By: Alice White

We know there's a formula to hip hop, you talk about where you came from and how good you've got it now. It's never the other way round but bravery points to whoever rhymes about being born rich and privileged and then wastes it all on Pokemon cards and magic trick sets before getting addicted to ketamine and ending up in public housing. Anyway, the point I wasn't making is that It's not hard to decode how big a rapper's penis is by his lyrics. I hope I get asked one day to be an expert witness for this shit.

“So recognize the dick size in these Karl Kani jeans. I'm in thirteens, know what I mean.”
- Notorious, B.I.G, One More Chance

Yeah, of course we know what you mean. Not only is the big feet, big dick thing true - despite all the small footed men trying to get that confirmed as a myth - but it also means he has great balance, great centering and stability, so he could really get stuck doing his favorite thing “making your kidneys shift”. I can honestly say a guy has never announced they're going to “shatter my bladder” prior to us fucking, so ten out of ten for saying something so gross and so arrogant.

"I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower. So I can fuck the world for 72 hours"
- Kendrick Lamar, Backseat Freestyle

I’ll slot in a little mention at the end of my nightly prayer for you too, Ken. After world peace and a long, happy healthy life for me and my family, Dear God, Kendrick Lamar has got some interesting plans that I think you’d be interested in helping him explore. Amen.

“I wash my dick in the sink right when I wake up. Twisted from the night before raw inside a frightening whore”
- Action Bronson, The Madness

So Action Bronson confirms that his dick will fit in a sink. This doesn't mean anything apart from that he keeps himself partially clean. It's unlikely there'll be an article about how clean rappers are so I'll use this opportunity to say: Hey Bronson, have a whole shower. If you've got bad breath you don't just brush your lips.

“Inside your belly, if it's tight get the K-Y Jelly... Side to side, til you say Jay-Z you're too much for me.”
- Jay Z, Nigga What, Nigga Who

You can almost hear Jay-Z sigh, “it's not if, it's when you tell me that I'm too much for you”. Every single time is it, Shawn? Now, as a professional cock-size guesser, I'm looking towards trying to work out how many inches it actually is to my belly. I'm 5”6 so I'm going to say that he's got to be 10 inches to be comfortably in where all the cool acid is.

“Biggest dick out here, King Kong. No Gonorrhea, ‘cause I stay strong. Dick so big, dick damn long”
- Young Hokus, Big Dick Syndrome

A good, rounded brag that includes taking care of yourself. 10/10.

“And my dick runs deep, so deep. So deep, put her ass to sleep”
- Ice Cube, It Was A Good Day

We're gonna go and ahead and presume he's talking about spinal injuries. He's basically saying his junk is so large that it's nudging things it shouldn't be nudging, causing partial paralysis. I'd also have to guess that he's talking about how hard it is too because if a 30-inch tapeworm can easily live inside you undetected, a 12-inch floppy isn't going to cause the kind of damage Ice Cube's claiming.

“Now since you got the body of the year, come and get the award. Here's a hint - it's like a long sharp sword”
- Wreckx ' N ' Effect, Rump Shaker

If I won body of the year I’d want something better than a bit of dick that I definitely would have been able to get anyway. Unless we’re not talking about dicks this time, which means having a slamming, disciplined body wins you some dope blacksmith produce.

“My dick a big stretch and quick to tell a bitch fetch.”
- Rick Ross, Yacht Club

Rick Ross’s dick makes women act like dogs? I doubt it would be good enough to convince me to eat my dinner off the floor.

“To look at mine you need four eyes. Why? Because of the size...”
- Schoolly D, Mr. Big Dick

Alright, alright. What does this mean? It’s either that you need glasses or that it’ll be able to wrap around more than your almost 180 degrees of standard human peripheral vision. If the latter is the case then that means at least 8 meters of dick. No wonder there’s a song about it.

Alice White is a badly behaved writer and ex-sex and dating columnist from Scotland. She has the accent and everything. And also really terrific hair. Follow her on Twitter at @alicewhitey for dick jokes and public eye rolling.

Illustration By Drew Harris