By Alice White

As I sit here writing this there is a man in his kitchen cooking me dinner, nervously shouting out his thoughts and opinions regarding gangbangs to me. Sure, I may have asked for them and if you ask such a broad question as “hey, how many people do you think are too many for a gangbang?” you should be prepared for a lot of tiptoeing. He claims he doesn't watch porn and I snarl my lip like he's just told me he occasionally drinks his own urine. Anyways, he keeps throwing the word 'feminist' around in the way some guys do when they want you to suck their dick.

Yes, I'm one of those shitty dates who takes my laptop to your house, but when you've made a life choice to stay in bed every day until 3 p.m. watching bone vids online, once in a while you have to work an evening or two. I'll ask guys self-serving questions with my top off while they play me an old Jim Jeffries stand-up special on the television. “We can turn this off if you like,” he would shout every time Jeffries makes a comment about pumping someone in the ass or every time he says that women should be paid less (while in the audience you can hear some dummy next to her boyfriend hollering in agreement). “No, it's fine,” I shout back, while he makes me spaghetti exactly how I like it.

Dating is nice as shit actually. Come on, tell me who your favorite teacher was in school. Tell me that your parents were harder to deal with than anyone else's, look into my eyes and ask me what my favorite genre of music is. I'll laugh at you, but secretly I love it. When you date someone more than once, the stuff they say tends to go a bit further. What kind of music do you like? Death metal. What gets you off? Teachers. What else? Group sex. Ahh right, cool! If you're into the gangbang scene in real life and want to recreate it for the one you adore, it doesn't matter how good of a date you are, you're not going to be able to pull off the role-play by yourself. With that being said, I once managed to pull off fucking my ex while pretending I was fucking someone else, while he pretended to be watching from across the room. AND I even bitched about him to himself. I deserved a fucking Oscar but what can I say, fucking cuckolds, right?

I used to have a proper dating column (Alice pun name and everything) and since group sex is what I came here to talk about, I'll use my best Sex And The City inner monologue voice. Cue the swanky theme song and some analogy about butterflies being like feelings towards someone you met in a cocktail bar while the rest of the time you're just a 40 year old woman who wears a tutu in the rain. I remember once Googling 'What is the point of double dates?' and vaguely recall the answer making sense, to mine and everyone's surprise. The underlying idea is why social yet romantic types love it so much - because it shows your partner in a different light. You get glimpses of what that person was like before you sucked the fun out of them, probably by arguing about chores or pets. I bet that the same applies when you and your life buddy fuck another bunch of people. If you're rational enough to not see monogamy as fidelity, of course. Do the same rules apply to numbers in group sex as they do in group dating? No more than 3 couples and one tag along? That's definitely something to think about.

Since I'm writing this for an adult website I can confirm that, not just for the money I'm being paid, group sex is great to watch. The problem I find is when it becomes too “impressive”. There are online videos of pornstars steamrolling through as many guys as possible, which suddenly becomes incredibly non-sexual because it's now just feat of strength, which then, weirdly, like all feats of strength, becomes very hot again. At least edit it so it's not like watching footage of a mannequin storage unit in an earthquake. Just like most World Record attempts, there's a point where you're only doing something so you can tell other people about it. The important part is that someone in porn has thought of the logistics for you.

Lets run some figures, 1 person is just jerking off - we’re all in agreement there, doesn’t matter how you’re doing it, you’re jerking off. 2 people is classic romance but any even number after that just lends itself to pairing off and where does the pairing off end? Moving in together? Odd numbers really encourage a more sharing vibe but can you really make the deep connections with any more than 7? 5 is a boy band and believe me, it’s not worth it. Anything over 10 people and you find yourself in what looks like a badly organized flash mob.

Taking all this into consideration, I've come to the conclusion that there is no right answer. Personal choice of what gets you all squirted up is awesome as hell and I've done enough pondering. Use your words in the comment section, post me stuff, have your say. And so, like Carrie Bradshaw, I'll round up my article today in a way that links everything together. Here goes - it was only after I considered Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte's lives and thought it out, gang of lovers, all intertwined in the legs we call life. I think to myself... fuck it, the answer is probably 10.


Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.