Words by Locke Van Kemp
Art by Rip Branagan
MAKE IT WEIRD.
It’s an unofficial mantra around there parts here at Wood Rocket! As I drunkenly peruse long box after long box in search of new material, I compile a metric shit-ton of strange and detailed notes in hopes I will strike some bizarre 2-D, four-color gold in the process. So when I recently noticed a trend regarding follicly-challenged women in spandex I knew I was on to something. They were legion, they took no shit, and they had no hair! So let’s not dally, crude believers, I’ll cut the bluster as we proudly present:
Wood Rocket’s Hottest Bald Ladies in Comic Books Part 1
There’s a distinct possibility you’ve never heard of this badass, but I assure you she has been EVERYWHERE and done EVERYTHING. This chick is the daughter of Drax (yup, that big motherfighter from Guardians of the Galaxy) and was handpicked by Thanos’ dad, Mentor, to be raised on his home world by the secret and fierce monks of Shao-Lom. They taught her how to kick wicked-ass as a deadly martial artist, and they helped her hone her latent psionic powers into becoming a top-level telepath (because every human has latent powers, duh, you just need some funky monks to draw those powers out).
When put behind the wheel of a star-cruiser she’s also a world-class fighter pilot. That’s right, a stone cold badass. The kicker? She’s a bisexual beast that has fucked and fought her way across half the Marvel universe.
Daredevil? Fought him, beat him, fucked him.
Phyla-Vell? Fell in love, fucked her, had to endure watching her die.
Quasar? Fucked him, got her heart broken, dropped him like he was hot.
Marlo Chandler? Okay, so Marlo is the wife of Hulk’s best friend, Rick Jones, and Moondragon not only stole his wife, she talked Rick into reluctantly agreeing that it was probably all for the best! Skillz!
Best of all: She fought Thor, ENSLAVED HIM, fucked him, fucked him, fucked him. THOR! The god of thunder. Sexually enslaved! That’s some next-level game right there.
So, we’ve got an unmatched martial artist who once beat Captain America in fist-a-cuffs, an immensely powerful telepath who helped her dad rip Thanos’ heart out, plus she goes both ways and has had pretty much any-damn-body she wanted between the proverbial sheets. We could go on, but you know what? I’m taking a break to read some more Moon Dragon comics.
Originally trained by the League of Assassins and a card-carrying member of the “I hate Batman club”, Prudence has a clean shaven dome and no powers to speak of… save for being a complete badass shit-kicker with a bitch-load of guns. She began her villainous career under the tutelage of Ra's al Ghul and spent her days trying to punch the ticket of virtually any member of the Bat-Family. Then, in a life changing moment for young Prudence, the second-to-last Robin and current Red Robin, Tim Drake, saved her from eminent death (even though she was a baddie, ‘cause that’s what heroes do). She was amazed and now feels indebted to him and has pledged to walk on the side of the angels.
Ass-kicker or not, she makes the list thanks to her over-the-top lust for ol’ Timmmy-boy! She’s literally seen licking her lips when he’s around, and more than once she’s tried to get up on that junk. When she saw him changing his shirt she was all, “Yum-yum, I gotta eat them robin eggs whole!” * Unfortunately, Red Robin wants nothing to do with that jazz, but that has not proven to be a deterrent for Prudence, who is quite certain she’ll one day bed this spectacular bird.
*-I don't even need to fact check this to know she didn't say that –ed.
Bad, bald and beautiful! The daughter of the Red Skull is as uncompromisingly frightening as she is a freaky-as-fuck hottie! This bad mama is a master of martial arts, an expert marksman and has a diabolically ferocious intellect. The current incarnation of Sinthea Schmidt, codename Sin, has her not only following in the path of her megalomaniacal father and attempting to take over the world, but also adopting his fashion sense in regards to his hairless visage. She’s got a RED SKULL!
Okay, so that wasn’t entirely intentional.
You see, as one sometimes does, Sin was trying to put her father’s brain into Steve Rogers’ body. But said grey matter was currently housed in a robotic monstrosity and accidentally exploded real good, nearly taking Sin’s noggin off. But in a convenient twist, she is now rockin’ a crimson skeleton-head and has pretty much taken up right where dear old dad left off.
Sin is a more-than-formidable opponent and once worked in conjunction with the villain Crossbones in an attempt to kill Captain America. And they pulled it off! They killed him! Killed his face DEAD! (I mean, nobody stays dead, but they did 100% shoot and kill Cap. It was big deal, trust me.) She takes zero shit from anyone, commands entire armies in her father’s absence and recently fell to her “death” even though the new Captain America, Sam Wilson, tried to save her. He was like, “Gimme your hand!” and she was like, “You can go suck a twisted cock in Detroit, you piece of bitch-piss.”* And then she laughed all the way down into the cavernous darkness. I’m pretty sure that’s what she said; I was a little buzzed while reading that part last week. Either way, she’s a total asskicker and a super fit bird, so you can see why she had to make the list! Foul mouthed, too. That’s always a plus…
*- At this point I feel like we should just have a running disclaimer that all the dialogue “quotes” in Locke’s articles are simply the products of an alcohol fever-dream. –ed
BAH-DOOSH! That’s it, crude believers, stick a fork in Part One because IT IS DONE! Join us back here every week as we explore the seedy underbelly and the steamy overbutt of pop culture right here on the greatest site in the Multiverse, Woodrocket.com! I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.
“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.