By: Layne Hunters
Let's be honest, when it comes to sex, sometimes we’re just too embarrassed or ashamed to ask our friends certain questions. It's important to remember though, when it came to learning about the birds and the bees we were all noobs once, and while I had scrambled porn and an at-home medical book in my parents’ office, it didn't teach me everything. Now, thanks to Al Gore, people are now able to ask their darkest and dumbest questions on the internet for the masses to answer... or poke fun at you. These are my picks for the dumbest questions about sex ever asked.
“Can You Get Herpes From Grinding With Your Clothes On?”
If this is true, the number one place where you can get herpes is at a junior high school dance when the chaperones aren’t watching.
“Can You Fix a Torn Condom?”
An Eagle Scout once told me that’s the reason why pocket sewing kits were invented. If your sewing skills are lackluster, there’s always hot glue or duct tape.
“Does Peeing in a Girl’s Butt Present Any Serious Health Risks?”
Clearly, R. Kelly circa 2002 is very concerned.
“I’m a Girl Who Slept With Another Girl, Could I Have Gotten Her Pregnant?”
Yes, if there is a turkey baster and a vial of expensive semen from an organic farmer/Rhodes Scholar involved. On a personal note, I really hope this isn’t true, because I’m one girl away from getting called on Maury.
“When a Penis Is Not Hard, Where Does It Go?”
Nobody really knows. The penis is a mysterious creature. There were rumors a few years ago that it was spotted on the beach with Tupac on the island of Crete, but that’s poppycock.
“What Is the Right Age To Teach My Dog About Sex?”
I thought it was universally known that you’re supposed to teach your dog about boning right after he learns not to pee on the couch and stops chewing up your shoes.
“Where Is The G-Spot On a Sex Doll?”
Like snow flakes, every sex doll is different, but it’s usually found 3 inches below the “Made in China” sticker.
“Will Getting an Abortion Turn Me Back Into a Virgin?”
I don’t think I’m at liberty to answer this question. Why don’t you ask Rush Limbaugh.
“Can You Keep Sperm in a Fish Tank as Pets?”
There was definitely an episode of South Park where Cartman did this. In this case, life does not imitate art. Sorry, but if you’re saving your jizz in hopes you’ll have adorable pets that you can post photos of on Instagram, well you’re shit out of luck.
“What Percentage of Women Use Sex as a Weapon?”
I’m a lesbian, so I’m the absolute authority on this question. 110% of women use sex as a weapon.*
*Layne Hunters' opinion does not reflect the opinion of all women, but she’s kind of right.
“If My Girlfriend Sneezes After We Have Sex, Will That Prevent Her From Getting Pregnant?”
Yes. It’s good to toss chili powder in your girlfriend’s face after you cum in her so she can sneeze the sperm away.
Layne Hunters is a Boston born, certified organic, tomboy femme lesbian. When she's not creating smut for us, she's producing and writing films (of the non-humping variety). She has worked as a blogger for numerous websites, and as a copywriter for the wine and spirits industry. Yes, she can get free booze. No, she will not hook you up. Listen to her shenanigans at hourofthunder.podomatic.com