Words by Rain DeGrey

Try everything at least once. That is my motto. Cuz you just never know until you give it a chance. It was this particular motto that got me into the receiving end of a clown tickle takedown. You heard me right. Clowns. With big shoes.

I run with a fairly open minded bunch of perverted hedonists. If there is a sexual experience out there to try, I have probably sampled it by now. 3somes, 4somes, moresomes, fisting, dressing up as a nun and taking The Lord's name very much in vain, bondage, watersports, spanking... Like I said, open minded.

"But have you ever tried clowns?" my friend Frogbutt asked me.

Frogbutt the clown was a man that was into some serious clown play. Pointy blue hair, a big red nose, greasepaint, a giant bow tie and baggy trousers, the works. Frogbutt was a man that loved to get his clown on whenever the opportunity arose, and he was always looking for opportunities.

I was forced to admit to him that my clown experience was so limited as to be nonexistent. "Wanna change that?" he asked with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, channeling his best Groucho Marx.

"Sure. Why not?" I replied, keeping my motto in mind. I had to admit, I was curious. We made plans to meet up so he could show me exactly how clowns like to party.

The night of the planned clown tickle takedown Frogbutt showed up in full greasepaint and swinging a rubber chicken in one gloved hand. His giant glued red nose jutted out at a jaunty  rather phallic angle. It didn't look like I was in for a boring night. The plan was for him to tackle me down, tickle my brains out and show me how clowns roll. With a smooth movement, his outsized bow tie dangling crookedly, he pounced. His clowny limbs were stronger than mine, and despite my best efforts he rather quickly had me on my back. Frogbutt was not afraid to hit the gym. I could tell it was an effort though, as beads of sweat were popping up under the greasepaint and I was not cooperating.

Once he finally had me down, his insistent fingers dug into my tender armpits and exposed ribs. I gasped and giggled, unable to catch my breath as wave after wave of tickle washed over me. In between the tickling, he would beat me with his rubber chicken, the chicken emitting a shocked sounding "squawk!" with every blow. Rubber chickens hurt a lot more than I had expected, and my skin quickly became striped with red marks. Between the white greasepaint smears and the red chicken induced beating marks I looked like a confused zebra.

He was not content with chicken floggings and tickling however. I started noticing a fairly constant "ribbiting" as well as some vigorous dry humping. It took me a few moments to realize what exactly was going on. Frogbutt had safety pinned a frog toy to the inside of his clown pants that went off every time it was compressed. With each thrust of his hips against my pinned body, the frog in his pants let out a ribbit. There were a lot of ribbits happening.

When the pants finally came down, I must admit that I was expecting Frogbutt Jr. to be sporting clown face or at least some glued-on googly eyes, but it was just a regular happy looking penis. Frogbutt really did love him some clown, bless his joyful heart. Honking his rubber nose in one hand while jerking off over me with the other, Frogbutt covered my chicken beaten body with his baby batter.

"You have been clowned!" he gasped between spurts. And so I had. Cross another one off of my bucket list. Those clowns are an interesting bunch and at least now I know how clowns like to get freaky. No regrets. The only thing missing from the whole experience was that I was secretly hoping he could have rigged up a compression tube in his baggy clown pants to shoot out confetti as he came, but you can't have everything...

Frogbutt and I parted the night on good terms, but I will admit that I was surprised at how long it can take for rubber chicken beating marks to go away. I looked like a maypole for days. I wonder where else my life motto will take me and am finding out as fast as I possibly can, while keeping an eye out for wayward rubber chickens.

Rain DeGrey is a veteran performer with over eight years in the industry who is blessed with both an extremely open mind and a very twisted sense of humor. When she is not being a Professional Naked Person she keeps herself busy as a writer, educator, and performer. For more Rain DeGrey, go to raindegrey.com, raindegrey.net and @raindegrey on twitter.