By Alice White
I know, I know. After that huge violation of Jennifer Lawrence’s privacy the idea of seeing celebrities doing things they weren’t paid to do is uncomfortable. But, it doesn’t mean that you should stop thinking about fucking famous people. It's only natural that someone will come on screen and you won't be able to resist thinking to yourself, I bet he/she would look great bent over a pool table.
I begrudgingly acknowledge that this is for a northern American porn loving audience so I won’t include all the British comic actors I’m sexually interested in, like Matt Berry even though he was in an episode of Portlandia once. Saying that, I don’t know what the cross-over market is like for people who watch Portlandia and people who also watch hardcore filth. By the way, what’s the wig budget on Portlandia? Is it higher than Orange Is The New Black? That’s where porn’s margins make sense, because there’s hardly any flashbacks. What was I talking about? Matt Berry. No. Steve Coogan? I’ve had so many Steve Coogan sex dreams. If you don’t know who he is, in the UK he’s Alan Partridge, in the US he’s the guy who might or might not have given Owen Wilson all that heroin.
So, here’s some of my top Americans I want to fuck or see get fucked. I have the best job in the world:
Chris Pratt Lets get this out the way pretty sharpish. The man is incredible. The only thing I think would hold him back is he wouldn't be able to fuck hard enough, stemming from a deep-rooted playfulness. Or, he’d get distracted like when you were in school and you tried to get head off the guy with ADHD in the woods. I’d much rather see chubby Pratt than stacked Pratt positioned behind someone because a giant mass is much more fun to watch.
Hannibal Buress That cold, highly sexual yet moral fox. I had a binge recently where I watched everything I could find of his and now I think I’m in love with him, more so than people I’ve told in real life I love. I bet he’s the kind of guy who’d fuck you really hard after a great, low energy conversation about rights.
1986 Ray Liotta I have no idea what Ray Liotta would look like now but I bet it’s kinda like a giant brain. His character in Goodfellas, when he’s all paranoid about the helicopter, that’s when he’s at his best. Sweaty and intense.
Frank Ocean Of course, OF COURSE it would be fantastic to watch but maybe too threatening to be involved with. I’d be too nervous if he even looked at me. You can’t slink around the charts being that sexually powerful and not have something to show for it. If we’re going down the sensual musician route then Prince better have something to back up how he’s been basically having audio sex with us all for so many years. It's like the only assault I wouldn’t press charges for. How old is Prince? It doesn’t matter - He’s like Jack Nicholson who only gets hotter and hotter until it will eventually be what kills him.
Kenny Powers ...and Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Interchangeable yet so independently powerful. I just want to see more people spitting in each other’s mouths and I think these are the type of guys that would bring that reckless dirty sex to the table. Maybe Kenny and Ricky could spit in each other’s mouths for me while I sit on a throne. My budget for research is far too low for this article.
Busta Rhymes Yeah it’s pretty easy to like someone who’s charismatic and talented, but what about all those growls and dog noises he makes? Even if I hadn’t watched endless YouTube videos of Busta Rhymes enjoying being Busta Rhymes, I’d still fuck him based solely on the noise he starts making 20 seconds into As I Come Back. RRrr--rrraaahhh!
Jessica Lange This is for anyone who has seen American Horror Story and thinks, ‘I’m 26 and her face is aged and wrinkled but she could still steal all my 19 year old boyfriends’.
James Franco/Seth Rogan Why I’ve included them is that I want to know whether awkward-funny white guys carry on that persona when they bone. Everyone knows that people are only funny because it’s a learnt skill to combat the huge lack of attention they had growing up, desperately trying to make strangers love them in order to make up for something hollow inside of them. Serious poets who drink their coffee black and don’t laugh at anything are hot, but are people who puke on themselves in web series hot too? We really need to figure this out. I tell you what, I’ll bed a bunch of comics and let you know if they do a fake-bad Christopher Walken impression while eating my ass.
[EDIT: I wrote this before I saw The Interview and retract wanting to fuck them at all. Not even to see what it’s like. Maybe I should’ve written something about Paul Rudd, but if I’m honest, my heart’s not really in it.]
That’s it. That’s my list, it’s not everyone obviously but I could always try and make a part 2. Some writers go to the Gaza strip and write about politics (I haven’t made my mind up if I’d like to see Obama get a blow job or not) but what I’m writing about here is still pretty important work. If any of you know these people can you let them know where to find me or to contact Wood Rocket and get themselves booked in for a screen test. If you’re Frank Ocean, I am so sorry, please think I’m cool, I don’t have all my own teeth but what are in my head are all mine.
Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.