it IS, and that’s just the way you like it. Please sit back, crack an adult beverage of your choice and let us gently lead you through an army of bad-bitches kicking the living shit-hell out of everyone in sight. Without further ado we proudly (and sans hair) present:
Wood Rocket’s Hottest Bald Ladies in Comic Books Part 2
You got some cash? Jinx will kill a motherfucker for you. Originally part of a villainous line-up of DC characters called the Fearsome Five, Jinx is an elemental sorceress with a clean dome, bare feet and enough power to create a mountainous body count. Jinx draws her powers, which consist of everything from force blasts to earth tremors to freaked-up illusions, by “convening directly with the earth” (hence them bare-ass feet).
Sure, she hangs with the Fearsome Five, but this lady will honestly go toe-to-toe with any fool provided the right amount of cheddar is offered. She has busted up the likes of Wonder Woman, the Outsiders and even the big, blue boy scout himself, Superman. She once teamed up with Dr. Sivana, and they robbed Lex Luthor! Lex Luthor? That’s a seriously heavy nutsack you got there, lady.
She makes the list for all those reasons and for the fact that her “costume” is a white, two-piece loincloth bikini with some bling-bling golden jewelry. Hot stuff intend. Couple that with the fact that she once had a bestial three-way with Rocket Raccoon and Howard the duck and you can see why she’s definitely top 5 material.*
*-gross, untrue and two completely separate comic book universes. –ed.
She’s an Amazon! She’s Hippolyta's right hand (wo)man! She tried to kill Wonder Woman when she was just a tiny baby!
Okay, that last part is not so cool, I suppose…
Alkyone was the leader of Hippolyta’s royal guard and faithfully served by her side until the day Hippolyta used some crazy magic clay to make a baby Wonder Woman. Alkyone believed that the baby was destined to be “the Dragon” that would tear their Amazon island apart, so she was determined to exterminate the wee lass at any cost.
Again, that’s not so cool, but Alkyone makes the list because she is a massive heavyweight asskicker that has lead entire armies into battle and conversely fought entire armies in battle, singlehandedl… and WON. Even when she was imprisoned for trying to off the Queen’s kid, it only lasted until the island paradise was under attack. Then, when the chips were down, the first thing that everyone agreed on was that they should probably let Alkyone out of the hoosegow because that mean-mother is a first-class scrapper. And they were right! The minute they opened that door and gave Alkyone a sword she absolutely ripped the invaders a brand new asshole. And all was good… until she tried to kill Wonder Woman again. BUT JEEZ! Let’s not get hung up on the small stuff. She’s a bald badass, and she deserves to be on the list even though she once ate an entire bag of candy, shit a Skittle brick and gave it to her imprisoned enemies for breakfast, inviting them to “taste the rainbow.”*
*-not even worth disputing –ed.
Another daughter of an evil mastermind super-genius! And one that also shares her father’s trademark dome of sheen! Alexis is the spawn of Superman’s numero uno arch-nemesis: Lex “I hate Superman so much that I love him” Luthor and she appear in a recent issue of Grant Morrison’s magnum opus Multiversity. Each issue of Multiversity is set in an alternate world of the DC universe, and this particular tale takes place on Earth-16 or its nickname, Earth-Me. The heroes here are the children of the superheroes of old, and this world exists on an accelerated timeline in which virtually all super-crime has been extinguished thanks to an army of Superman clone-bots (Whaddya mean, “that’s crazy”? It’s Morrison, come on, that’s the least crazy plot he’s ever penned!)
Alexis is dating the current Batman, Bruce Wayne’s son, Damien Wayne, and she is as intelligent and cunning as her smarty-pants father. She’s lovable, and you feel a twinge of sympathy for her when she spouts off such gems as, “Alexis Luthor is never wrong, darling. When I was growing up I was punished for being wrong.” Regardless of this fact most people are still having a hard time getting past her dear old dad’s past transgressions (he has killed Superman in this timeline , a diabolical feat which also took his own life) and it turns out she’s been blacklisted from nearly every function involving the current group of heroes. Here’s where it gets juicy! There’s a highfalutin, mega-bash, end-all-be-all party that ALL of the heroes are invited to. It’s a veritable who’s-who of powers… and guess who ain’t on the list? That’s right, our girl Alexis Luthor. Batman actually tries to be as good of a boyfriend as a Batman can be about it and says he won’t go without her, but no one puts Alexis in the corner. She finds another jilted super-powered kid, and together they hack the army of Superman clone-bots and attack the entire city! What happens next?! WHAT HAPPENS?!
I honestly don’t know, that issue has yet to come out (I mean, not whilst I write this at least). But you can bet your sweet nipples that Alexis earned her place on this list just as sure as you can bet that she once shaved Batman’s pubes into the shape of a winged creature and then shoved a Ritz cracker up his ass because, she said, “that lil’ bat was hungry.”*
*-holy shit, what? I don’t even…–ed.
WE DID IT! The second round in the battle of feminine hairless domes is over! But fear not, crude believers, there’s SO much more to come, and it’s all amazingly depraved and completely debauchery-laden. I hope you’ll join me back here soon for more bizarre, freaky fun and exquisite excitement on the greatest website in the multiverse, Woodrocket.com! Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.