By Locke Van Kemp

Note – the following encounters were entirely made up in the perverted mind of Mr. Kemp. He insisted on having the world get a glimpse into his twisted brain.

“What about the time Iron Man fucked a washing machine?”

I’m listening to the tape of the notes we’ve made from the previous night, and I know we’ve struck gold. Using only our collective memories, famed artist and my incorrigible cohort Rip Branagan and I have concocted a new Top Ten list for you, and it’s going to blow the tits off the internet’s dick. These are the sleaziest, slimiest, most scandalous and sexsational encounters in comic history, and we’ve gathered them here, just for you! But enough with the bullfuckery. Let’s get to the list!

THE TOP TEN (FAUX) SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS IN COMIC BOOKS

1. In issue #143 v.2, Captain America snuck into longtime sidekick Bucky Barnes’ room and sucked his dick to completion. The issue made sure to note that Bucky was of age, but the scene was chided by the industry due to the inclusion of a single panel that showed Bucky’s eyes shockingly wide open, revealing that he was, in actuality, awake for the fellatio, but not particularly enjoying it.

2. Marvel Team-Up issue #34 introduced us to the secret life of Doctor Octopus by showing us not a villainous madman, but a lonely soul who often posted in the J.O. section of Craigslist under the moniker JOck Ock. In the issue, Otto is seen using younger, more buff pictures of himself in the ads and scheduling “Hands-on parties” while his wife is out of town. In an unforeseen twist, the five men who show up for one such party are actually the remaining members of Ock’s own gang, the Sinister Six. The doctor is not to be detruded and uses his four mechanical arms and one human hand to pleasure the entire group, then turns his remaining appendage on reliving himself. Panel 4 of page 22 shows Doctor Octopus exclaiming “My hand is free, to use on me!” This is the last recorded time that Otto Gunther would be shown rhyming or giving men the “jack-attack.”

3. One of the biggest movies of 2001 was Dark Horse comic’s Hellboy. In a an attempt to create synergy with the printed book, a companion comic entitled Hellboy at Home was released, and in it we were introduced to the notion that Hellboy believed he was, indeed, married to a cat. The book was pulled from shelves nationwide when retailers discovered it contained scenes of the titular character having mouth-sex with his feline wife. Bestiality is not permitted by the comics code authority, and the trouble was compounded by the inclusion of page seven’s panel of dialogue, “You’re hurting me with your tiny teeth, Meow-Meow!”

4. Before its cancellation in 1991, Rom the Space Knight was frequently a hot-button topic in the comics industry due its graphic nature and often absurd monthly content. The July issue of that same year brought us a historical comic book crossover depicting Rom, space-cock in hand, masturbating into a black hole, and in a mind-bending twist, unintentionally getting a Predator pregnant. Due to the accelerated genetic time-cycle of the Predator, the freakish baby was born just three hours later and bizarrely named “Greg.” Rom the Space Knight was promptly canceled the following month.

5. In what has since been retconned out by the DC event Zero Hour, the year 1984 brought us new insight on the silver age Flash, Barry Allen, when he was revealed to be an “asshole freak.” In the following, never reprinted, issues 67-71 the scarlet speedster was portrayed as a one-trick pony, continually finger-banging unsuspecting buttholes throughout his home town of Central City. His favored method of delivery included standing directly in front of his victim, looking them in the eye and using his super-speed to squeeze a digit in their posterior. More often than not, the victim jumped and was heard to exclaim, “I think something bit me.”

6. One of the most disastrous hookups came in April 1996 when Firestar, the Human Touch and Ghost Rider engaged in Marvel comics’ first ménage à trois. The result was 22 pages of unbridled, heat-packing debauchery ending in a raging blaze that destroyed an entire New York City block. Fans were particularly upset over the depiction of the group performing a sexual maneuver entitled the Towering Inferno in which Firestar sat on Ghost Rider’s flaming face while sucking the fiery penis of Johnny Storm.

7. Before Hawkgirl and Wonder Woman ever teamed up in the Justice League, they were college dorm roommates in issues 14-23 of 1979’s Teen Titans volume one. Issue 16 of that run contained the drunken midnight hook-up between the two super heroines that had fan boys passing out in their mothers’ basements. The scene ended on a curious down note when, after being brought to climax by Hawkgirl, Wonder Woman had a change of heart, refused to reciprocate and said “I’m not gay.”

8. In the December 1987 issue of Detective Comics, Batman’s alter ego Bruce Wayne was seen indulging in far too much alcohol at the Wayne Manor Christmas party and ended up in one of that year’s most talked about trysts. Wayne sipped on what he called “Daddy’s Bat-Sauce” and eventually began referring to himself as “Night-Bruce,” later passing out in a coatroom. While unconscious, the then-current Robin, Jason Todd, entered the room and ate his butt. The most shocking panel was the inclusion of Todd’s dialog when he whispered “My bat is going to fly through your window.”

9. In what turned out to be the only solo sexual encounter on the list, Hal Jordan, aka the Green Lantern, was shown in issue 248 v3, pleasuring himself nightly using the green constructs created by his ring. The act of masturbation itself was not as shocking as the creations Hal made each evening. Among the most memorable were a giant cantaloupe, a greased-up catcher mitt and, perhaps most regrettably, a green, full sized, completely nude Bea Arthur.

10. Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of crime, once tricked his arch nemesis, the blind superhero Daredevil, into fucking the do-gooder’s own mother. The issue, entitled Oedipussy, showed Fisk’s remorse in the act when on page 19 panel 4, he was seen to be throwing up in his mouth a little bit.

Ah ha! We’ve done it again, haven’t we crude believer? Another amazing list brought to you with love and madness from the most deplorable minds in the multiverse! Join us next week as we continue the descent into the seedy underbelly of pop culture and funny books! Until then, I’m Locke Van Kemp and I miss you already.

“Locke” is the writer of several nationally syndicated & critically acclaimed comic books, countless published short stories and the occasional questionable low budget movie. We at Woodrocket don't condone Locke's insanity, but we sure as hell enjoy reading it.